Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Word to the Wise: Why Women Love Assholes


          I grew up as one of those kids who always tried to be “the nice guy.” The one that talked to the pretty girls and, although always did well for himself, somehow failed to bat truly top-tier (hard to imagine that now, right?) I was that guy who would pick up the call from his smokeshow friend at any hour of the day and let her rant end-on-end about whatever asshole with which she was currently involved. I saw the tears, I heard the cries, but the next thing I knew, all was well with her and I was back to square one.

            This behavior continued for many years. Having manifested itself throughout the early stages of high school, it ended when I began dating a nice gal at the end of my junior year. She went to a different high school and was (still is, in fact) a lovely gal all-around.

            At the conclusion of our relationship, I found myself in an awkward spot. Here I was, freshly single, having been in a serious relationship for two-plus years. This is when I became an asshole.

            What is an asshole, you say? A term thrown around by a bunch of liberals. No, but in honesty, an asshole is a man. One who knows what he wants and plays by the rules—yet always wins (even though he occasionally bends them.) An asshole is the guy who will go up to a girl unprovoked and tell her he thinks she’s gorgeous. He’ll be the one who buys her drinks, generally operates like the cock of the walk, and is fully confident in every sense of the word. He’ll be blackout drunk one night and early for bunch the next morning. He operates under the true definition of YOLO, but fuck that phrase, because it sucks.

His detractors will call him arrogant. The asshole won’t mind. They’ll talk about his drinking. He’ll order a double. They’ll remark how he chases tail, and how he womanizes—nonsense; in the immortal words of Hank Moody, an asshole could never dislike women as he “has all their albums.”

So, men, be an asshole. Be up front. Be to the point. Fail to give a damn. Be a man. Go up to that girl at the bar, charm her, ask for her number, do what you will. Treat her well, but never doubt your manly instincts or the thrill of the chase. Drink. Hell, drink a lot. Enjoy your time. Walk into a room and cockily inquire which of the other guys is finishing second. Women fail to find pussyfooting and insecurity attractive, and the quicker you realize that, you’ll be walk-of-shaming in no time.

-Sandy Brofax 


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