Dear ESPN,
I
think we should see other people. It’s not me, it’s you. I stayed faithful despite
your ignorance of hockey. I still tuned in even when your one-track mind
obsessed over Brett Favre and Tim Tebow. Fuck, I stayed even when you manufactured reasons to still talk about
Tebow. I could honestly go on for days about what’s wrong with you (Rachel
Nichols, cough) but I’ll spare you.
Now, however, you’ve gone too far. You've hired Frank fucking Caliendo to Sunday Countdown. That has to be a joke, right?
Wrong. ESPN hired a goddamn COMEDIAN to an analysis/coverage show. When
Caliendo is inevitably horrible at his new job, no one should be surprised
because he sucked at his old gig too. I’d rather watch the creepy blue suit,
bearded fantasy football guy’s commercials on loop than see Caliendo take bad
twitter-esque (bad jokes in bad taste) commentary behind an ESPN desk.
How
can ESPN get away with this bullshit? They’re the only ones in the business.
ESPN is king in the sports world. NBC is trying to horn in on the action with
the NBC Sports Network but unless you love hockey and cycling exclusively, then
you’ll be flipping to ESPN eventually. So who am I kidding? I will inevitably
come crawling back to Scott Van Pelt (One of the few ESPN guys who I legitimately
respect and enjoy) and Sage Steele. I will undoubtedly check Adam Schefter’s
twitter feed for breaking football news and I will still turn on Sports Center
every morning (because everyone knows that blue Powerade and Sports Center is
the best hangover cure). Even though every major sports league’s television
network does an infinitely better job, I will stay faithful to ESPN because I
am a college student (re: baller on a budget).
So I’ll cling to your 30 for
30’s and your “This is Sports Center” ads and remember the good old days. I’ll
hold on to the web gems and memories of Erin Andrews on the sidelines every
fall Saturday. I’m ashamed of what you’ve turned me into, of how you treat me.
So I’ll see you tonight, ESPN, probably after midnight when you are my only
option. Please be gentle.
-Don Vito Broleone
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