Additional Friday Classes: The Era of the Power-Ragers

"Chug, Chug, Power Ragers!"

Let me ask you a question; did you go out last night? I’m sorry, that was the dumbest fucking question ever asked. OF COURSE you went out last night. I’m pretttttty sure even the Asian bio-chem-engineering-fucking-math-whatever majors went out last night. So why, why, why does the administration think that adding more Friday classes will ever change that?

I can see the real world logic behind their scheme but this is Miami University; this is not the real fucking world. When has having class ever stopped us from drinking? Have they ever seen uptown on a Tuesday night? I mean it’s a goddamn Tuesday and a solid majority of the student population gets ratchet. We’re the college that shows up to exams on green beer day drunk beyond reason and they think a seventy-five minute lecture will stop us from indulging? It’s actually kind of cute how they think that they can make a difference in student drinking.

Miami is a very proud university. We take our reputation seriously when it comes to both academics and partying. So if you make us work harder, we’ll absolutely play harder, too. I guaran-fucking-tee that next year students will rage just as hard, if not harder, just to fuck with the administration.

Freshman will be indoctrinated into a culture of caring EVEN LESS about Friday classes. So maybe students should thank the administration for engineering their college life so that they can handle the early morning hung-over march to class. They’ll be conditioned to become Power-Ragers, able to endure even the most boring Miami plan lecture after a night of jager bombs and whiskey.

I guess after all of our bitching and doubting, a thank you really is in order. So, thank you, Miami University, for pushing us to be the best partiers that we can be. 

Cheers,

-DVB 

Chillabus Week

          Chillabus Week is coming to close. The week when we all spend 168 hours intoxicated. The week when we make the best worst decisions of our lives. The week like no other. However, we no longer have a rock solid excuse for skipping class to drink pitcher after pitcher. Does that mean we'll stop? Oh, fuck no. So there's no need to mourn the end of Chillabus Week. Today is not the end of the greatest week; instead, today is the beginning of the NHL season and the eve of one of the greatest football sundays this year. Today is the second consecutive weekend that we've had spring day drinking weather in January and the first weekend you have the opportunity to hook up with that certain smoke in your new class. So carpe that god damn diem and close out Chillabus Week like the fucking professional that you are. See you uptown. 

Disclaimer: I'm drunkenly writing this instead of taking my regular power nap before the weekly saturday rally. 

Gems - THAT BALL DON'T LIE

          God bless Rasheed Wallace. The Knicks are fun as fuck to watch this year (I know, that's something I never thought I'd say either) and Wallace is just one of the reasons.  Aside from Bart Scott's "feels great, can't wait," my favorite thing to work into casual conversation is "ball don't lie." You obviously know Austin Rivers left Duke (prematurely, in my obviously not humble opinion) to go pro and was drafted by the Hornets. Rasheed is just making sure Doc's son feels welcome and included in the NBA with his classic "ball don't lie!" taunt during this missed free throw. Skip to 00:24 for the shot. 

Fall, Excuse Me...Autumn

         It’s time to say goodbye. Warm weather, we bid you farewell with heavy hearts. It’s time to let go of the sundresses, lax pinnies, day drinking on porches and everything that warm weather brings to our little oasis in Oxford. 
          This is a bittersweet goodbye, though. Saying bye to girls in white pants means welcoming girls in yoga pants. Saying adios to Corona and summer ales means cracking open Oktoberfests and Pumpkinheads. Girls go ape shit for fall, excuse me, Autumn, and making a chick’s day is easy (apple) pickins. Sure, we all have to put up with each other’s instagrams of dead leaves but I don’t care who you are, fall means pumpkin spice EVERYTHING and that’s good news. 
          Hard to find too much to complain about when football is in full swing, hockey is starting up (College hockey at least. Fuck you, Gary Bettman) and the number of guys wearing sandals is going down. Now I'm just waiting for someone to get injured because they thought jumping off a roof into a leaf pile was a good idea. "No, guys, I GOT THIS." -Don Vito Broleone

How many pictures EXACTLY like this will we see? Setting the over/under at 300

          Sup betches, Don Vito covered pretty much everything for the bros. However, ladies, we have a few extra things we unfortunately have to say goodbye to during the fucking freezing winter months. First, say goodbye to using summer as an excuse to have shameless and/or meaningless summer flings. Say hello to boyfriend season. For those of us that choose this route, snag a man who isn't gonna suck to be with through Green Beer Day. Say goodbye to wine wednesdays with your girls because we'll either all be stuck shotgunning with our boys (not exactly complaining...yet) or big spooning a bottle of jack after a night as a fifth wheel at piano man. 

         But don't cry into your pumpkin spice latte just yet because you have a fucking pumpkin spice latte and that is nothing to ugly cry about. I won't even complain about the endless stream of Starbucks cups on my instagram feed because I am just as excited for those empty liquid calories. I don't wanna hear any of you bros complain about broads' overwhelming enthusiasm for autumn because you are all reaping the delicious benefits of our pumpkin and apple cider-centric baking compulsions. 

          My last complaint is about how the fuck to dress in this weather. I wake up with chattering teeth and bundle up like I'm a god damn eskimo and by the afternoon I've shed like three layers. My Tory Burch riding boots, Burberry scarf and J.Crew quilted vest were totes great decisions at 9 in the morning, but if it gets warmer during the day, there is def not enough room in my Vineyard Vines tote to lug that shit around (and I REFUSE to be "that bitch" who knocks into everyone in Dividends with her obnoxiously over-stuffed bag).

          But whatever, I'm stoked for fall and all of it's bullshit. Summer, you will be missed but I have to move on. So farewell, bikinis. So long, slip’n’slides. Hello, Halloween. Bring on the beer jackets. -Lindsay Brohan 

An Open Letter to ESPN

Dear ESPN,

            I think we should see other people. It’s not me, it’s you. I stayed faithful despite your ignorance of hockey. I still tuned in even when your one-track mind obsessed over Brett Favre and Tim Tebow. Fuck, I stayed even when you manufactured reasons to still talk about Tebow. I could honestly go on for days about what’s wrong with you (Rachel Nichols, cough) but I’ll spare you. 

          Now, however, you’ve gone too far. You've hired Frank fucking Caliendo to Sunday Countdown. That has to be a joke, right? Wrong. ESPN hired a goddamn COMEDIAN to an analysis/coverage show. When Caliendo is inevitably horrible at his new job, no one should be surprised because he sucked at his old gig too. I’d rather watch the creepy blue suit, bearded fantasy football guy’s commercials on loop than see Caliendo take bad twitter-esque (bad jokes in bad taste) commentary behind an ESPN desk.

            How can ESPN get away with this bullshit? They’re the only ones in the business. ESPN is king in the sports world. NBC is trying to horn in on the action with the NBC Sports Network but unless you love hockey and cycling exclusively, then you’ll be flipping to ESPN eventually. So who am I kidding? I will inevitably come crawling back to Scott Van Pelt (One of the few ESPN guys who I legitimately respect and enjoy) and Sage Steele. I will undoubtedly check Adam Schefter’s twitter feed for breaking football news and I will still turn on Sports Center every morning (because everyone knows that blue Powerade and Sports Center is the best hangover cure). Even though every major sports league’s television network does an infinitely better job, I will stay faithful to ESPN because I am a college student (re: baller on a budget). 

          So I’ll cling to your 30 for 30’s and your “This is Sports Center” ads and remember the good old days. I’ll hold on to the web gems and memories of Erin Andrews on the sidelines every fall Saturday. I’m ashamed of what you’ve turned me into, of how you treat me. So I’ll see you tonight, ESPN, probably after midnight when you are my only option. Please be gentle. 

-Don Vito Broleone 

Real Bros Go Deeper Than Just the Tip

          Every time you read a brotip, a full beer gets spilled. These useless “tips” are just shit a real bro would already know but they slap a number on it and call it wisdom. Their pathetic excuses for advice are a waste of your time. Brotips are basically like fortune cookies; instead of saying ‘in bed’ after them, just add, ‘no shit, dude.’ 

         I’ll try not to be as redundant as they are so here are some of my personal favorites: 

Wow. I feel fucking inspired. Do you feel inspired? 

I'm pretty sure no one has ever let a single grade define them.
(Just kidding, read Angelina Brolie's post about Asians.)

Gems: Greatest Sports Center Ad Ever?

ESPN may worship Tebow more than Timmy loves Jesus and ignore the entire sport of hockey but there is one thing they've always done right; their ads. This one is pure gold. This is John fucking Clayton. This is Sports Center. 

New Beer Mile World Record

Learn this name: Nick Symmonds.

He's no Steve Prefontaine but he is a bro you need to fucking know. He represented the United States in the Olympics this summer, but more importantly, he just set the world record for the beer mile. He ran it in five minutes and nineteen seconds. What exactly is a beer mile? Simple enough, run a mile, but put down an entire beer between each lap..and keep em down. 5:19  is an impressive mile time...if you're a high school girl, but add chugging 4 beers into the mix and it's actually insane. The kid doesn't throw up either. He downs the first brewski in 8 seconds and the next three cans don't take him much longer. I wish they recorded his splits because I guarantee that his lap times are crazyfuckingfast. I wanna see Miami Track & Field do this. Shit, I wanna see an entire drunken track meet. How dope would a beer 4X100 be? The answer is DOPE. Make it happen, bros. 

Don't know why TMZ is covering this but here's the video. 

Introducing: Kate Upton Fridays

          We're happy to welcome you to our newest weekly feature: Kate Upton Friday. I'm not gonna waste your time, here's the infamous cat daddy vid. Enjoy. We know we did. 

Call me maybe. 

Gems - Ovi, The Next Gr8 Rapper?

          Now we know why Ovi has been having a relatively subpar season, he's been perfecting his rap game. The man lives with his mother, is one of the greatest players the NHL has ever seen AND just drops verses in Russian rap videos? The man does it all. He lays out his verse at 2:55 but check the 1:21 mark for some rhythmic gymnastics, 2:19 for something I can only call, "Happy Ovi" and 2:49 for some mini Russian making a face that deserves to be shared with the world. Cheers

          (And just for kicks, here's an old french hip-hop song whose chorus is literally translated to, "put on your hood." Fucking Frenchies.)

The Best Thing About The NBA Being Back? THIS.

This is a GEM of a commercial for the return on the NBA aired by TNT. Chills for days. 

Give Those Bros a Beer - Tyler Biggs, Matt Tomassoni and Curtis McKenzie

Freshman forward Tyler Biggs was named Gongshow Gear CCHA Rookie of the Week last week after the hockey team’s sweep of Alaska; some solid momentum for the team going into this weekend’s big series vs. Michigan at home. Check out Gongshow Gear on twitter, @GongshowGear, for quality hockey lifestyle gear and some funny fucking tweets. Throw a follow the Toronto Maple Leafs prospect’s way (although he’s already got 4k superfans hanging on his every word), @Tyler_Biggs. HERE'S the link to the story on CCHA.com. So even though he’s clearly doing just fine in his first year here, give this freshman a beer. 
          The other bros are growing mustaches for Movember. You've all heard of No Shave November but Movember takes the tradition a step further. Movember is a worldwide movement to raise awareness for men's health, specifically prostate cancer and and other cancers that affect men. You can donate to Matt Tomassoni (@MattDingo27) and Curtis McKenzie's (@MuckBro16) Movember page HERE. So throw them a donation and give those bros a beer (And make sure you get to the Goggin Friday and Saturday for what are guaranteed to be two great games). 


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Gems - Take Care

Usually I’d hand off music stuff to Notorious B.R.O but I’m calling dibs on this one. Drake’s album Take Care is probably all you’re hearing about. Every tweet, every status update seems to be lyrics from Take Care and I am not complaining. This is B.o.B’s “Airplanes” all over again but with good music. I haven’t stopped listening to it yet and it just keeps growing on me. Now, some people have been calling it soft or whatever but fuck that. Andre 3000 kills it. Rihanna is decent on her track. Plus, I feel like everyone can relate to every fucking song like we’re all middle school chicks acting like “he totally wrote that song, like, FOR ME.” If you say you HAVE stopped listening, you're lying. But I’ll hop off Drake’s dick and let you decide whether its good or not. But if you say that it isn’t, you’re wrong. 


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"Don Vito Goes America on Everyone's Asses"

5:28 p.m. On a Tuesday. Scene opens on a near empty Brick Street, save a few loyalists and a small pack of wild townies. I've been in this scene more often than I've been behind a computer screen entertaining you and for that, I will not apologize. I’ve been slacking in a major way when it comes to writing and tweeting. Whatever, cry about it (Some of you have been via Twitter and no, it's not endearing). But this attitude has applied to everything in my life recently. I’ve definitely reached that point in the semester where I just don’t give a fuck. I actually feel sorry for you guys because some funny shit has happened around campus and around, ya know, the world that I could’ve blogged about and you all missed out. Sucks. But this is my promise to continue to be as dysfunctional as the "It's Always Sunny" gang and not give a fuck. And the Brotege will continue to do all the Charlie Work. You’re welcome, Miami. 


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Halloween Hangover

I have it. Still. 


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Gem- Occupy Herbstreit

        Illustrious contributor Sandy Brofax just brought this wonderful, wonderful website to my attention. Just the definition of a gem. It's called "Occupy Herbstreit." If the whole "Occupy" movement wasn't enough of a punchline on it's own, this is just the icing on the proverbial cake (Thank you, Marie Antoinette). I mean, the whole idea is pure gold but each sign is better than the next. And I love the tribute to Wilson Wilson Jr.  Here are a few of my favorite ones, but you can check out the whole site HERE. 

Football's 1% 

Herbstreit's takin' over. 

Bill Cosby as a poster boy for the 1%? 

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Gems - Mustache Rides, Anyone?

          Don't mess with Texas. Derek Holland's mustache was clearly the star of the game last night. Forget his superior skills on the mound, the mustache is the source of all his talent. Cleat chasers lining up for mustache rides left and right. Seriously though, if (when) the Texas Rangers win the World Series only address me as Big Tex (for at least a week). And who saw W throw out that first pitch? Just a liiittle worse than John Lackey, but W probably wasn't throwing back beers in the clubhouse (more like Maker's or Johnny Walker Blue) Stick to golfing, Mr. President. 

I Need a Vacation From That Vacation

        One day off? Horseshit, Miami. Give me a Monday off and I will start writing my alumni donor checks now. Give me a Friday off and I won't even notice. We all know the amount of effort put in on Fridays is laughable anyway so giving us an official day off on a Friday is a literal slap in the face. "Hey students,  need a break? We'll pretend to give you one!"How fucking kind of you. 

Such a tease. 

         And after the way most of us treated fall break, partying with friends at neighboring schools, taking over the empty-ish bars uptown, regurgitating homemade meals and getting blackout with friends from home, we all need a break to catch up. If you're an athlete you honestly didn't have a fall break (just like you never have free time anyway). Other schools get legitimate fall breaks (I'm talking a week to ten days. Is that ridiculous or what?) and I hate them for that and my hate is directly derived from pure jealousy. It's currently 2:34 am Tuesday morning and I should be making my way back from Karaoke but instead I'm doing work I ignored over my "relaxing" break and ranting about my irresponsible habits. So Miami, if you could cater to my personal priorities and lackluster work ethic, that would be greatly appreciated. 

You're Killin' Me Smalls - Weather

          As you've all noticed, its been slightly colder than the usual eighty fucking five degree weather here lately....and its all I'm fucking hearing about. First it was jubilant, celebratory tweets, stati and conversation about fall, yoga pants and jokes at the kids who actually have cargo pants (to match the shorts, clearly) expense. Football is starting up and girls are talking about their "creative (slutty) yet tasteful (not tasteful)", Halloween costumes already so life is beautiful, right? Wrongo. Three days later it hits 90 and people act like they've never experienced the effects of the sun. You get the kids who still dressed for the cold/wind and are soaked through by the time they sit next you in class, awesome. Then there are the people who are dressed for the weather but just won't stop with the "Its so hot!" and "I'm melting!" Shut up, you are not the Wicked Witch of the West (Or East? IDFK) and you'll be fine. After everyone has re-acclimated to the heat, like a slap to the bag, it's windy as fuck and you have to remember to grab your Fratagonia on your way to class. Mother nature is a bitch. But not as much as the girls who have already pulled out the Uggs and the knee length parkas. Really? The switch from flip flops to Sperrys wasn't dramatic enough for you? I wish I could unleash Brogina George on every girl I see thats ridiculously overdressed. 

This is not the scenery guys are always referring to. 

          The only thing worse than seeing people pathetically prepared for changes in the weather (This happens four times a year, you should have learned how to adapt. Darwinism at work?) is seeing them tweet about it. Enough with the weather tweets. Jaysus. 

          However, I am a huge fan of fall. Yoga pants and Halloween aside, it means everyone will no longer be sweating on the walk from the pregame to uptown. It means football every Sunday and baseball might finally get interesting. It means hockey starts soon and that the NBA lockout won't end soon (wait, what?). And it means the two greatest holidays, obviously Thanksgiving and Christmas (68 days & 99 days, respectively. Stay strong), are not too far away. Whether you like the cold or not, (Please, don't talk about it) Fall is pretty decent so just watch some football, throw on a sweatshirt and respect the chill. 

Freshman Fail - Internship Edition

          So this is an email I got from a freshman looking to be an intern today. I was planning on waiting for Fail Friday to post this but I'm gonna announce the interns and add them to the Broster tomorrow so here it comes. When I got this email tonight I just had to laugh. Nice wet dream, bro. Keep following. 

"My first weekend here started out with a bang, literally. My older brother is a recent grad, so he threw my number out to a few of his fraternity brothers to look out for my buddies and I until we became networked with other people who had houses and shit. I meet up with one of the guys he had introduced me to a while back (parents weekend all throughout high school lead to mad amounts of caps and throwing around cash from a young age) and we met at the fraternity house for what I thought to be a few drinks before hitting the bars. I was kind of wrong. Two hours later I was 8 deep (not about to lie about how much I can drink, i know plenty of minions who would claim to be ten deep, but theyre all fucking liars) and feeling well-beyond ready to go out. Next on the agenda was CJ's, where thankfully they knew the bouncers and shit so i was able to get in and acquainted with my first wrist-band. Enter brownout mood. I'm fairly certain I bought drinks for about 11 chicks and half of the fraternity. Soco and lime shots were decent and cheap, so that was being thrown around like newspapers on a sunday morning. My next clear recollection was sucking face with some junior who actually believed that I was a sophomore at Dartmouth.That works every time. We left for her place to go bang, which was sick, so I took another shot and left the bar with an empty wallet and a stomach filled with what was about to be some colorful puke. She lived far as fuck away, but I kept trucking, god forbid i end the night without closing on this 6. She slips a condom on me (who the hell does that?) and we slay until i climax like mt. st. helens. She walks with me into the bathroom and out of no where, I square up to her, make eye contact, and projectile onto her face, rug, and toilet. For some reason, my first instinct was to grab her monogrammed bath towel and wipe off my puke covered body. That sort of pissed her off, but fuck it. I slip in my own puke, nail my forearm on the toilet seat, grab my pants and hit the road. This bitch was practically in tears as I made my exit. Thankfully I didn't shell out my bbm pin or anything, and she thinks my name is james valincourt, so I won't be receiving any facebook inboxes. My girlfriend would kill me if this shit went public, so alas I'll sign off" 

Freshman Fail.