You're Killin' Me Smalls/Style: No Homo - The All-Nighter

          The all-nighter. The ultimate broner shrinker. Let's face it: academics, unwisely, have taken a backseat. You've spent your weeks previous punishing your body with one too many Naturals, Netflixing endlessly, texting that blonde smokeshow from that one class, and generally not giving a damn. In a drunken stupor, you check your iCal--big mistake--and see that glaring project, that inescapable midterm. You're toast.

          The all-nighter, much like drinking to excess and poor dining habits, is a collegiate classic. It is ingrained into our minds and our repertoire; we pout, we shout "Never again! I will not procrastinate!" but, like herpes, that shit always comes back.*

"Who says you can't do it all in one night?" Sounds like a challenge.

          As you head to King, you check your bag, stocked as if it's December 31, 1999. You have a can of Skoal, a pack of Camels, copious amounts of your favorite caffeinated sugar water, and a bloodstream so full of prescription stimulants that Charlie Sheen would blush. The big question, however, is how to dress for the occasion.

          I am positive many of you have heard the phrase "Dress well, test well" and, while the only thing you are testing is your ability to avoid Facebook and Twitter, you are nonetheless against greater odds. The thought of sleep. The painful hunger. The drowsiness. You need to be up to the challenge, and there is no better way to fight the good fight than a well-constructed outfit.

          Sure, there will be kids who argue for comfort. These kids are the ones to show up in ratty lax shorts, a three-day-old t-shirt, and a hat. My best advice? Avoid it. As I construct this, it is 6:45 AM and I have been awake for the greater part of a day and a half. I'm rocking loafers, chinos, and a button down. I am both confident and sound, complete with a certain attitude comparable to peacocking. The kid who showed up comfortably is drooling on his MacBook while I pound out problem sets and silly articles like this. I'm in for the kill with my eye in the sight and finger on the trigger.

          In essence, my advice is such: preparation is key and Lord knows a bro loves to dominate, hence the need to dress accordingly. Plus, if you get fucked, well, at least you looked good.


          -Sandy Brofax 

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*Sandy Brofax is STD free. Hey, ladies.




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