Thursday, April 7, 2011

You're Killin Me, Smalls! - Keggers


They aren't as popular as other schools like Virginia Tech or Maryland but they do still exist at Miami. Let me paint you a mental picture of a best case scenario kegger: You and a few of your friends roll up to a house party, first off theres at least a 5 dollar cover charge to get in because they insist that "Keggers are pretty expensive bro" which I feel like is complete BS, but I digress. So you walk inside to a cramped living room with 200 people, 193 of them are guys looking for some kind of action or beer and you try and mash your way through this testosterone mine field, literally if you look at a guy wrong he wants to throw down, just like that. By the time you make it over to the single keg on the other side of the house, it turns out you have to find a guy holding the cups, so everything turns into a freaking real life wheres Waldo book, and if you do end up finding this asshole he'll charge you another 3 dollars for cup. So by this time you're thinking "What the hell, I've come this far, might as well give in," and you reluctantly give him the money. Then you wait in the line thats around the house for the keg and by the time you get to it, you're lucky theres any beer actually left. If you do end up being lucky enough you tap the keg and 95% of your cup in foam and 5% of it is actually beer, then you spend and hour waiting for the foam to finally subside so you can get a sip in. First, sip finally comes and you've been waiting and working for this all night and it ends up being freaking Keystone or some bull. Literally the most annoying thing about any party is bad beer. So in retrospect, you spend 8 dollars, 4 hours, and you're sweating do to the lack of oxygen in the damn room for a taste of shitty beer. Well done bro. From now on, I'm not attending any party that even hints at the word "keg", screw it, if the guy hosting the party's name is Ken, I'm not going; too many letters match up. Only parties that guarantee bottles or cans are the ones I'm going to.

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