The Art of Jersey Chasing

          With each new academic year, fresh jersey chasers (for you freshmen that don't know anything: sports groupies) come creeping out of their "modest" framework. With a diverse array of sports here at Miami there is a jersey for every lonely sorority girl out there, but for those new to this fast paced game here’s a look into the art of jersey chasing.

          There are three levels, just like any other sport here, varsity, club, and intramural. The “field” is any party or local bar, the "players" are the ladies (ironic, huh?), and the score is pretty self explanatory.

Kris Humphries, Brett Locker, Reggie Bush, etc.
kim's the captain of the Varsity team.

Varsity: These chicks are pros. They know the sport, jersey number, and frequented locations of the target. They know the hook-up is meaningless and just another notch on their hockey stick. No feelings=no problem. The team member in question has probably already heard of her and her past athletic conquests.  Unabashed flirting, excessive alcohol, perfectly placed compliments and “that’s SO impressive!” face and the score comes easier than the members of Lonely Island.  

Note: Varsity level takes serious practice, stretching, commitment, and being at least an 8 out of 10. Brohan and the rest of the Brohio staff cannot be held responsible for any injuries resulting in the pursuit of this status.

Club: For the jersey chasers that have a competitive edge but lack the full resources to go pro. These girls are usually 6-7s and attend the clubs games hoping to scope out possible hook-ups. They’re casual, flirty, and get wasted so they can shamelessly attack the club lacrosse players. Why does this work? Club sports players love getting recognition for their hard work on the field and in the sack, making them a fairly easy target to practice your skills on.

Intramural: Consider these lovely ladies the wildcard of the chaser breed. They can go for any level of athlete and their looks can range from 6s to solid dimes. What differentiates these girls is the fact that they will deny any jersey chasing motives till kingdom come. They are simply interested in “that type of guy” not what sport they play or how impressive their record is. Hence the "I don’t care what level I am I just want to play" mentality. They also don’t do any field research before the pounce. They catch a glimpse at a bar or party and immediately open the game with the “I had no idea you were on the team, that’s so cool tell me all about it; I don’t understand the rules at all” card.

          That pretty much covers the bases on the absurd new sport that is Jersey Chasing. Interested in going pro? Find a varsity level player, suck up for tips, and wear something low cut. Obviously attend as many sports events as possible and show your fucking support for the Redhawks. No matter whom you are or what your experience is you are only a hop skip and a jump from being a key player on Miami’s team of athlete hunting harlots. Well, if you are decently attractive that is.

          Good luck to the newbies and I’ll see you on the field.

-Lindsay Brohan