Trebek, introduce the categories:
Entertainment:
Best In Show: Top Gear, (British Version) If you haven't heard of this show, jump on the bandwagon real quick. Not only is the show about deeertay cars, it's hilarious and consistently the best hour of television you'll watch all week. It's not just old british guys talking about antique cars, they do crazy/hysterical driving challenges, test some the sickest cars and are some of the most intelligent and witty guys. The roster of past celebrities on the show is incredible, too. Off the top of my head they've had Mark Wahlberg, Usain Bolt, Sienna Miller, Eric Bana, etc, etc. Just the best show on television. Note: the American version sucks. Every other American attempt before the current one has sucked too. Don't be fooled by cheap imitations.
Best Comedy: The League. I cannot wait for the next season, especially if they use anything about the lockout. Should be gold. Just the best bunch of douche bags on tv. It's Always Sunny was a close second because who doesn't love those scumbags? The Office is an Honorable Mention because without Michael Scott, I'm not sure it can compete with its past self.
Rookie of the Year: Wilfred. You can't watch more than one episode at a time because it's actually kind of depressing but the concept is hysterical and you don't actually hate Elijah Wood. Check it out on FX (or hulu, obviously)
Honorable Mentions: Curb and Entourage, Louie, Always Sunny and Game of Thrones.
Best Movie: The Fighter. Fuck Inception. Ok, well, I actually liked Inception but still. The Fighter wins it hands down. Honestly, Super 8 was close behind. If you didn't like Super 8 then fuck you. It was brilliant. The storyline wasn't groundbreaking, sure, but I fucking loved those kids. I wanted to be 12 and fucking around with my dad's car and filming mysterious shit with my best friends all summer, are you kidding me? Seriously, best group of kids in a movie since The Sandlot. But back to The Fighter. It was so.damn.good. The crazy mom was ridiculous and Mark Wahlberg was Mark fucking Wahlberg. Christian Bale was insanely good too. If you've seen interviews with the real Dicky, its mind-blowing how well Bale nailed the character. Scary good. Plus, dont fuck with Bruce Wayne. Music in it was dece too. Still haven't seen Bridesmaids so, girls, get off my back. I get that it's hilarious and no doubt better than The Hangover 2, but I just haven't seen it yet, chill. Racking my brain for other recent movies and I'm coming up with nothing so clearly there were no other gems in theaters. Don't come at me with weak transformers 3, planet of the apes, x-men whatever, or any other over-hyped blockbuster than was mediocre at best because it was made and marketed for 14 year old kids. (Sidenote: Matt Damons having an off year, huh. Hope he shows up to play in this Contagion flick, but doesn't look that promising)
Sports:
Best Athlete Who Should've Won an ESPY but Got Shafted by a Mormon: Andy Miele, he was a shoe-in for this category. Jimmer had to stop going to class at BYU because of "mobs of students" just trying to get a glimpse of his gumpy mug but let's be honest here. His real name is James but his PARENTS gave him the nickname Jimmer. With genes like that there is no way he's got too much grey matter in that head of his. But whatever, Jimmer is a role model stoodent athaleet compared to Cam Newton, the kid who in his fucking Heisman speech said "my parents did a lot behind the scenes." Ya, Cam, we all fucking read about it for months, thanks for clarifying. Newton will get his show rocked every sunday and that's just fine with me. Alright, who the fuck else was nominated? The Cornell lax kid, Rob Pannell? Sticktap to Cornell lax for getting in there. It's hard out there for a rich, white guy playing college lacrosse. Seriously, ask the UVA and Duke players. And then there's Kemba Walker. But, I'm in Kemba's corner. I was just a big old superfan during march madness and I definitely bought the UCONN natty champions snapback. Honestly wouldn't have been that mad if Kemba won, but hey, he's got the NBA now and I'm sure Mufasa is proud of his son.
Best Quote: Bart Scott easily wins this with his instant classic, "CAN'T WAIT." NASCAR's "Boys, have at it" comes in a close second though. This shouldn't have even been a category but it might be the most referenced sports related quote thats not from Caddyshack. (For those of you that want to challenge me and say The Sandlot of Miracle or whatever is referenced more, hear this. Someone quotes Caddyshack every fucking hole during every round of golf. Every time without fail. You know how many guys are golfing right now? Yeah, me neither, but it's a fucking lot. Retired fratstars hitting the links a couple times a week, athlete's in the off season, CEOs doing business over a leisurely 18. So yeah, Caddyshack)
Best Reason to Watch Women's Sports: Team USA/Alex Morgan. Easy choice. UConn can take a back seat. Another thing that shouldn't be a category but no one's talked about a sports bra with such enthusiasm since the last time we all watched women's soccer. In all seriousness, Alex Morgan and Brandi Chastain should get commission or royalties or something every time a sports bra is sold.
Best Joke Set-Up: Rex Ryan. Done. Tough call for second though, had to go with a tie. A&M not getting a bid from the SEC is just a playground for every bro with enough brains to tell a knock-knock joke but Djokovic's name makes it just as easy to bring home a punchline.
Most Valuable Player: As a Boston homer I'm disgustingly biased towards the greatest sports city in the world, so take it easy if I'm heavy on the Beantown athletes. But some guys seriously earned their paychecks this year. Mike Vick's impressive turnaround was followed by Rory McIlroy with one of the best comebacks we've seen, Dustin Pedroia started being what Jeter used to be and Timmy fuggin Thawwwmas brought home Lord Stanley to title town. Robinson Cano isn't looking too bad either, guys so smooth. Verlander has teams contemplating forfeiting when they hear he's starting on the mound. Dirk had the worst celly in championship celebration history but the kid can hoop. Probably my favorite German besides every German brewer, ever. But still, he's up there. But as far as overall MVP, I'm gonna have to go with Scott Van Pelt. I don't fucking care that he's not playing sports, he can report your face off. Consistently the most entertaining guy on ESPN and if you don't follow him on twitter you are seriously missing some quality remarks that are 140 characters or less. And if you haven't seen the Fab Five movie from ESPN, check it out because A. it was fantastic and B. SVP was rocking hair back then.
Around Miami:
Rookie of the Year: Seaview Outfitters. These guys are legit. If you haven't been inside the new store uptown yet, get there and cop some outdoorsy shit. Not only do they have a legitimately interesting and authentic backstory, they clearly know what the fuck they're doing. The Farmer School of Business taught these grasshoppers well. They've got everything from Vineyard Vines to Columbia, North Face and Osprey plus their own shirts, which are dirty by the way. Everyone from fratstars to die-hard hikers/climbers/outdoorsy kids (whatever the term is) will eat it up. Seriously, check them out.
Best in Show: Play on words, bitch. Get to Brick Street for some quality live shows. They've already announced two country shows, Chris Young and Justin Moore. So cowboy up, its gonna be a brodeo. They also announced a Taking Back Sunday show, which instantly transported me back to middle school. Love it. Aaand stay tuned for an announcement about a Brohio event.....
MVB: Most Valuable Bros on campus go to the football team who made fucking history. Not just Miami history, but NCAA history. Legendary. Bros better get out to Yager to scream their nuts off for these guys this year.
Best Scenery: First floor of King Library. I can wait for classes and studying and everything but being at King is never that bad because the view is always so damn good. Get off your high horse and take a ride on the low road with me. You've people watched from the tables too, don't feel bad. King rarely fails to produce some talent so who wants to hit the books and get facey?
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