Gems - Clever Tool Commercial

Decently clever commercial from Echo Tools. Making a bold move by throwing out the "we have to remind you that tools are manly" marketing playbook, Echo made this gem. I like it. Check it out. 

Sexiest College Mascot of the Week

This weeks winner goes to Evergreen State's Geoduck!

This is easily my favorite mascot yet. I only just learned what the hell a geoduck was, through the Discovery Channel and the fact that a school has it as its mascot, makes it that much cooler. Only downside is, there aren't any geoduck joke books for me to reference, so just Google what a geoduck actually looks like and you'll have your laugh.

Things I Care More About Than the #RoyalWedding

I'm just gonna freestyle for a bit about things that I care more about than the royal wedding, Dr. Cox style. 


Without further ado, I care more about: 

• Reggie Bush leaving the New Orleans Saints (And still, who cares?)
• The 8 Words With Friends games I'm in (And losing) 
• Finals (I would literally rather study than have to watch this 7 million dollar(pounds? euros? whatever) waste of time) 
• The fact that TFM reached 100,000 followers on Twitter 
• The fact that Catherine Zeta-Jones is bi-polar (The hot ones are always crazy)
• Finding out who the Republican presidential nominees (I'm pulling for Trump)
• Which zoo in America is going to get the next panda
• Why women wear ridiculously ugly hats when they're not at the Kentucky Derby 
• Why women wear ridiculously ugly hats when they're AT the Kentucky Derby 
• Steve Carrell's last episode of The Office (Based on quality of content (still havent seen it but heard it was solid), that episode should have gotten the 2 billion viewers that the Kate Middleton show got.)
• The fact that so many MLB teams have weird ass creatures as mascots (Philly, Boston, etc) Not that I dont love it...
• The iPhone/Droid/Blackberry argument (Well, which one gets internet? Oh, they all do? You'll be fine)
• Womens' Basketball
• The processes of grass growing/paint drying/metal rusting/etc 

No Thanks. And Kate, check out bullet number 8.

A Bro Wears Many Hats

         Ok Bros, so let’s be honest: 10 am classes suck, 9 am classes suck harder, and anyone who actually goes to their 8 am classes should just be labeled Little Miss Fucking Sunshine. But, hey sometimes these things are just unavoidable. Now, for most of the day, I look almost exactly like a sex god that just walked out of a Polo add. But bitch please, I’m not going to get my sorry ass out of bed early enough to look nice for anything that starts before noon.Regardless, most of the time I do prefer to hide the bed head, and so I might as well look good while doing it. (And there are other times when it is nice to be wearing a hat too) so, here is the countdown of top 10 things to put on your head:

Number 10: MY hat.This hat is just ballin, but let’s be honest, I’m probably the only person that can pull it off, so I can’t justify putting it in the top 5.

Number 9: Disgusting old piece of shit hat
I have this old Yankees hat that I have had since my head was physically large enough to fit in to a normal hat size; this hat used to be Navy blue, but because of the blood, sweat, and tears (and more sweat) that have come out of my body whilst I have been wearing this hat have made it a light blue/tan-ish kind of color.

Note: This is not me, this is not my hat. This kids hat is just gross. So is that 'stache. Sicko. 

Number 8: The Camo Hat
This is possibly the best way to go to class looking uber-masculine; the only way to look more like a complete stud is to pull a Dick Chaney and take a shotgun to all of the squirrels on campus. Ten bonus points if its a Longhorns or Bass Pro Shop hat. Or 'Bama. Roll tide. 

Number 7: Classic Flatty
The kind with the tag still on and a proof of purchase sticker. Do not attempt to wear this hat unless THIS is you. Sorry girls, not for you.

Number 6: Captain’s hat
Nothing says I am the MFIC (and for those of you that don't know that: the Mother Fucker In Charge) like looking like you belong at the top of your yacht shouting orders and drinking a scotch. (I wore one uptown once… so many drinks, so few I actually paid for. and I got called Captain all night. Fuck the Dos Equis bro, I even looked better than the Old Spice guy. Unbeatable.)

Number 5: Green Beer Day Hat
Represent.

Number 4: Washington Capitals Hat
Nobody (regardless of where you are from) should feel ashamed to where the hat of the 2011 Stanly Cup winner… (Laughter) and at least it’s not the Penguins this year.

Number 3: [product placement] College Bar Hats from the College Shack /Polo Hat
Brogina, you’re a girl, you should love this. Either one is a Miami classic.

Number 2: The Natty Hat
Natty + Hat = Happy… granted, this hat usually comes before the bed head, not after.


Number 1: The White Snap-Back
The God-Damn-Holy-Grail of all hats. The Shit, no doubt about it. You should not be considered a Miami Bro if you don’t have one of these. PS- I only endorse this guy’s hat. 

Gems - NHL.com Headlines

         They're punny as shit and I almost always laugh to myself when I see them. Obviously, not every one is a gem but there are always a few that are absolute gold. Here are a few of the headlines from the past few days that have drawn a laugh out of me. 

Revenge is always better when chilled before serving. 

My favorite out of the bunch? Easily "Coburn Baby Burn". Crafty coming in a close second.

While "Price Check" is a refreshing change from "The Price is Right" (Actually, the Price is WRONG, BITCH!) but I like "Thomas Saves" out of this group because I like to think they're comparing Timmy to Jesus. And let's face it, the way Thomas flops around on the ice and still makes those fuckin incred saves has to involve some kind of divine intervention. "Gionta Finishes" also makes the 16 year old in me snicker.

OMG get it? Because of, like, the royal wedding! NHL.com, relevant in pop culture? I guess. Clever either way.

         I honestly cannot believe how unpopular the NHL still is in America. The first round of the playoffs have been the most exciting playoff action we've seen in any sport in a long, long time. Plus with NHL.com employing better writers than Saturday Night Live these days, the lack of popularity is just surprising to me. Wake up, sports fans. 

Countdown - HP7

          Here is where I reveal my nerdy side. So I'll admit, I'm kind of excited for the last Harry Potter movie to come out. I'm not one of the batshit fans who dresses up in a fucking wizard costume for the midnight premiere just to pick apart the inaccuracies but I do concede that the movies are entertaining as fuck. Plus, I grew up reading the books. The new trailer for the last movie just came out and while it is intense as shit and would probably make non-fans go see it (Emma Watson doesnt hurt. The chick that plays Ginny...eh) I'm not blown away. 
          The fact that a casual fan like myself could pick out things from the trailer that were not in the book is a bad sign for Warner Bros. Imagine the diehards freaking out about the inaccuracies. There's going to be hysteria. The costumed crazies might storm out of the theater (I hope so because I always provide color commentary when I'm watching movies and there is nothing more annoying than a 12 year old wearing a fucking robe and face paint trying to tell me to be quiet. Easy, tiger). 
          Either way, the trailer is kind of sick. Can't wait to hear the chirps about having a Harry Potter post. Whatever, we can only talk about the weather for so long. Either way, go see it, but maybe wait until it's been out for a few days so you don't have to deal with the adolescent psychos. July 15th. Count it down. 

Gems - 'Nado Basement Parties

          
basement party - the cool kids

As Brogina George wisely said, "It's 'nado season, bitches. And shits about to get weird." Preach. I've spent more time in basements in the past few weeks than I had planned. With flash flood and tornado warnings becoming part of my and everyone else's regular routine I thought I'd share a song that we can all embrace. Next time the tornado sirens go off (tonight?) blast this bitch and have a fucking basement party. Get it, got it, gooood. 

We Couldn't Have Said It Better - Dom Mazzetti vs. Finals

Brilliant. I don't think I need to say much else but I just laughed way too hard for what is appropriate at King for the week before finals. Anyway, if you're struggling with the reality of finals coming up, just follow Dom's example. 

Rain Check: Suns Out Guns Out

Spring time in Oxford, Ohio is usually associated with day drinking, Hawks Landing pool, and a significantly lower GPA than the fall semester. Unfortunately, the student body of Miami is too distracted by all of the light hearted outdoor activities (or in the case of spring 2011, being stuck indoors) to take notice of the monstrous creature roaming the streets. This beast creeps throughout Oxford without making a sound, I'm pretty sure no one has ever even seen the damn thing but there are some serious symptoms of someone who has fallen victim to none other than, the sleeve monster.

Don't scream, I know, it's horrifying. The sleeve monster preys upon the perfectly assembled t-shirts of gym rats and meat heads, leaving them helpless without anything more than a cutoff. It seems outrageous but there is no other logical explanation. No one would voluntarily strut around looking like a douche bag. At this point it's hard to say how many men (and female tools..you're included as well, don't feel discriminated against) have been assaulted already this year.

Through my personal observations it seems as though the cut-off-tee wearing jocktastic creatine craving victims stay in tight packs. They stomp through the rec weight room just looking to pick up the heaviest shit they can find so all can gaze upon their glorious muscles without any restrictions from the common construction of the modern day t-shirt sleeve.

So what now? This monster is ripping the sleeves clean off of people's arms, clearly this injustice must be stopped. If you, or anyone you know has any shirts laying around that appear to be missing not one, but two sleeves (and possibly the fabric that goes all the way down the side of the shirt..if this is the case just start a fire in your bedroom because it's a lost fucking cause) do everyone a favor and toss them right in the nearest trash can. There's nothing worse than walking around and spotting a male nipple poking itself out of the side of a mangled cut off, it makes me throw up in my mouth almost instantaneously.

It's hard to say which is more outrageous, the thought of some juice head taking the time to sit at home cutting the sleeves of his shirt or an actual monster living in Oxford that lives strictly off of sleeve fabric.

..Just to be clear A.C. Slater makes this shit look good, I bet that aluminum foil stool weighs at least 2.5 lbs so he’s workin hard to flex those pythons. Plus it’s hard to insult the guy on his “vintage” tank top when it’s tucked into that sweet pair of acid wash jeans hiked up to his belly button and secured with a fabric belt when he’s banging hoes like Kelly Kapowski and Jessie Spano. Regardless, I’m assuming you get the point, he looks like a fucking idiot.

This shit weather has really put the sleeve monster's meal opportunities on hold. But at this point folks, I wouldn’t say hell naw to a nice set of hairy mipples (man nipples) or even a pair of saggy bitch tits. Somewhere in between the flash flood warnings and funnel cloud sightings I’ve officially lost my damn mind. If it meant having sunshine and day drinking worthy weather for just a few days I would fucking pay someone to slap on a muscle tee right now. Even the echoing sounds of “Did you get your tickets to the gun show?” would be more appealing than the constant honking sounds blaring out of the oversized megaphones we have posted around town that do nothing more than make most of your girlfriends flip the fuck out and start talking incessantly about how you need to take the weather warnings more seriously while she's dragging a pre-made survival kit into the basement.

But, until mother nature decides to calm the fuck down slip on some Hunter boots or Sperry’s, whip out the old school high water khaki’s and your northface rain jacket because it’s nado season bitches and shit’s about to get weird.

Cabo Baby, Cabo

With the NFL lock out ending "The Hills" Kristin Cavallari has a lot more to be excited about than your average semi-famous jersey chaser. Jay Cutler, quarterback for the Chi-town Bears and Cavallari are officially engaged. What does this mean for America? Abso-fucking-lutely nothing, besides a lot of really heart broken upperclass California wannabe surfer boys looking for a good boink and a lot of drama. The ever so classy engagement took place in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico. I guess Cutler assumed Kristin's old stomping grounds during the unforgettable vaca episodes of "Laguna Beach" (sweet jesus) was the perfect place to pop the question.

I can imagine it now, big bad Jay sitting across from Kristin at a romantic restaurant, her eyes glazed over from pounding margaritas and doing lines of cocaine in the restaurant bathroom. Just a fucking vision. He took out the 5.2 carat ring (for all you dumb asses out there that's a big fucking rock) and slipped it on her finger. With tears in her eyes all she could muster was "oh. em. gee." The rest is history.

I'm not sure what sort of jaded universe Cutler lives in but the thought of being legally binded to Kristin Cavallari is my fucking nightmare. Ya, she might be hot I'll give her that, but I'm not entirely sure it's worth dealing with that whiney daddy's girl day in and day out. As far as the future, with Cutler at QB I wouldn't put my money on the Bears. Celeb marriages in the NFL are the kiss of death for athletes, but who knows maybe Jastin will be the couple to break the curse. One thing is for sure, Kristin won't get away with meandering around the Super Bowl in hopes of finding some dank drugs anymore. Sorry Kristin, better come fully stacked next year. That or may I suggest getting in good with pimp daddy Charlie Sheen. #winning.

Word to the Wise - Lockout is Over

I guess hell froze over because the NFL lockout is finally done. Now Ochocinco or Estaban or Chad Johnson or whatever his name is now can give up on his soccer career and come back to his mediocre team. Bill Belichick can bring back his old ways of spying on teams, since most eyes are now fixed on his blubbering quarterback not so much him and his sleeveless hoodies. Eric Mangini can continue his employment search in the NFL rather than begging for change. Rex Ryan can go back to eating small children, instead of focusing on feet. Hell Matt Dodge can try and one up his previous blunder and try kicking his now free agent contract somewhere away from DeSean Jackson. Nonetheless, we can all look forward to a great year of football yet to come, but to be honest I was never really worried about it.

"NFL players gained the advantage in their labor battle with owners Monday when a federal judge in Minnesota ordered the league-imposed lockout lifted.

The NFL indicated it wouldn’t immediately open its doors to players, though. The league said it would appeal the ruling of U.S. District Court Judge Susan Richard Nelson and ask Nelson to grant a stay of the preliminary injunction until the appellate court makes its decision."

Read more: http://www.kansascity.com/2011/04/25/2826500_federal-judge-orders-that-nfl.html?storylink=omni_popular#ixzz1Kbl3d5oL

What You Actually Learn in College

So there's this study that came to the conclusion that we all knew already. It found that undergrads literally learn nothing of importance their first two years of college. Due to fulfilling ridiculous and irrelevant requirements, students dont develop critical thinking, etc because they're doing the bare minimum of work for classes they care little about. Instead of doing a study, they should have just asked freshmen and sophomores if they were learning anything of value and they probably would have reached the same scientific conclusion.

So, now I bring you what we actually learned:

Top (almost) Ten Things That Miami Bros’s Girlfriends Learn the First Two Years of College (some you learn earlier, some seem to take a while):

1. If a drink doesn’t have an umbrella in it, it’s probably not for you
2. The organ your boyfriend uses to make decisions is not in his head, but it does have one
3. If you are drunk, we can tell. You are not that good at hiding it yet.
4. The really tall heels you wear up town are not good for walking home afterward; pack other shoes or a date for the walk back. (because we hate hearing you complain about walking in them more than you hate walking in them)
5. J Crew orders take a while to get here; just because you see 10 people wearing the same dress you just ordered doesn’t mean somebody took your mail (so calm down, we didnt notice anyway)
6. Pants are optional; you can get away with leggings until its warm enough for shorts (don't you just love the pantsless world we live in? i do)
7. There is a fine line between a tan, and no longer needing to check “Caucasian” on surveys
8. Yoga pants work.
9. Marrying a plastic surgeon (pre-med major) would have its benefits, but business majors may potentially make more money.

Top (almost) Ten Things Bros Learn the First Two Years:

1. Classes are optional
2. Showers are not optional (if you ever want to see the Victoria's Secrete logo your girlfriend is wearing)
3. How to wear spring colors without looking like… you came out of the Easter Bunny’s ass
4. 91.4% of the time, “Hooking up” usually only means making out; so when she offers, don’t get too excited
5. If the first three condoms don't work, it probably isn't the condoms
6. Being caught on “Girls in Yoga Pants” by your girl means you will be paying for a nice dinner
7. Being caught on “Girls in Yoga Pants” by a guy means you made a new friend
8. It doesn’t matter how big your Biceps and Pecs are, if your beer gut hangs over your waisband, you need to keep you shirt on (unless you're the token Chunk, then own that shit)
9. You should switch your major from pre-med to business if you want to keep your girlfriend

2011 MoB Draft

           Welcome to the Miami of Brohio 2011 draft. We saw a lot of talent out there but we narrowed it down to the elite. Miami of Brohio was the beginning. Now it's moved out of the basement, it's called Broject Mayhem. We have no idea what these space monkeys of interns will produce but they’re sitting on 400 gallons of nitroglycerin and we’re hoping they’ll run with it. We’re also hoping these oxford-cloth psychos don’t snap. (I watched Fight Club last night, can you tell?)  We now present to you our 2011 summer pledges interns. Have at 'em. 

Brogina George:

          In corner one we have Brogina George, a sup par academic who strictly relies on gypsy magic and dumb luck to succeed. Providing Brohio with the female perspective on the elite lifestyle that Miami students live. Brogina George is the queen bee or whatever is the equivalent of an alpha male. She wears heels bigger than your dick. 


Napoleon Bronaparte: 

          Joining Brogina is Napoleon Bronaparte, one of the wittiest bros we've ever met. This kid's quick and sharp and has a comeback ready before you've even insulted him, which you wouldn't do because you know he's better than you. An ego the size of Russia condensed into a single slice of wonderbread. 




From Myself and the other bros, welcome pledges, i mean, interns. 

T-shirt not included with internship. 

You're Killin' Me, Smalls! - Rain. Constant Rain.

          I Am Jack's Complete Lack of Surprise. It rained today. Again. It's supposed to rain again every day this week. 70% chance of precipitation. Every day. Awesome, right? I am unimpressed with Mother Nature. Man, she's a bitch this week. 

Word to the Wise - Bros Like These Sites. No, Really.

In the days here at college I've found that the little things go a long way. With the days filled with classes and countless bullshit to do, a few sites make everything a little bit easier.

https://chrome.google.com/webstore/detail/faminaibgiklngmfpfbhmokfmnglamcm

This first one isn't so much a website as it's just the website for a download, but the download itself is sick as hell. It's called "Panic Button", and what it does is, it installs a little red button in the top of your browser and if you click it, it hides all of your tabs instantly. So if you're on Facebook during class or watching a little NSFW material, it can all be hidden with a simple click of a button. * Only works if you use google chrome, I believe *

http://fratmusic.com/ or http://www.stereomood.com/

These two are essential for anyone with ears. They're both music players, kind of like Pandora, but amped up like some shit. Fratmusic is a site that has already made play lists for every aspect of the college weekend; Pregame play list, Broin play list, 420 play list and Rager play lists. It's legit. The second one, stereomood, is even cooler. It plays endless music based on your moods. You simply type what mood you;re in and it compile a play list to fit that mood. How fricken sweet is that?

http://soundcloud.com/ or http://www.datpiff.com/

These two are music sites as well but these you can download songs for free and its all legal. Here's why. Soundcloud is basically a site created by DJs for DJs. It's a site where users can upload music and playlists that they've created and allow you to download their work. There's some seriously good shit on here too. Now Datpiff is pretty cool, because it allows you to download mixtapes from famous artists for free. Mixtapes are legal to download free because they're released and promoted by those artists themselves, datpiff is simply a host site to find them all. Also, a great bonus, Miami University's own Julian Mavunga AKA J-Money's mixtape is also available for download. Click here for the link to the free download.

http://www.cramster.com/

Cramster is the least fun of all of these links but it's easily the most helpful. This site is simply a tutor for any subject for free. Everything from homework to textbook material, it's saved my ass a few times cramming for an exam.

http://www.collegehumor.com/

Collegehumor is probably the funniest and most directly aimed site towards college kids ever (duh look at its name). This site compiles the funniest videos and pictures from around the Internet along with sexy chicks and a few of their own material. This site is one of my all time favorite sites, how can you go wrong when nearly their entire staff are stand up comics.

Four Things You Want to Find on an Easter Egg Hunt

         The Easter egg hunt is one of my favorite ridiculous traditions that I've embraced as a Catholic. My mom hid eggs around our house every Easter until I left for college, even after my older brother went to college (more candy and money for me, bitch). I never complained about having to wake up early for church brunch as long as I got to spend the rest of the day casually coming upon eggs filled with candy and/or (preferably) money. Although half the fun was counting and comparing how many eggs my brother and I got, (Winner got bragging rights and half the other's take. Immature? I don't fucking care) I didn't mind searching solo. However, I've become a believer in the adult collegiate version of the Easter egg hunt. We've compiled a list of the four faithful things that we'd want to find on an Easter egg hunt on this holiest of holy days. Granted the things on this list won't exactly be hard to spot. 

The Classic, Painted Nattys:

So much variation. Such dedication. Devout Catholics without a doubt. 

The girls who painted these nattys could probably paint one impressive cooler too. 

Easter Themed Cooler:

Get those natty painting girls to slap on a few polka dots and this bitch is in full Easter mode.  

Take that shit one step further. Fuck looking for individual nattys, I want to find a pimped out pastel cooler stocked to the brim. Way better than an Easter basket. And yes, I used the term 'pimped out' for the sake of alliteration. Although this baby may or may not bring down the class level of your champagne brunch. 

Antique Porsche:

On any other day I'd rather have any other color but for Jesus, I'll suffer the baby blue. 

   I'm a sucker for antique cars. I've come to terms with the fact that I'm going to be one of those old guys who invests in three things: stock, cigars and old cars, not a bad lifestyle in my opinion. So I wouldn't mind finding this pastel beauty hidden around the yard. 

"Easter" Bunny:

We had to. (And she wouldn't look bad riding shotgun in that baby blue Porsche)

          In all seriousness, have a good Easter and try not to fall asleep in church. Also try to avoid looking like you came out of the Easter bunny's ass and keep the pastels to minimum. Now I'm going to eat an inappropriate number of Reese's eggs for how early in the morning it is. 

Sexiest College Mascot of the Week

This week's winner goes to "Cayenne" The Ragin' Cajun Pepper from the University of Louisiana at Lafayette.

We can go the obvious route with any "hot joke" but I'll save you the agony. Let's go with...if Zorro and a pepper had a baby, this "spicy" ( I did it anyway, sue me) mascot would be the result.

Call of the Week - College Basketball

I know it's not technically this week, but it's still one of the best things ever.

“OMG and that's not with a smileyface, that's with a dunk nasty face.”

Looking for a Summer Internship? We Got You

          Miami of Brohio is looking for interns to help write for us because although the Don has three contributors, they are either actually attending class or playing Fifa.  Even when they do produce a post or two for Brohio, it's still hard to keep up. We're only four people and we're looking to add a few to our team. Shoot us an email at miamiofbrohio@gmail.com and show us what you got. Write a rant, give us a word to the wise or just write us something to prove you can hang. We're looking for a couple people so email us, bros. 


P.S. you would never have to get me coffee so this already sounds so much better than every other internship right? 

Word to the Wise - Madden 12 Cover Vote

          Vote for Peyton Hillis. I'm not from Cleveland and I still hear shit about the Browns beating the Pats (last season, so calm down CLE kids) but I would still rather see Hillis on the cover than Vick. I support Vick's return to the game and it's great how well he did last season but we all know that Hillis deserves this. Do the right thing, bros. 

We Couldn't Have Said It Better - Rick Reilly, RE: NFL Lockout

          Rick Reilly has always been the Godfather of sports writing to me. I grew up reading the back page of Sports Illustrated for his whole ten year run. I generally view his word as truth but never more so than yesterday when I read his piece about the NFL lockout situation. Not only does his article feature guys that are extremely deserving of a "Bro to Know"/"Give That Bro a Beer" piece dedicated to them but his article just makes sense. If you're still rocking back and forth about the owners versus players debate (you shouldn't be, bro) but this will make up your mind. I guarantee it. Read his article on ESPN.com HERE

Gems - The Tragedy That is the New York Knicks

          The Knicks got beat by the Celtics/KG in the fourth quarter but the real tragedy is the next two videos. Regarding the awkward minute and 4 seconds that  is below, I had a "We Couldn't Have Said It Better" moment while reading the Bleacher Report piece about it: 

"....it seems like a lot of work to celebrate a team that choked in the fourth quarter and is likely to get bounced in the first round."

          Sounds about right. But without further ado, Swizz Beatz embarrasses himself, Amar'e Stoudemire and Carmelo Anthony in just over a minute. 

          This next video had the potential to be entertaining since it's that small weird kid that lip-syncs again and theres something about him that cracks me up (the insanely expressive eyebrows) but this still manages to be a dud. Fingers crossed that the Knicks find more ways to embarrass themselves and come up short in the remainder of round one. 

Only redeeming part is when the kid says "We are the New York Knicks" right at the beginning. Downhill from there.