You're Killin' Me Smalls/Style: No Homo - The All-Nighter

          The all-nighter. The ultimate broner shrinker. Let's face it: academics, unwisely, have taken a backseat. You've spent your weeks previous punishing your body with one too many Naturals, Netflixing endlessly, texting that blonde smokeshow from that one class, and generally not giving a damn. In a drunken stupor, you check your iCal--big mistake--and see that glaring project, that inescapable midterm. You're toast.

          The all-nighter, much like drinking to excess and poor dining habits, is a collegiate classic. It is ingrained into our minds and our repertoire; we pout, we shout "Never again! I will not procrastinate!" but, like herpes, that shit always comes back.*

"Who says you can't do it all in one night?" Sounds like a challenge.

          As you head to King, you check your bag, stocked as if it's December 31, 1999. You have a can of Skoal, a pack of Camels, copious amounts of your favorite caffeinated sugar water, and a bloodstream so full of prescription stimulants that Charlie Sheen would blush. The big question, however, is how to dress for the occasion.

          I am positive many of you have heard the phrase "Dress well, test well" and, while the only thing you are testing is your ability to avoid Facebook and Twitter, you are nonetheless against greater odds. The thought of sleep. The painful hunger. The drowsiness. You need to be up to the challenge, and there is no better way to fight the good fight than a well-constructed outfit.

          Sure, there will be kids who argue for comfort. These kids are the ones to show up in ratty lax shorts, a three-day-old t-shirt, and a hat. My best advice? Avoid it. As I construct this, it is 6:45 AM and I have been awake for the greater part of a day and a half. I'm rocking loafers, chinos, and a button down. I am both confident and sound, complete with a certain attitude comparable to peacocking. The kid who showed up comfortably is drooling on his MacBook while I pound out problem sets and silly articles like this. I'm in for the kill with my eye in the sight and finger on the trigger.

          In essence, my advice is such: preparation is key and Lord knows a bro loves to dominate, hence the need to dress accordingly. Plus, if you get fucked, well, at least you looked good.


          -Sandy Brofax 

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*Sandy Brofax is STD free. Hey, ladies.




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Style: No Homo - Career Fair

          [Disclaimer: I, Don Vito Broleone, have been sitting on this post since he, Sandy Brofax, fucking wrote it on the Wednesday of career fair and am just now getting around to posting it. In the words of the illustrious Dwayne Michael Carter, sorry for the wait.]

          As I construct the following column, it is 7:30 PM on Wednesday evening. Today was our university’s illustrious Career Fair and, for some, the social event of the season. While I debated gracing those less-than-fortunate-to-be-employed souls with my presence, I figured already having an offer beat a boatload of free pens and acting as if I cared. Hey, I’m graduating.

            Regardless, this evening was spent dining with my father and sister at one of our uptown eateries. As we departed, I could not help but notice the overwhelming number of dudes dressed in what they considered to be their finest threads. A sartorial aficionado, it took every bit of willpower (again, I have little—I’m graduating) to not point and laugh.

            If you were one of the lucky enough souls to have somehow impressed a recruiter enough to score an interview, please heed the following pieces of advice as they may very well be the difference between a shitty studio apartment in Brooklyn versus a shitty studio apartment in your parents’ basement.

Know how to look like a partner at a law firm, not the fresh-out-of-law-school kid
who has two suits and no sense of how to impress. 

1. Black shoes, black belt. Brown shoes, brown belt. I subscribe to only wearing black shoes in weddings, funerals, or in our court systems, but if black is your only option, please get it right.
2. Gentlemen, Sperry Top Siders are wonderful. I wear them religiously even though 95% of my experiences on boats involve those of the motor variety and a keg or six. Sperry Top Siders are not, however, business professional. Bro shoes, yes, but bros also know how to seamlessly fit in.
3. Building off the previous point: shoes. If you own any shoes with a squared off toe, discard immediately; they are, without a doubt, the most heinous shit in menswear.
4. I love Vineyard Vines. I really do; they made my high school’s tie and I am damn near positive I am somehow related to Baby Beluga with the amount of product I own. With that being said, your critter gear is not professional. Again, bro status, but bros know when and where to wear.
5. The most classic shirt you can wear is either a white or blue oxford cloth shirt with either a spread/cutaway collar or a button down. If you wear a suit, opt for the former; a blazer and chinos, the latter. 
6. If you plan to dress up at any point in your life, I swear to God, get that shit tailored. Nothing will make you look more like a child wearing dad’s clothes than ill-fitting threads. Spend good money on a good tailor—it ain’t cheap.
7. For the love of God, polish your shoes.
8. You need to know two tie knots: the four-in-hand and the half-Windsor. These two knots will be the key to your existence.
9. When wearing a tie, do not unbutton the button securing your collar, lest you run the risk of looking as if you just finished swigging Olde English 800 in a bus station bathroom.
10. Your tie should hit the center of your belt buckle. Nothing more, nothing less.
11. Your pants should be tailored or worn to the point of a single break on the top of the shoe. This fit is comparable to the leg “touching” the shoe and the point is so that you do not look as if you are wearing MC Hammer pants.
12. Iron your shirt.
13. You want to differentiate and add a pocket square? Awesome. Make it crisp, clean, and white.
14. Wear a watch. Your iPhone is not an appropriate substitute.
15. Pleats are a no-no.
16. I am morally opposed to socks, yet they are undoubtedly necessary from time to time. With lighter shades, use navy, and use black with black. If I see you wearing athletic socks, well, I hope you’ve stretched ‘cause it’s time to take a lap.
17. You should know your neck size and arm length. You are a college student, so go ahead and abandon the S-M-L sizings for casual wear. Or for never.
18. Ties should be of a solid color, of a repp or regimental variety, or of a specifc club of which you are a member.
19. Your contrast collar shirt makes you look like you should be an extra in “Wall Street.” Do you really want that?
20. If all else fails, wear a lax pinnie—you’ll be good to bro. Er, go. Whatever, fuck it.

-Sandy Brofax

Style: No Homo - How to Deal with the Fucking Rain

Bros,

            As you read this article, it is either Monday or Tuesday; regardless, another wonderful weekend full of aggressive drinking and the occasional cracking of a textbook has turned into the first days of another sluggish week.

            This week has been made even more sluggish by the rain and wind prevalent around our lovely Oxford. While moseying to class today, I was repeatedly taken aback by the sheer number of bros sporting improper footwear on such a blustery day. We, as bros, are some of society’s finest specimens; we pride ourselves on our ability to excel in any situation while also being noticed.

            The one thing I noticed, however, was not over-the-top peacocking and all around awesomeness, yet soggy dogs—a lot of them. Bros and broettes walked past me in squishy Sperrys and turgid tennis shoes. Each situation is hardly ideal.

            With that being said, naturally, Sandy Brofax would make a good recommendation as to the perfect fall shoe … aaaaand, here I am! Your answer? The L.L. Bean Bean Boot Moccasin. An American classic, the Bean Boot Moc is appropriate for those cloudy fall days, that messy tailgate, that trip to CJ’s. A combination of a rubber bottom and leather upper, they give you the brilliance of boots with the appearance of sweet kicks. While bros primarily opt for the standard original Bean Boot, mocs are a good choice, especially in this fickle weather.

            So, retire the Sperrys for the sunny day; wear your tennis shoes when you get swole at the Rec. Bean Mocs ‘til death.

-Sandy Brofax 

If L.L.Bean is good enough for the MLB, it is good enough for you, bro.