I grew up as one
of those kids who always tried to be “the nice guy.” The one that talked to the
pretty girls and, although always did well for himself, somehow failed to bat
truly top-tier (hard to imagine that now, right?) I was that guy who would pick
up the call from his smokeshow friend at any hour of the day and let her rant
end-on-end about whatever asshole with which she was currently involved. I saw
the tears, I heard the cries, but the next thing I knew, all was well with her
and I was back to square one.
This
behavior continued for many years. Having manifested itself throughout the
early stages of high school, it ended when I began dating a nice gal at the end
of my junior year. She went to a different high school and was (still is, in
fact) a lovely gal all-around.
At
the conclusion of our relationship, I found myself in an awkward spot. Here I
was, freshly single, having been in a serious relationship for two-plus years.
This is when I became an asshole.
What
is an asshole, you say? A term thrown around by a bunch of liberals. No, but in
honesty, an asshole is a man. One who knows what he wants and plays by the
rules—yet always wins (even though he occasionally bends them.) An asshole is
the guy who will go up to a girl unprovoked and tell her he thinks she’s
gorgeous. He’ll be the one who buys her drinks, generally operates like the
cock of the walk, and is fully confident in every sense of the word. He’ll be
blackout drunk one night and early for bunch the next morning. He operates
under the true definition of YOLO, but fuck that phrase, because it sucks.
His
detractors will call him arrogant. The asshole won’t mind. They’ll talk about
his drinking. He’ll order a double. They’ll remark how he chases tail, and how he
womanizes—nonsense; in the immortal words of Hank Moody, an asshole could never
dislike women as he “has all their albums.”
So,
men, be an asshole. Be up front. Be to the point. Fail to give a damn. Be a
man. Go up to that girl at the bar, charm her, ask for her number, do what you
will. Treat her well, but never doubt your manly instincts or the thrill of the
chase. Drink. Hell, drink a lot. Enjoy your time. Walk into a room and cockily
inquire which of the other guys is finishing second. Women fail to find
pussyfooting and insecurity attractive, and the quicker you realize that,
you’ll be walk-of-shaming in no time.
-Sandy Brofax
