Holy mother DAMN this kid is ridiculous. And I fucking love it. Kid just keeps sending emails even though we've already told him that we want his crazy ass on board. Hysterical. Woke up to this email this morning. Maybe I should just tell this freshman to email us and I'll just post whatever he sends. So far, kid is throwing out pure gold. Here's the last email I got, name still removed and some other things taken out to protect identity and shit.
"I'm really high. My roommates out and I smoked in my dorm room. That's actually the reason I emailed you guys in the first place. I was really high. I was sitting at my computer, and I decided to write an email where I basically just changed the words of Charlie's speech in the episode where he tries to get a job as a janitor in that public school.
I don't know if I should really be sending all this through the school's email system. Do you think they read this stuff? Maybe they just read select ones that have special "key words" that would allude to an email containing illicit content. I bet some of the stuff I said in this email would be a key word. Do you think twitter would be a key word for those network analyst spies? What spy would want to read about people mentioning twitter on their school email? I'm sure it would all just be sorority girl gossip about what people say on twitter. What if there was a special government agency that was devoted to keeping track of girl drama? That would be the worst job ever, right? Like this one guy's job would be to do something like record all the gossip that came out of one middle school, and his informants are 14 year old girls. I'm sure there's been a disney movie with a plot like this; with a grumpy principal antagonist and a touching conclusion in which the spy finds his inner child. I'm imagining this happening at a the 8th grade dance, but that parts a little foggy.
I don't really know why I'm writing this email right now. I am very high, and I don't really have a reason. I probably shouldn't send it, but I've started it so I think I might as well. I hope you guys don't have a very negative opinion towards people who do that stuff (I don't want to say the word because the network spies will pick up the key words) If you do, this thing isn't going to work out between us. I like sitting in my room high. It's relaxing. It helps me think clearly and decisively. Whenever I have to write a paper, I do "it" in like 2 hours. It makes writing so much easier.
I didn't think you guys would ever accept my internship. I didn't actually you guys to read it. I guess I had the impression that you were getting hundreds of applications. Oh well. Actually I'm pretty glad you accepted me though. I was looking for a club sport or some shit to join so I could show my parents I was actually staying motivated in college, but I guess now I can tell them I got an intern position at an off-campus publication. ha.
I'm going home for labor day weekend though so maybe we can meet tomorrow night. I would like to actually meet. You guys could come chill in my dorm and my RA's cool so we can get high. If you're thinking something else, that's cool. If it involved alco hol it would be cooler. (the space in alco hol is to keep the spies from recognizing the keyword). I don't care though.
I guess this is kind of the stuff that I was talking about writing. Stuff about living in dorms with room mates and annoying neighbors or trying to find a good par ty or a way to get alco hol. You guys talk about the coolest places to hang out when you can drink. Going to skippers is pointless for an underclassman. None of us can get a beer. There's kind of this barrier between us and you guys because of that.
I really am high though. It is making me really tired so I'm going to go to sleep. I have to get up at 8 tomorrow."
Is this kid a gem or what? I may have died when I read "alco hol" and "par ty." Definitely acted like one of those idiots who gets a text and laughs out loud then refuses to tell the people around him what is so fucking funny. And guessing most of you knew exactly what show he references with the Charlie thing (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, if you actually didn't fucking know) Thinking about it, this kid seems just like Charlie. Kid embodies the Wild Card. Every assignment I give him now will be referred to as CharlieWork. (If you don't get any of these references, please, do yourself a favor and get educated.)
And we definitely haven't gotten hundreds of applications but we've gotten a fucking lot. And you guys keep stepping up your game so we're keeping this open for a while longer. Keep emailing us and don't worry if yours aren't of this kid's caliber, thats is just being unrealistic. I don't think anyone is on this kid's level.
