Gems - Best Email We've Gotten. Ever

The following is an actual email I got about my search for interns. Nothing has been changed or altered, except the removal of this bro's name to protect the possible future intern. 

"I'm a freshman, but I'd be an intern. I know I wouldn't be able to do anything really important, but I could do anything that you guys needed. I mean, if someone wanted starbucks, I'd go get it. If someone needs me to change a tire on a car, I'll do it. How about a back massage? I can do that too. You need some to do your laundry? I can do that shit like fucking Mary Poppings. And I'm certainly not a proud man. I don't mind doing the stupid shit that inevitably comes from being hazed as a freshman. Just think, I could be like a pledge all year. You want me to wear a green-man suit when I walk uptown to get shit for you? I'm game. Whatever.

I'm sure you're wondering why I would be willing to do idiotic stuff for no money. Well the answer is pretty simple: I'm a freshman. I don't have anything better to do. I go to class, eat and sit in the freshman dorms all day. I need something interesting to do on weekdays. I've been reading your tweets and your blog for the last few weeks, and there's some funny stuff in there. It seems like doing stupid shit for you guys would be better than sitting around. And what would I want in return? Nothing. I'd be willing to do stupid intern stuff just to have something to do. 

I'm sure there are other non-freshmen that would be willing to do stuff like that for free too, but I can guarantee I will do anything they will not. I won't refuse a task. Ever. Disclaimer: I can't be forced to miss classes and no sex shit, that's just fucked up. That's where I draw the line though. Anything else is fair game. Human foot rest? Performing for donations on the street to raise money? Running somewhere for no particular reason? I'm game. So think about it. "

I've already decided this kid is way too eager not to take advantage of, but I'm not sure exactly how to use him. So help me out, does this kid get a spot on the Broster?

You're Killin' Me Smalls - Freshmen

Dear Freshmen,

Hello and welcome to Oxford, OH, home of our illustrious Miami University. Over the next four to six years (victory lap, anyone?) you will quickly grow to love our sleepy town in which Natural Light flows like wine and the dimes flock like the salmon of Capistrano.

With that being said, as I am now a senior, I cannot help but reflect on my freshman year. Did I wear cargo shorts? Did I fumble and stumble awkwardly around older students? Did I ever look so painfully clueless? The answer to each of these is a resounding no … hence the reason I write for this fine establishment of bright minds, Miami of Brohio.

Triple-A Sect: Defined. 

Regardless, in that aforementioned moment of reflection, I thought of constructing a list for the budding bros and dimes of our fine university—to inspire, to guide, to mold. People and things can always be improved, so hopefully one of the following points will help you grow from a doe-eyed plebe to a stone cold bro.

1. Wardrobe items to immediately eliminate from your wardrobe: flip-flops; cargo shorts; graphic t-shirts; any apparel from the Triple-A sect (Abercrombie, American Eagle, Aeropostale); stupid necklaces; messenger bags; high school apparel.
2. As a note on the last item, a high school shirt is fine; your varsity letter jacket is not. You think anyone, especially that gorgeous brunette you’re currently slurring at, cares you were quarterback? I know I don’t.
3. This deserves a note in and of itself: take your lanyard and throw it in the trash. Or make a noose.
4. Do not travel 35 people deep uptown on a Thursday night. You will get yelled at and you will deserve it.
5. Oh, and regarding getting places: Miami Metro? Are you serious? Suck it up and walk. Bros love to walk—it gives us a chance to see our fellow bros, our ladyfriends, and to just generally peacock.
6. Do not come to my off-campus party. Unless one of my bros directly invited you, you are not welcome. I will kick you out.
7. If you hold cash out at a bar, I know two things: one, this is your first time with a wristband; two, you are an asshole. Learn how to order a drink properly, lest I take your money out of your hand.
8. Quantity over quality. Only a freshman would prefer a nice six pack to a stone cold 30 rack.
9. The doors of King Library close at 11:00 PM. Expect to hear many laughs as you somehow ignore this rule.
10. Until you rush and you pledge, you are still a GDI. Tone down the frattiness, alright?

Cheers,

Sandy Brofax

Last Friday Night - "...And Then I Won 25 Dollars" #CoolStoryBro

          College is about expanding horizons, learning and exploring and growing up. All things that can be observed taking place in various forms uptown on a Friday night. So now we pose a question not unlike questions asked in a Miami Plan class that makes you think critically, reflect and react. Who wants a $25 gift card to Brick? Fucking everybody? Ya, we thought so. Here's your chance to have money to blow on your champagne diet. Everyone has those pictures from "Last Friday Night" where you A) danced on table tops, B) kissed a girl and liked it, C) promised you were gonna stop. They somehow surface and you're either proud of your belligerence or you untag yourself so fast you might have broken the sound barrier, ladies, I'm looking at you. We've partnered with Brick Street to see who has the best pictures of Oxvegas after dark. Whatever the picture is of, if it's funny, (somewhat) appropriate and involves uptown antics of the bros and biddies of Miami, send it to us! You can email it to miamiofbrohio@gmail.com or tweet it to us at @miamiofbrohio with the hashtag #LastFridayNight or #LFN on Twitter. 

Gunz'n'roses 

          The modest geniuses of Brohio and the mastermind behind the social media of Brick Street will pick our favorite to be posted on Brick's Facebook page. (Local celebrities, whaaat.) But wait, theres fucking more. Next round, caption contest. Comment on the winning picture on Brick's Facebook page to submit your caption. Make us laugh the hardest and you get the 25 bucks/greenbacks/cheddar/lettuce/benjamins/dollars to spend at Brick. (I expect you to buy me a natty. Or a shot. I'm easy, spread that around) 

Definition of Composure. 

           So start sifting through your Facebook albums and the pictures on your phone that you don't remember taking and send us your best.....or worst. And if you're feeling ambitious you can tweet/email us your #TextsFromUptown too and see if your photos and texts make the blog. The more bros that send in pictures, the funnier this will be so find something to submit or you might never get one of the hallowed VIP cards from Will. Now get after that paper. 

This caption could be yours. But only if it's funny. Ready, set, go. 

Gems - The Broski's: Class of 2011

          Since Andy Miele got robbed at the Espy's (Whatever Jimmer, learn the names of your fellow nominees. Ya dick.) we've decided to have our own awards, The Broski's. These are the gems of all gems. Consider it the Best Of/Greatest Hits for the 2010-2011(school)  year. 

Trebek, introduce the categories:


Entertainment:


Best In Show: Top Gear, (British Version) If you haven't heard of this show, jump on the bandwagon real quick. Not only is the show about deeertay cars, it's hilarious and consistently the best hour of television you'll watch all week. It's not just old british guys talking about antique cars, they do crazy/hysterical driving challenges, test some the sickest cars and are some of the most intelligent and witty guys. The roster of past celebrities on the show is incredible, too. Off the top of my head they've had Mark Wahlberg, Usain Bolt, Sienna Miller, Eric Bana, etc, etc. Just the best show on television. Note: the American version sucks. Every other American attempt before the current one has sucked too. Don't be fooled by cheap imitations.


Best Comedy: The League. I cannot wait for the next season, especially if they use anything about the lockout. Should be gold. Just the best bunch of douche bags on tv. It's Always Sunny was a close second because who doesn't love those scumbags? The Office is an Honorable Mention because without Michael Scott, I'm not sure it can compete with its past self. 


Rookie of the Year: Wilfred. You can't watch more than one episode at a time because it's actually kind of depressing but the concept is hysterical and you don't actually hate Elijah Wood. Check it out on FX (or hulu, obviously) 


Honorable Mentions: Curb and Entourage, Louie, Always Sunny and Game of Thrones. 


Best Movie: The Fighter. Fuck Inception. Ok, well, I actually liked Inception but still. The Fighter wins it hands down. Honestly, Super 8 was close behind. If you didn't like Super 8 then fuck you. It was brilliant. The storyline wasn't groundbreaking, sure, but I fucking loved those kids. I wanted to be 12 and fucking around with my dad's car and filming mysterious shit with my best friends all summer, are you kidding me? Seriously, best group of kids in a movie since The Sandlot. But back to The Fighter. It was so.damn.good. The crazy mom was ridiculous and Mark Wahlberg was Mark fucking Wahlberg. Christian Bale was insanely good too. If you've seen interviews with the real Dicky, its mind-blowing how well Bale nailed the character.  Scary good. Plus, dont fuck with Bruce Wayne. Music in it was dece too. Still haven't seen Bridesmaids so, girls, get off my back. I get that it's hilarious and no doubt better than The Hangover 2, but I just haven't seen it yet, chill. Racking my brain for other recent movies and  I'm coming up with nothing so clearly there were no other gems in theaters. Don't come at me with weak transformers 3, planet of the apes, x-men whatever, or any other over-hyped blockbuster than was mediocre at best because it was made and marketed for 14 year old kids. (Sidenote: Matt Damons having an off year, huh. Hope he shows up to play in this Contagion flick, but doesn't look that promising) 


Sports:


Best Athlete Who Should've Won an ESPY but Got Shafted by a Mormon: Andy Miele, he was a shoe-in for this category. Jimmer had to stop going to class at BYU because of "mobs of students" just trying to get a glimpse of his gumpy mug but let's be honest here. His real name is James but his PARENTS gave him the nickname Jimmer. With genes like that there is no way he's got too much grey matter in that head of his. But whatever, Jimmer is a role model stoodent athaleet compared to Cam Newton, the kid who in his fucking Heisman speech said "my parents did a lot behind the scenes." Ya, Cam, we all fucking read about it for months, thanks for clarifying. Newton will get his show rocked every sunday and that's just fine with me. Alright, who the fuck else was nominated? The Cornell lax kid, Rob Pannell? Sticktap to Cornell lax for getting in there. It's hard out there for a rich, white guy playing college lacrosse. Seriously, ask the UVA and Duke players. And then there's Kemba Walker. But, I'm in Kemba's corner. I was just a big old superfan during march madness and I definitely bought the UCONN natty champions snapback. Honestly wouldn't have been that mad if Kemba won, but hey, he's got the NBA now and I'm sure Mufasa is proud of his son. 


Best Quote: Bart Scott easily wins this with his instant classic, "CAN'T WAIT." NASCAR's "Boys, have at it" comes in a close second though. This shouldn't have even been a category but it might be the most referenced sports related quote thats not from Caddyshack. (For those of you that want to challenge me and say The Sandlot of Miracle or whatever is referenced more, hear this. Someone quotes Caddyshack every fucking hole during every round of golf. Every time without fail. You know how many guys are golfing right now? Yeah, me neither, but it's a fucking lot. Retired fratstars hitting the links a couple times a week, athlete's in the off season, CEOs doing business over a leisurely 18. So yeah, Caddyshack) 


Best Reason to Watch Women's Sports: Team USA/Alex Morgan. Easy choice. UConn can take a back seat. Another thing that shouldn't be a category but no one's talked about a sports bra with such enthusiasm since the last time we all watched women's soccer. In all seriousness, Alex Morgan and Brandi Chastain should get commission or royalties or something every time a sports bra is sold. 


Best Joke Set-Up: Rex Ryan. Done. Tough call for second though, had to go with a tie. A&M not getting a bid from the SEC is just a playground for every bro with enough brains to tell a knock-knock joke but Djokovic's name makes it just as easy to bring home a punchline. 


Most Valuable Player: As a Boston homer I'm disgustingly biased towards the greatest sports city in the world, so take it easy if I'm heavy on the Beantown athletes. But some guys seriously earned their paychecks this year. Mike Vick's impressive turnaround was followed by Rory McIlroy with one of the best comebacks we've seen, Dustin Pedroia started being what Jeter used to be and Timmy fuggin Thawwwmas brought home Lord Stanley to title town. Robinson Cano isn't looking too bad either, guys so smooth. Verlander has teams contemplating forfeiting when they hear he's starting on the mound. Dirk had the worst celly in championship celebration history but the kid can hoop. Probably my favorite German besides every German brewer, ever. But still, he's up there. But as far as overall MVP, I'm gonna have to go with Scott Van Pelt. I don't fucking care that he's not playing sports, he can report your face off. Consistently the most entertaining guy on ESPN and if you don't follow him on twitter you are seriously missing some quality remarks that are 140 characters or less. And if you haven't seen the Fab Five movie from ESPN, check it out because A. it was fantastic and B. SVP was rocking hair back then. 


Around Miami:


Rookie of the Year:  Seaview Outfitters. These guys are legit. If you haven't been inside the new store uptown yet, get there and cop some outdoorsy shit. Not only do they have a legitimately interesting and authentic backstory, they clearly know what the fuck they're doing. The Farmer School of Business taught these grasshoppers well. They've got everything from Vineyard Vines to Columbia, North Face and Osprey plus their own shirts, which are dirty by the way. Everyone from fratstars to die-hard hikers/climbers/outdoorsy kids (whatever the term is) will eat it up. Seriously, check them out. 


Best in Show: Play on words, bitch. Get to Brick Street for some quality live shows. They've already announced two country shows, Chris Young and Justin Moore. So cowboy up, its gonna be a brodeo. They also announced a Taking Back Sunday show, which instantly transported me back to middle school. Love it. Aaand stay tuned for an announcement about a Brohio event.....


MVB: Most Valuable Bros on campus go to the football team who made fucking history. Not just Miami history, but NCAA history. Legendary. Bros better get out to Yager to scream their nuts off for these guys this year. 


Best Scenery: First floor of King Library. I can wait for classes and studying and everything but being at King is never that bad because the view is always so damn good. Get off your high horse and take a ride on the low road with me. You've people watched from the tables too, don't feel bad. King rarely fails to produce some talent so who wants to hit the books and get facey? 

You're Killin' Me Smalls - New King Cafe Employees

This is straight inaccurate. Always more crowded than this picture.
Take off the rose colored glasses, Miami website. 

          It's the second day of school and I'm assuming only day two for the new employees of King Cafe. If they've been working there for any longer than two days then they are incompetent as shit. The line is always brutal but now you have to factor in the new kid being like, "A bag of chips? So I just...scan it?"  Ya bro, scan it, swipe the card and keep the line moving. Of course, there's the King Cafe mom who is there to coach and guide the young grashoppers while they learn the complicated ins and outs of a cash register. She's basically their cheerleader, "You'll get it next time. You're doing great." No, he's not doing fucking great because he tried to swipe that girl's card backwards. Twice. It's not the machine. It's you. 
          Then there's the freshmen who act like they've never ordered at Starbucks before. The menu is literally in front of your face. Plus, you've had the entire time you've been in line to figure out what you want and dig your lanyard out of your backpack, so mix in a little efficiency next time, some of us are more important than you. And if you're one of the ones who orders a super fucking complicated coffee with an Italian name you can barely pronounce with two shots of this shit, shaken not stirred, wait until the employees have mastered the fundamentals before throwing a 400 level coffee order at them. By the way, wrote this on my phone while waiting in the line. All I wanted was a Gatorade. 

Gems - Best Catch of the All-Star Break

          The All-Star game hasn't even happened yet and without a doubt the best catch of the All-Star break has already happened. I'm not talking about the 20-something lanky kid tossing 11 year olds aside to snag hits that fell short of a home run. Some dude chilling pool-side at Chase made a fucking beautiful diving catch. Diving into the pool fully clothed, socks and all, makes the catch all while saving his beer. What a beauty. What a fucking GEM. 

Look Fresh With Release Clothing Co.

Summertime is the fucking best. It's that just that simple. But enjoying all of the outdoor activities is pretty difficult when your effing corneas are bleeding thanks to good old mister sun being on full blast. Plus let's be real here no one wants to be "that guy" who totally fucks up a really intense game of beach v with the bro's merely because there was a lack of proper eye wear. I hate that guy. So what's a bro to do? Buy some bitchen shades, obviously.

Luckily some brilliant gents from our very own Miami Ohio created a solution that ensures the highest quality without you spending all that hard earned lettuce (or in my case the rent money my parents so kindly sent me).

Release Clothing Co. is a Miami University of Ohio based company fucking blowing up the spot right out of Oxford, Ohio. So to get the low down on these glasses that will have you and your brosephs looking fresh to death I got my interview on.

I'm sure everyone is pretty curious to know a little about these Miami Ohio studs so here's some background info..

"The company was started by 3 Miami Students. This is something we have always wanted to do. The three of us have gone through many business ventures and learning what it really takes to make something amazing. This is one of the ventures that really started to grow quickly, so it kept us together even more. We will be seniors this year. We were all hanging out in grade school and the friendship stayed strong until now. We were born to do this kind of thing, and it took a lot of trial and error with other ideas between the three of us to finally find something like this."

Next I had to ask where they wizarded up the name Release Clothing Co. Mostly because it's pretty fucking cool.

"On the weekends we would always say that it's time to "Release our inner Beast," because of how hard the school week was with class. Releasing our inner beast turned into not something wild and crazy, but more of Releasing our inner selves that society sometimes forces to stay in, Releasing our inner most desires to do something great and change the world no matter who tries to stop us. So that is how we came up with Release. Release and let go, do what you want to do, do what you love, achieve anything."

Ya I've released my inner beast alright. But what makes these glasses special? What separates Release Clothing Co. from the competition?

"Besides the colors, and differing styles (which continue to grow by the week), we offer something special that some companies do not. When you buy a pair of Release Sunglasses, we actually develop a feeling of caring for you. You buy a pair, and you help us grow our business, so in turn we feel that we owe you a thank you. The thank you will come when we will randomly send you a pair of new shades if we haven't heard from you in a while. The thank you is our return policy, free shipping, and desire to make sure every single one of our customers sees life in a new, and better way. It's not about the sunglasses, it's about what they stand for. Seriously. And if they ever break, you can call us and we will pick up the phone (the owners of the company will pick up the phone) and make sure you get a new pair."
I've had boyfriends who pay less attention to me than this. Not only do I clearly need to buy a pair of these sunglasses, I also may want to reevaluate my life choices, shit. I can only imagine between partying and bullshit there would have to be something really important doing the motivating. So what was your motivation?

"Everyone loves sunglasses. Especially Miami kids. So we thought, what can we do to show everyone our vision of life? What can we do to inspire others and let people know that they should follow their dreams? Affordable sunglasses, that are durable and will last, with our logo on them. This is something we thought of that would allow us to really push our vision to all. People will wear our sunglasses and know they say RELEASE on the side of them. Release? Release yourself from anything in life that holds you back, take on your wildest dreams, let nothing stop you. Release is simply a reminder to do what you love. Sunglasses were the perfect product to let people see our 'vision.'"

Miami kids do love their sunglasses that's for damn sure. Sorry Ray Bans looks like there's a new boy in town and he just Released all over your overpriced ass. I have to know though, what's next? What's in store for the future of RCC?

"The sunglasses we have now are nothing compared to what's coming. That's all I gotta say. Of course we will always carry our original sunglasses, but the quality is about to take a jump for the better."

The good news is the sun never sets on a bad ass, so I'll be more than happy to spend my parents money on some fresh ass shades. But being the selfish bitch that I am I had to ask if I could snag a discount for the brahs at Brohio and myself (but mostly for me).

"Let me know which glasses you want and you can get them all half off!"

I think, I love you.

That's the ish so get on http://releasesunglasses.com/index.html and start checking out the goods. Not only are these sunglasses awesome they're also a perfect way to get the parentals to give into the purchase. "But mom/dad I just want to support a fellow Miami University student, I'm being loyal." Who the fuck is going to say no to that one? Plus, it’s true.

Make sure you stay connected for the latest updates and deals..

Twitter: http://twitter.com/#!/releaseclothing/
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/releaseclothing
Vimeo: http://vimeo.com/user6958678

I'll leave you with the life changing words of Corey Heart, “I wear my sunglasses at night.”

#TextsFromUptown - Weekend of the 24th

Our first round of #TFU's came in last night. Man, there were some beauties. Here are a few:

(Church): my mouth is pure liquor. haha. evil.

(Sycamore): same i jusrt got attackke by bambi.

(Church): what a dick! dude go below the belt be like how's your mom fucker??! he won't respond but that's because he will be devastated 

(Sycamore): that would be awful. totally uncalled for he just a CHILD. 

(High): get the fuck to skippers 

(Collins:) drinkitty drinkitty drank. all the way to the bank 

(High): at brick. can't understand why youre at the bank and not here 

(Poplar): found traffic cones. which block are we claiming? 

(These are just a few of the ones we got last night. Some (most) were beyond my ability to read. But keep sending your #TFU's and maybe you'll get on the blog! Thanks and channel your inner ke$ha and send some quality #TFU's tonight.) 

Bros To Know - Miami Hockey Incoming Freshmen

          Freshman! Freshman! Do something crazy! Liiiike getting picked in the first round of the NHL Draft? Yeah, that works. The Miami brotherhood has the largest incoming class that Blasi has ever brought in. Not only are they the biggest, but they may just be the most talented. Both Connor Murphy (@cmurphy5) and Tyler Biggs were both selected in the first round, 20th and 22nd respectively. Murph went to the Phoenix Coyotes (sound familiar?) and current Yotes 4th liner and Twitter Phenom Paul Bissonette (@biznasty2point0) has already promised him a fake ID, what a guy. Biggs went to the Toronto Maple Leafs, a typical pick for Brian Burke (if Burke drafts you, you're definitely a beast on the ice, ahem Justin Vaive), GM of the Leafs and father of Brendan Burke. The soon-to-be Redhawks weren't done after the first round though. Blake Coleman (@bcoles25) was drafted in the 3rd round, 75th overall, by the New Jersey Devils and Sean Kuraly (@kurals7), son of former Miami Redhawk hockey player Rick Kuraly was drafted in round 5, 133rd overall, to the San Jose Sharks. Either way, these are some fucking freshmen bros to know.  

Texts From Uptown - #TFU

[TFU]: 

         We've all done it. You're uptown at Pachinko's or New Bar or Brick for karaoke or 90's night and are a couple too many (not enough?) drinks in and your phone is suddenly in your hand and shit just happens. You text the right person, the wrong person, fucking every person in your contacts. Looking back the next morning can be painful or hilarious but either way your humiliation can be everyone else's entertainment. We'll obviously post our embarrassing Texts From Uptown but we want to hear from the rest of Oxford so submit your texts via twitter by mentioning @MiamiofBrohio and #TFU and/or #TextsFromUptown or shoot us an email at miamiofbrohio@gmail.com. We want to see the Texts From Uptown in all their misspelled, belligerent glory. 


         And without further ado, here are some of the gems me and the intern Brogina George have been tweeting about, not in conversational order. (No text was altered or grammatically fixed in any way.) 


Brogina George: So fucked hahaha i'm picking up quarters off brick street's floor for quarters for laundry (jesus christ, intern, we might pay you if you're that desperate. just kidding, we're not paying you.) 


Don Vito Broleone: haha getti g too drunk happens to the best of us. and by that i mean it happened to me tonight and im the best of us. (i know nothing but the truth.) 


DVB: blackout was three hours ago. im like supernova blackhole antimatter-out. (I have no explanation for why I got that nerdy while I was blackout. I guess im a pocket Einstein? Go with it.)


DVB: girls are hot messes. im a fucking natural disaster. (Like I said, I know nothing but the truth.) 


BG: hahahah word. fuck im about to make some sub par social decisions. fucking hormones christ....i might as well be a dude (Well, Brogina, you do write for Brohio so who knows. But easy, keep it in your pants. Jesus.) 

You Crazy Kids.

All the folks trapped here in glamorous Oxford for the summer recently had the pleasure of taking a glance into the future during good old Miami University of Ohio Alumni Weekend. And let me tell you something, besides having the ability to shit your pants and people finding it socially acceptable we don't have too much to look forward to. Alumni weekend is a great time to visit your old stomping grounds while reliving some amazing memories with your pals. It's also apparently a hall pass to act like a total fucking lunatic. Maybe it's the rush of getting driven around in those totally dope Miami golf carts during the scheduled MU activities during the day that makes miami alumnus lose their goddamn minds. Or maybe it's just that one eighth of a sugary alcoholic drink you and your buddies started nursing at 8PM interacting poorly with your shingles meds, I don't know I'm not a learn-ed doctor. What I do know is there's a better chance of seeing Prez-dawg Hodge stumbling down high street waving a bottle of Kamchatka over his head belting Alice Cooper's "School's Out" than catching a gentleman alumni escorting a young miss back to her house in Oxford for some late night wine and a bit of light jazz.

And as much as it pains me to admit this, I know it's not just the men creeping around Oxford once alumni weekend rolls around. Ladies, you're giving women all over the country a bad fucking name. You may have spent your money on some lipo, rock hard boobies, and giant twizzler lips (see: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Twizzlers%20lips&defid=3249486 for a definition if you need it Rainman) and just because you spend hours at the gym doing kickbox-yogallatis-class or whatever the fuck it's called to preserve what's left of your youth doesn't necessarily qualify you for the cougar of the year award. I've seen one too many fizzled out women wandering around uptown looking like a close relative of the fucking Crypt Keeper.

Yes, you may have been a keg crushing boss hog 24 year old fifth year back in '58 but now my friend you're a perfect candidate for the Denny's Over 50 part of the menu. It's also safe to say no one gives a shit if you were the hottest cheerleader back when Lyndon Johnson was president and we were still known as the big, bad (and slightly racist) RedSkins. The emotional sting of having that heavy truth unloaded on your ass must be similar to your most recent colonoscopy but it needed to be said. Regardless of how totally rad you were in college once you start developing liver spots it's time to put down the mind probe and retire nicknames like Beast, Worm, and Bulldog.

Don't get me wrong, I am well aware that I'll be wandering the streets of Oxford 40 years from now looking like a wax figurine version of myself, ripping Starry Night shots in Brick St., and attempting to pick up some young stud muffin just to prove "I still got it" but until then I'm recommending to college alumni worldwide slowly remove yourself from your college hang out and go slap on a cardigan because it's 5pm and although it's happy hour for all us twenty somethings, it's your supper time bitch.

Summer Playlist: Volume 3

This volume of #TheSummerOfGeorge Playlist is brought to you once again by Etch-A-Sketch


Kendrick Lamar- Hiiipower: Produced by J. Cole. Clever lyrics, quality song over all. 

Drake- Dreams Money Can Buy: You all love Drake already, I don't need to convince you. 

B.o.b.- NY NY: Another song about NYC? Yes, and it's good. And it's better than listening to every girl sing "Empire State of Mind." 

Big Sean- What Goes Around: If you don't already like Big Sean, where have you been living, under a stupid rock? (His verse on the All of the Lights remix didn't convince you?) then this song will definitely convert you. His album "Finally Famous" drops on June 28th. 

Mobb Deep- Survival of the Fittest: Throwback. 

Natty Champs - A Study in Winning

       

Countdown - Fourth of July

This belongs on a lax jersey.  

          The Fourth of July - everything good about America concentrated into one day, how fucking great is that? Who doesn't love spending the day out on the lake (or by/in a pool if you're rockin' the suburbs), grilling, bottomless coolers and fireworks? Every American citizen eats that shit up. I don't need to remind anyone how awesome the USA is (just ask these guys for a reminder). Whether you celebrate wearing jorts and a cutoff or seersucker and Sperrys, enjoy the greatest country on earth. 24 days, count it down. 

Go Hard In The Plank

Planking (verb):

Not to be confused with Plank (exercise).

The lying down game (also known as planking, or face downs) is an activity, popular in Asia and Australia, consisting of lying face down in an unusual or incongruous* location. The hands must touch the sides of the body, and having a photograph of the participant taken and posted on the Internet is an integral part of the game. Players compete to find the most unusual and original location in which to play. The location should also be as public as possible, and as many people as possible should be involved.

*I have no fucking idea what this word means.

Before I begin I'd like to thank Wikipedia for clarifying that planking isn't the same as the abdominal exercise referred to as a plank, and if there was a time span that exceeded a minute where you honestly thought I would take the time to write about an ab workout. Suck it. I would never voluntarily endorse exercise unless it has something to do with being heavily intoxicated, and even then I'd be hesitant.

I would love to tell you that planking is stupid and call everyone who even thinks about taking the time to set this up a douche bag, but I too am a planker and I’m proud. Besides looking like a neglected summertime peach all covered in bruises it’s fucking hysterical. It's all about the technique. The best planks require superb balance and a lot of free time. All that’s left is adding a cooky public backdrop and you've got yourself a game changer ladies and gentlemen.

With the economy still being in the shitter and a general lack of activities Oxford, OH the folks of 45056 are embracing planking as some good wholesome fun. At least until some drunk dick head tries to plank on those completely useless stone animals on High St. that half naked towny children crawl all over, takes a tumble Scarlet style, and causes a fucking scene. But until that day I whole heartedly give my support to the planking community. Plank hard and plank often motha fuckas.

It's not all fun and games though. This news crew encourages you not to plank from a seventh floor balcony because if you fall you will die..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tRHnTFesv7c&feature=player_embedded

As for planking thus far in Oxford here's a little visual snack to tide you over:

Just to get everyone in the planking spirit here's a link to pictures of some serious planking vets..

http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/9x9Hiy/www.geekosystem.com/best-planking-pictures/2/

(I'd also like to clarify on behalf of the Miami of Brohio crew we do not condone planking. So if you get injured while attempting to plank don't you go running around putting that evil on us, I'm not paying for shit.)

Word to the Wise - Pledge Allegiance to the New Era Flag

          Whether you're a Boston or a New York fan (Or neither, I heard the Tribe is surprisingly not embarrassing this year) you can enjoy the New Era Rivalry spots,  regardless. High caliber ads on the level of the E*Trade baby and the Dos Equis man (Not quite on par with Sports Center ads, but cmaan, nothing beats those). However, this series will have you pledging allegiance to the New Era flag. 

9 to 5 Grind

Worker. 

          There are worse things than having to get up at 7 AM to put on a suit and head to work. But when my alarm goes off, I can't think of them. However, my summer job is pretty sick. I am not confined to a cubicle, I don't have to deal with snotty kids and I don't have to scoop ice cream. I'm not mowing lawns or yelling at middle schoolers to stop running near the pool, I'm working for the big bad government and actually enjoying it. I already have a bit going with the Speaker of the House and I've effectively claimed the seat in the House gallery with the most leg room that happens to be right by the one open window. In one week I have achieved veteran status. I'm also the youngest person legitimately working at the state house (The pages don't count because they are literally seven years old) so I do have that going for me. I usually find myself in the cafeteria in the basement for lunch (Unless my boss decides to take me with his clients to lunch. So I usually find myself in the cafeteria) and I'm a novelty. The Senators' and Representatives' interns all work in their headquarters in their counties or districts so a college kid in the state house? "It's just swell to see a young person take an interest in their state." So that will usually get me a free lunch. It's no dream job (I wouldn't mind these offices) but I'm getting paper, if you will, and thank god I'm not doing it while wearing an orange vest and holding a stop/slow sign. 

Netflix: Friend or Foe? Answer: Frenemy.

The rumor-filled, totally false account of how  I
ruined my flawless reputation....for taste in movies.

          Netflix is a godsend. Who knows how I would spend my free time without it (Doing something productive? Definitely not). But it is also a frenemy (A term I learned from a movie I recently saw). I share the account with my family (So really only me and my brother use it) so they can see what I watch. Usually I wouldn't be embarrassed by what I watch instantly but my brother finds a way to insult every movie or show that pops up on the home screen. Sometimes I come back at him (Really? You watched another Matt Damon movie? The only way you could be gayer is if you were watching 90's Leo Dicaprio movies) but I can usually brush it off because I will not apologize for watching Top Gear, Dexter or Arrested Development. However, a recent event made me come to the conclusion that Netflix history is something not to be trifled with. I (semi) willingly admit I watched "Easy A".....by myself. If you've seen Emma Stone (or the other blonde chick that isn't Amanda Bynes), thanks for understanding. My brother was not so forgiving. He lit into me for watching a chick flick and wouldn't let it go for days. Every time the subject was brought up I wanted to shut him down with "Not now, Quiznos!" but since he hasn't seen "Easy A" he wouldn't get the reference. So here's the lesson to be learned from this. Either man up and take the heat regarding your Netflix usage or open your own account if you've got thin skin. Now I'm just biding my time, waiting for a brotha to slip up. 

Intern Abroad: Indy 500

          Our intern Brogina George was in attendance for the 100th anniversary of the Indianapolis 500 and was probably sober for about none of it. Wordplay aside, here's the first Intern Abroad (get it, she's a chick). Real pictures from the jungle that is the infield at the Indy5. These are real people, not shopped and better than peopleofwalmart.com. Some of the most beautiful (it's in the eye of the beholder, obviously) people in the world gather on the grass of the infield in their Sunday best (jorts, flannel cutoffs, American themed everything) to enjoy the truly majestic and historical event that is the legendary Indianapolis 500. You thought the Preakness infield looked like a good time? Kegasus has nothing on the greatest spectacle in racing drinking. 

Brogina was greeted with this as soon as she arrived. What a gorgeous view.

Is that a fucking cocoon? Yes. 

Redneck (b)Romance 

Let ya freak flag fly. 

The only hybrid you'll see at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway.
Leave your god damn Prius at home, hippie.