Hail to the Chief - Barack Obama

Fucking right, Commander in Chief. 

Hail to the Chief - James Monbro

James Monbro was critical in the development of our young nation, but is still not well known. The reason for this is that Thomas Jefferson was basking in his glory from writing the Declaration of Independence and James Madison was busy playing with kids because...well...when you're 3 feet tall you kinda look like a kid regardless of what kind of funky wig you have on your head. So ultimately James Monbro is the forgotten Founding Father, and I am going to revive his illustrious legacy.

Any Bro with his own coin deserves recognition. He obviously
makes it hail.

James Monbro should be remembered for two pretty dank-ass things. The first would come during his tenure as Secretary of State under Thomas Jefferson. While TJ was busy gloating about how he swindled the French by getting the Louisiana Territory, Jimmy Monbro just sat back quietly. It took some balls for him to do that, considering that HE was the one who negotiated the deal and made it happen. All the while TJ was saying from behind his [concubine laden] desk: "Sucks to suck, Jimm-ay". Well I am here to deliver the suckage back to TJ for taking credit for something he did not do, and I attached this little note to his box:


Dear President Jefferson,

While you were busy engaging in extramarital affairs with your servants, the morally sound Monbro was negotiating the most important land deal the United States has ever had. In hindsight, the American public now realizes that you did nothing at all. As you so famously quipped: "Sucks to suck".

Respectfully,

Halfway House

Let us not forget about Monbro's second greatest feat: The Monroe Doctrine (the name was formalized because his Vice President John Quincy Adams had a stick up his ass). Essentially, Monbro pulled off the greatest bluff in human history. While the Europeans were getting ready to colonize South America, Monbro decided to play some logistical poker. In his Doctrine he basically said "If you colonize South America, it will be seen as war against the United States, and we will intervene and crush you". I wish I was that awesome. Monbro was bluffing his ass off: the United States had zero capability of waging war against the European powers without economically destroying itself. Monbro didn't care, Monbro didn't give a shit: he was a purebred Honey Badger.


Disclaimer: Some people credit VP Adams for pulling this off. I say "nay". Adams may have written it or helped think of it, but Monbro was the one putting his ass on the line. Adams never had the guts to.


So now we know who the true Founding Father was: James Monbro. Never forget what this bro did for our young nation. Without him, we would not be where we are today.

Hail to the Chief - Bronald Reagan

Regardless of your political affiliation, everyone recognizes Ronald Reagan as one of the ultimate bros. I mean, he was a Hollywood star, chicks eat that shit up (look at Justin Long) and then became the President of the United States. Talk about living the dream. We'll adapt his famous political slogan, "win just one for the Gipper," and crack open a natty for the Gipper, but it won't be just one. Needless to say, Reagan was one president who could get gipper with the best of bros and if Mr. President were alive today he would no doubt have diamonds in his ears, prada on his zipper. (thank you tosh) Hail to the Chief.