#TextsFromUptown - Weekend of the 24th

Our first round of #TFU's came in last night. Man, there were some beauties. Here are a few:

(Church): my mouth is pure liquor. haha. evil.

(Sycamore): same i jusrt got attackke by bambi.

(Church): what a dick! dude go below the belt be like how's your mom fucker??! he won't respond but that's because he will be devastated 

(Sycamore): that would be awful. totally uncalled for he just a CHILD. 

(High): get the fuck to skippers 

(Collins:) drinkitty drinkitty drank. all the way to the bank 

(High): at brick. can't understand why youre at the bank and not here 

(Poplar): found traffic cones. which block are we claiming? 

(These are just a few of the ones we got last night. Some (most) were beyond my ability to read. But keep sending your #TFU's and maybe you'll get on the blog! Thanks and channel your inner ke$ha and send some quality #TFU's tonight.) 

Bros To Know - Miami Hockey Incoming Freshmen

          Freshman! Freshman! Do something crazy! Liiiike getting picked in the first round of the NHL Draft? Yeah, that works. The Miami brotherhood has the largest incoming class that Blasi has ever brought in. Not only are they the biggest, but they may just be the most talented. Both Connor Murphy (@cmurphy5) and Tyler Biggs were both selected in the first round, 20th and 22nd respectively. Murph went to the Phoenix Coyotes (sound familiar?) and current Yotes 4th liner and Twitter Phenom Paul Bissonette (@biznasty2point0) has already promised him a fake ID, what a guy. Biggs went to the Toronto Maple Leafs, a typical pick for Brian Burke (if Burke drafts you, you're definitely a beast on the ice, ahem Justin Vaive), GM of the Leafs and father of Brendan Burke. The soon-to-be Redhawks weren't done after the first round though. Blake Coleman (@bcoles25) was drafted in the 3rd round, 75th overall, by the New Jersey Devils and Sean Kuraly (@kurals7), son of former Miami Redhawk hockey player Rick Kuraly was drafted in round 5, 133rd overall, to the San Jose Sharks. Either way, these are some fucking freshmen bros to know.  

Texts From Uptown - #TFU

[TFU]: 

         We've all done it. You're uptown at Pachinko's or New Bar or Brick for karaoke or 90's night and are a couple too many (not enough?) drinks in and your phone is suddenly in your hand and shit just happens. You text the right person, the wrong person, fucking every person in your contacts. Looking back the next morning can be painful or hilarious but either way your humiliation can be everyone else's entertainment. We'll obviously post our embarrassing Texts From Uptown but we want to hear from the rest of Oxford so submit your texts via twitter by mentioning @MiamiofBrohio and #TFU and/or #TextsFromUptown or shoot us an email at miamiofbrohio@gmail.com. We want to see the Texts From Uptown in all their misspelled, belligerent glory. 


         And without further ado, here are some of the gems me and the intern Brogina George have been tweeting about, not in conversational order. (No text was altered or grammatically fixed in any way.) 


Brogina George: So fucked hahaha i'm picking up quarters off brick street's floor for quarters for laundry (jesus christ, intern, we might pay you if you're that desperate. just kidding, we're not paying you.) 


Don Vito Broleone: haha getti g too drunk happens to the best of us. and by that i mean it happened to me tonight and im the best of us. (i know nothing but the truth.) 


DVB: blackout was three hours ago. im like supernova blackhole antimatter-out. (I have no explanation for why I got that nerdy while I was blackout. I guess im a pocket Einstein? Go with it.)


DVB: girls are hot messes. im a fucking natural disaster. (Like I said, I know nothing but the truth.) 


BG: hahahah word. fuck im about to make some sub par social decisions. fucking hormones christ....i might as well be a dude (Well, Brogina, you do write for Brohio so who knows. But easy, keep it in your pants. Jesus.) 

You Crazy Kids.

All the folks trapped here in glamorous Oxford for the summer recently had the pleasure of taking a glance into the future during good old Miami University of Ohio Alumni Weekend. And let me tell you something, besides having the ability to shit your pants and people finding it socially acceptable we don't have too much to look forward to. Alumni weekend is a great time to visit your old stomping grounds while reliving some amazing memories with your pals. It's also apparently a hall pass to act like a total fucking lunatic. Maybe it's the rush of getting driven around in those totally dope Miami golf carts during the scheduled MU activities during the day that makes miami alumnus lose their goddamn minds. Or maybe it's just that one eighth of a sugary alcoholic drink you and your buddies started nursing at 8PM interacting poorly with your shingles meds, I don't know I'm not a learn-ed doctor. What I do know is there's a better chance of seeing Prez-dawg Hodge stumbling down high street waving a bottle of Kamchatka over his head belting Alice Cooper's "School's Out" than catching a gentleman alumni escorting a young miss back to her house in Oxford for some late night wine and a bit of light jazz.

And as much as it pains me to admit this, I know it's not just the men creeping around Oxford once alumni weekend rolls around. Ladies, you're giving women all over the country a bad fucking name. You may have spent your money on some lipo, rock hard boobies, and giant twizzler lips (see: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Twizzlers%20lips&defid=3249486 for a definition if you need it Rainman) and just because you spend hours at the gym doing kickbox-yogallatis-class or whatever the fuck it's called to preserve what's left of your youth doesn't necessarily qualify you for the cougar of the year award. I've seen one too many fizzled out women wandering around uptown looking like a close relative of the fucking Crypt Keeper.

Yes, you may have been a keg crushing boss hog 24 year old fifth year back in '58 but now my friend you're a perfect candidate for the Denny's Over 50 part of the menu. It's also safe to say no one gives a shit if you were the hottest cheerleader back when Lyndon Johnson was president and we were still known as the big, bad (and slightly racist) RedSkins. The emotional sting of having that heavy truth unloaded on your ass must be similar to your most recent colonoscopy but it needed to be said. Regardless of how totally rad you were in college once you start developing liver spots it's time to put down the mind probe and retire nicknames like Beast, Worm, and Bulldog.

Don't get me wrong, I am well aware that I'll be wandering the streets of Oxford 40 years from now looking like a wax figurine version of myself, ripping Starry Night shots in Brick St., and attempting to pick up some young stud muffin just to prove "I still got it" but until then I'm recommending to college alumni worldwide slowly remove yourself from your college hang out and go slap on a cardigan because it's 5pm and although it's happy hour for all us twenty somethings, it's your supper time bitch.

Summer Playlist: Volume 3

This volume of #TheSummerOfGeorge Playlist is brought to you once again by Etch-A-Sketch


Kendrick Lamar- Hiiipower: Produced by J. Cole. Clever lyrics, quality song over all. 

Drake- Dreams Money Can Buy: You all love Drake already, I don't need to convince you. 

B.o.b.- NY NY: Another song about NYC? Yes, and it's good. And it's better than listening to every girl sing "Empire State of Mind." 

Big Sean- What Goes Around: If you don't already like Big Sean, where have you been living, under a stupid rock? (His verse on the All of the Lights remix didn't convince you?) then this song will definitely convert you. His album "Finally Famous" drops on June 28th. 

Mobb Deep- Survival of the Fittest: Throwback. 

Natty Champs - A Study in Winning

       

Countdown - Fourth of July

This belongs on a lax jersey.  

          The Fourth of July - everything good about America concentrated into one day, how fucking great is that? Who doesn't love spending the day out on the lake (or by/in a pool if you're rockin' the suburbs), grilling, bottomless coolers and fireworks? Every American citizen eats that shit up. I don't need to remind anyone how awesome the USA is (just ask these guys for a reminder). Whether you celebrate wearing jorts and a cutoff or seersucker and Sperrys, enjoy the greatest country on earth. 24 days, count it down. 

Go Hard In The Plank

Planking (verb):

Not to be confused with Plank (exercise).

The lying down game (also known as planking, or face downs) is an activity, popular in Asia and Australia, consisting of lying face down in an unusual or incongruous* location. The hands must touch the sides of the body, and having a photograph of the participant taken and posted on the Internet is an integral part of the game. Players compete to find the most unusual and original location in which to play. The location should also be as public as possible, and as many people as possible should be involved.

*I have no fucking idea what this word means.

Before I begin I'd like to thank Wikipedia for clarifying that planking isn't the same as the abdominal exercise referred to as a plank, and if there was a time span that exceeded a minute where you honestly thought I would take the time to write about an ab workout. Suck it. I would never voluntarily endorse exercise unless it has something to do with being heavily intoxicated, and even then I'd be hesitant.

I would love to tell you that planking is stupid and call everyone who even thinks about taking the time to set this up a douche bag, but I too am a planker and I’m proud. Besides looking like a neglected summertime peach all covered in bruises it’s fucking hysterical. It's all about the technique. The best planks require superb balance and a lot of free time. All that’s left is adding a cooky public backdrop and you've got yourself a game changer ladies and gentlemen.

With the economy still being in the shitter and a general lack of activities Oxford, OH the folks of 45056 are embracing planking as some good wholesome fun. At least until some drunk dick head tries to plank on those completely useless stone animals on High St. that half naked towny children crawl all over, takes a tumble Scarlet style, and causes a fucking scene. But until that day I whole heartedly give my support to the planking community. Plank hard and plank often motha fuckas.

It's not all fun and games though. This news crew encourages you not to plank from a seventh floor balcony because if you fall you will die..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tRHnTFesv7c&feature=player_embedded

As for planking thus far in Oxford here's a little visual snack to tide you over:

Just to get everyone in the planking spirit here's a link to pictures of some serious planking vets..

http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/9x9Hiy/www.geekosystem.com/best-planking-pictures/2/

(I'd also like to clarify on behalf of the Miami of Brohio crew we do not condone planking. So if you get injured while attempting to plank don't you go running around putting that evil on us, I'm not paying for shit.)

Word to the Wise - Pledge Allegiance to the New Era Flag

          Whether you're a Boston or a New York fan (Or neither, I heard the Tribe is surprisingly not embarrassing this year) you can enjoy the New Era Rivalry spots,  regardless. High caliber ads on the level of the E*Trade baby and the Dos Equis man (Not quite on par with Sports Center ads, but cmaan, nothing beats those). However, this series will have you pledging allegiance to the New Era flag. 

9 to 5 Grind

Worker. 

          There are worse things than having to get up at 7 AM to put on a suit and head to work. But when my alarm goes off, I can't think of them. However, my summer job is pretty sick. I am not confined to a cubicle, I don't have to deal with snotty kids and I don't have to scoop ice cream. I'm not mowing lawns or yelling at middle schoolers to stop running near the pool, I'm working for the big bad government and actually enjoying it. I already have a bit going with the Speaker of the House and I've effectively claimed the seat in the House gallery with the most leg room that happens to be right by the one open window. In one week I have achieved veteran status. I'm also the youngest person legitimately working at the state house (The pages don't count because they are literally seven years old) so I do have that going for me. I usually find myself in the cafeteria in the basement for lunch (Unless my boss decides to take me with his clients to lunch. So I usually find myself in the cafeteria) and I'm a novelty. The Senators' and Representatives' interns all work in their headquarters in their counties or districts so a college kid in the state house? "It's just swell to see a young person take an interest in their state." So that will usually get me a free lunch. It's no dream job (I wouldn't mind these offices) but I'm getting paper, if you will, and thank god I'm not doing it while wearing an orange vest and holding a stop/slow sign. 

Netflix: Friend or Foe? Answer: Frenemy.

The rumor-filled, totally false account of how  I
ruined my flawless reputation....for taste in movies.

          Netflix is a godsend. Who knows how I would spend my free time without it (Doing something productive? Definitely not). But it is also a frenemy (A term I learned from a movie I recently saw). I share the account with my family (So really only me and my brother use it) so they can see what I watch. Usually I wouldn't be embarrassed by what I watch instantly but my brother finds a way to insult every movie or show that pops up on the home screen. Sometimes I come back at him (Really? You watched another Matt Damon movie? The only way you could be gayer is if you were watching 90's Leo Dicaprio movies) but I can usually brush it off because I will not apologize for watching Top Gear, Dexter or Arrested Development. However, a recent event made me come to the conclusion that Netflix history is something not to be trifled with. I (semi) willingly admit I watched "Easy A".....by myself. If you've seen Emma Stone (or the other blonde chick that isn't Amanda Bynes), thanks for understanding. My brother was not so forgiving. He lit into me for watching a chick flick and wouldn't let it go for days. Every time the subject was brought up I wanted to shut him down with "Not now, Quiznos!" but since he hasn't seen "Easy A" he wouldn't get the reference. So here's the lesson to be learned from this. Either man up and take the heat regarding your Netflix usage or open your own account if you've got thin skin. Now I'm just biding my time, waiting for a brotha to slip up.