Word to the Wise: Why Women Love Assholes

          I grew up as one of those kids who always tried to be “the nice guy.” The one that talked to the pretty girls and, although always did well for himself, somehow failed to bat truly top-tier (hard to imagine that now, right?) I was that guy who would pick up the call from his smokeshow friend at any hour of the day and let her rant end-on-end about whatever asshole with which she was currently involved. I saw the tears, I heard the cries, but the next thing I knew, all was well with her and I was back to square one.

            This behavior continued for many years. Having manifested itself throughout the early stages of high school, it ended when I began dating a nice gal at the end of my junior year. She went to a different high school and was (still is, in fact) a lovely gal all-around.

            At the conclusion of our relationship, I found myself in an awkward spot. Here I was, freshly single, having been in a serious relationship for two-plus years. This is when I became an asshole.

            What is an asshole, you say? A term thrown around by a bunch of liberals. No, but in honesty, an asshole is a man. One who knows what he wants and plays by the rules—yet always wins (even though he occasionally bends them.) An asshole is the guy who will go up to a girl unprovoked and tell her he thinks she’s gorgeous. He’ll be the one who buys her drinks, generally operates like the cock of the walk, and is fully confident in every sense of the word. He’ll be blackout drunk one night and early for bunch the next morning. He operates under the true definition of YOLO, but fuck that phrase, because it sucks.

His detractors will call him arrogant. The asshole won’t mind. They’ll talk about his drinking. He’ll order a double. They’ll remark how he chases tail, and how he womanizes—nonsense; in the immortal words of Hank Moody, an asshole could never dislike women as he “has all their albums.”

So, men, be an asshole. Be up front. Be to the point. Fail to give a damn. Be a man. Go up to that girl at the bar, charm her, ask for her number, do what you will. Treat her well, but never doubt your manly instincts or the thrill of the chase. Drink. Hell, drink a lot. Enjoy your time. Walk into a room and cockily inquire which of the other guys is finishing second. Women fail to find pussyfooting and insecurity attractive, and the quicker you realize that, you’ll be walk-of-shaming in no time.

-Sandy Brofax 

Word to the Wise - The Brof Hits You With Some Knowledge

Do I love country? Sadly, no. I'm too Northern for that. However, I do love Darius Rucker and all that is Hootie. If you don't, you're most likely a terrorist. Anyways, in one of his songs, Darius is explaining to "Be wary of a woman...". Thus, a few brief characteristics and nuances to watch out for in the female population while in college or if you're recently graduated:

-If you've been dating for only a month or so, and she starts talking about marriage or rings: BAIL.

-If all she watches is Disney movies and [cheesy] chick flicks. She will undoubtedly have: A. False pretenses about relationships B. Delusional standards for the male population. 3. Shitty taste in movies. (I'm all about Lion King, don't get me wrong. Shit was raw as a kid.)

-If she always says/posts shit like "I'm soooo fat" "Omg I should lay off the junk food" "Guys just never treat me right". She probably has confidence issues, attention whoring/compliment fishing issues,or a shitty attitude. Or some freakish chimera of all three.

-She has you pay for everything, all the time, every time. This is traversing past chivalry, and bounding into "she's using you, bro" territory.

-She has mostly guy friends, and not many girl friends at all. This most likely means she's a bitch, in some form or another. Or a sloot. (bitchy sloot?)

-She bounces from relationship to relationship frequently; always has a boyfriend. Sounds like commitment issues to me. Or she's a sloot.

-She has an awful laugh that resembles an adolescent seal being clubbed to death. She's hot? Whatever. Imagine listening to that seal dying every time you say something witty.

-There are three kinds of girls in one aspect: Girls who don't like sports, girls who pretend to like sports, and girls who like sports. Stray away from the first, gravitate towards the latter two. Preferably the last one. 

-She only watches shows like 'Real Housewives', 'The Bachelor', and shows about dresses or whatever the fuck. She obviously has poor taste in television, and you'd probably want to commit suicide if you had to sit through that garbage on a regular basis.

-She doesn't drink beer. Get ready for Sloppy Susie. And higher than average bar tabs.

-If she's obsessed with Hello Kitty. Girl, you aren't an Asian twelve year old.

Brof, out.

Word to the Wise - Pledge Allegiance to the New Era Flag

          Whether you're a Boston or a New York fan (Or neither, I heard the Tribe is surprisingly not embarrassing this year) you can enjoy the New Era Rivalry spots,  regardless. High caliber ads on the level of the E*Trade baby and the Dos Equis man (Not quite on par with Sports Center ads, but cmaan, nothing beats those). However, this series will have you pledging allegiance to the New Era flag. 

Word to the Wise: Hulu Queues

For those of you who don't know Hulu queues (I never know if I'm spelling that correctly) are a tool that collects all the shows you watch on Hulu and puts in a cute little list for you. They're great but there's a dark side. My queue (It just looks like...not english) is currently in the 50s. I know, ridiculous in every way. It's almost become a chore watching all these shows to catch up. So a word to the wise, never let your Hulu queue (seriously, what kind of word is that? How does sound identical to cue?)  run amok. Same can be said for desktop screens. Folder up. 

Word to the Wise - Lockout is Over

I guess hell froze over because the NFL lockout is finally done. Now Ochocinco or Estaban or Chad Johnson or whatever his name is now can give up on his soccer career and come back to his mediocre team. Bill Belichick can bring back his old ways of spying on teams, since most eyes are now fixed on his blubbering quarterback not so much him and his sleeveless hoodies. Eric Mangini can continue his employment search in the NFL rather than begging for change. Rex Ryan can go back to eating small children, instead of focusing on feet. Hell Matt Dodge can try and one up his previous blunder and try kicking his now free agent contract somewhere away from DeSean Jackson. Nonetheless, we can all look forward to a great year of football yet to come, but to be honest I was never really worried about it.

"NFL players gained the advantage in their labor battle with owners Monday when a federal judge in Minnesota ordered the league-imposed lockout lifted.

The NFL indicated it wouldn’t immediately open its doors to players, though. The league said it would appeal the ruling of U.S. District Court Judge Susan Richard Nelson and ask Nelson to grant a stay of the preliminary injunction until the appellate court makes its decision."

Read more: http://www.kansascity.com/2011/04/25/2826500_federal-judge-orders-that-nfl.html?storylink=omni_popular#ixzz1Kbl3d5oL

Word to the Wise - Bros Like These Sites. No, Really.

In the days here at college I've found that the little things go a long way. With the days filled with classes and countless bullshit to do, a few sites make everything a little bit easier.

https://chrome.google.com/webstore/detail/faminaibgiklngmfpfbhmokfmnglamcm

This first one isn't so much a website as it's just the website for a download, but the download itself is sick as hell. It's called "Panic Button", and what it does is, it installs a little red button in the top of your browser and if you click it, it hides all of your tabs instantly. So if you're on Facebook during class or watching a little NSFW material, it can all be hidden with a simple click of a button. * Only works if you use google chrome, I believe *

http://fratmusic.com/ or http://www.stereomood.com/

These two are essential for anyone with ears. They're both music players, kind of like Pandora, but amped up like some shit. Fratmusic is a site that has already made play lists for every aspect of the college weekend; Pregame play list, Broin play list, 420 play list and Rager play lists. It's legit. The second one, stereomood, is even cooler. It plays endless music based on your moods. You simply type what mood you;re in and it compile a play list to fit that mood. How fricken sweet is that?

http://soundcloud.com/ or http://www.datpiff.com/

These two are music sites as well but these you can download songs for free and its all legal. Here's why. Soundcloud is basically a site created by DJs for DJs. It's a site where users can upload music and playlists that they've created and allow you to download their work. There's some seriously good shit on here too. Now Datpiff is pretty cool, because it allows you to download mixtapes from famous artists for free. Mixtapes are legal to download free because they're released and promoted by those artists themselves, datpiff is simply a host site to find them all. Also, a great bonus, Miami University's own Julian Mavunga AKA J-Money's mixtape is also available for download. Click here for the link to the free download.

http://www.cramster.com/

Cramster is the least fun of all of these links but it's easily the most helpful. This site is simply a tutor for any subject for free. Everything from homework to textbook material, it's saved my ass a few times cramming for an exam.

http://www.collegehumor.com/

Collegehumor is probably the funniest and most directly aimed site towards college kids ever (duh look at its name). This site compiles the funniest videos and pictures from around the Internet along with sexy chicks and a few of their own material. This site is one of my all time favorite sites, how can you go wrong when nearly their entire staff are stand up comics.

Word to the Wise - Madden 12 Cover Vote

          Vote for Peyton Hillis. I'm not from Cleveland and I still hear shit about the Browns beating the Pats (last season, so calm down CLE kids) but I would still rather see Hillis on the cover than Vick. I support Vick's return to the game and it's great how well he did last season but we all know that Hillis deserves this. Do the right thing, bros. 

Word to the Wise - Start Watching Archer

If you haven't already discovered this show (cmon, get on the ball) start watching it now. General idea of the show? Archer is a badass who is also hilarious. That's all you need to know. Thursdays, 10pm, FX. It's quality. 

Word to the Wise - Watch Deadliest Catch's Return

The Deadliest Catch returns to the Discovery Channel on April 12th. Don't ask me why this show is entertaining, because a bunch of beat up bros freezing their asses off looking for crustaceans has never been more appealing. You either love this show or "don't effing care about crabs and shit" (an actual complaint I heard when watching with a friend) but if you belong to the former category, the preview commercial that Discovery has been running is kinda sick. Check out the commercial here:

Tuesday, April 12th at 9pm.