What You Actually Learn in College

So there's this study that came to the conclusion that we all knew already. It found that undergrads literally learn nothing of importance their first two years of college. Due to fulfilling ridiculous and irrelevant requirements, students dont develop critical thinking, etc because they're doing the bare minimum of work for classes they care little about. Instead of doing a study, they should have just asked freshmen and sophomores if they were learning anything of value and they probably would have reached the same scientific conclusion.

So, now I bring you what we actually learned:

Top (almost) Ten Things That Miami Bros’s Girlfriends Learn the First Two Years of College (some you learn earlier, some seem to take a while):

1. If a drink doesn’t have an umbrella in it, it’s probably not for you
2. The organ your boyfriend uses to make decisions is not in his head, but it does have one
3. If you are drunk, we can tell. You are not that good at hiding it yet.
4. The really tall heels you wear up town are not good for walking home afterward; pack other shoes or a date for the walk back. (because we hate hearing you complain about walking in them more than you hate walking in them)
5. J Crew orders take a while to get here; just because you see 10 people wearing the same dress you just ordered doesn’t mean somebody took your mail (so calm down, we didnt notice anyway)
6. Pants are optional; you can get away with leggings until its warm enough for shorts (don't you just love the pantsless world we live in? i do)
7. There is a fine line between a tan, and no longer needing to check “Caucasian” on surveys
8. Yoga pants work.
9. Marrying a plastic surgeon (pre-med major) would have its benefits, but business majors may potentially make more money.

Top (almost) Ten Things Bros Learn the First Two Years:

1. Classes are optional
2. Showers are not optional (if you ever want to see the Victoria's Secrete logo your girlfriend is wearing)
3. How to wear spring colors without looking like… you came out of the Easter Bunny’s ass
4. 91.4% of the time, “Hooking up” usually only means making out; so when she offers, don’t get too excited
5. If the first three condoms don't work, it probably isn't the condoms
6. Being caught on “Girls in Yoga Pants” by your girl means you will be paying for a nice dinner
7. Being caught on “Girls in Yoga Pants” by a guy means you made a new friend
8. It doesn’t matter how big your Biceps and Pecs are, if your beer gut hangs over your waisband, you need to keep you shirt on (unless you're the token Chunk, then own that shit)
9. You should switch your major from pre-med to business if you want to keep your girlfriend