Insight into A PostGrad Gentleman’s Liquor Cabinet

           A familiar scenario: It’s Friday. You’re waking up between noon and one pm. If you’re doing things correctly, you skipped your Friday college curriculars or you scheduled so you don’t have them. Tonight you’re planning on doing a solid pregame with your bros and a couple of the sorosties from across the street. In the kitchen you have…

1) Natty’s. Standard. Expected. Actually, I’m surprised you still have some left over from last night.

2) Nothing else. You can’t quit while you’re ahead, because you’re already behind. Hell, you ate shit hopping the first hurdle.

         You wake up your housemates to go grab some McDoubles and then head to the liquor store. Here in lies the question: What should we buy? Here is a short guide of various alcoholic beverages (some you probably haven’t tried) for multifarious situations so you look more like a stud and less like a clown.

Be able to distinguish oneself from the crowds of mediocrity. 

-Beer. An essential in a collegiate household (or a normal one) at all times. Despite popular belief, light beer isn’t good or appropriate at all times. “Bro, I drink frat water like it’s my job”. I’m sure you do. We all do or did. Over time your beer taste buds will mature, like that awkward chick in 8^th grade who ended up being a mega babe senior year of high school.

            Natty: I don’t really need to explain this. Useful in most party situations. However, Natty is cheap and it tastes like it.

            Harp Lager: A pretty damn good beer. Heavier than light beers obviously. Start with this before you move to shittier brew.

            Sam Adams Summer Ale: Yeah, it’s essentially a ‘lemonade beer’, but it’s not too sugary. Citrus flavors but still has a beer taste. Have your woman grab a couple while she’s making you a ham sandwich and bring them out to the boat. (This is sexist, just kidding. Kind of.)

            Kentucky Bourbon Barrel Ale: This beer is aged in decanted bourbon barrels. It’s absolutely delicious. A complete frat beer. High alcohol at 8%. This is for special occasions and for sipping during football games, (college games in my preference). Bit expensive at around $12 for 4 bottles.

-Bourbons and Whiskey’s. I’ll reiterate from my last post: Rum is the less cool little brother of these two. A Captain and Coke is okay every once and a while I suppose. “Bro, I chug Admiral Nelson like I’m dehydrated”. Cool. Are you 17 in a basement party? I didn’t think so. BW’s (bourbon whiskeys) just have a more distinct flavor, and are definitely classier.

            Old Crow: Just kidding, get the fuck out of here with this crap.

            Jim Beam Red Stag: I was at first a little turned off by this considering Jim Beam decided to use Kid Rock as it’s ambassador (Bawitaba bourbon…?). However, it’s quite tasty. Black Cherry flavor infused, and it can be drank comfortably on the rocks. Bomb with Coke. Great pregaming ammo considering it’s only 80 proof.

            Wild Turkey American Honey: Another pseudo-bourbon whiskey. Pretty sweet, not as harsh as the aforementioned ‘Stag. Can be drank on the rocks, or mixed great with ginger ale or sprite. Nice change up from normal BW’s.

            Maker’s Mark: Probably my favorite Whisky (yes, spelling is correct in this case). Caramel-ish taste with a pretty damn smooth finish. All around good stuff, very reliable. A bit stronger at 90 proof. A staple in a distinguished fraternity man’s alcohol lineup. Pro Tip: Try Maker’s Mark 46: stronger than the basic and has a more potent lingering finish. Drank a big double of this on the rocks last week and it got me moderately loose.

            Knob Creek: This stuff is strong. Good, full-bodied, and strong. At 100 proof, fill a flask of this and you will feel it, Champ. If you’re feeling risky, give the Knob Creek Single Barrel Reserve a try. It’s a whopping 120 proof.

            Basil Hayden’s Bourbon: This is the real deal. Top shelf Bourbon for a top shelf kind of guy. This is definitely for special occasions, such as formal, or the tailgate against a rival school. It’ll set you back a bit more than most. “Overpriced”, some may cry. Yeah, maybe if you can’t tell it’s good. Or if you’re a biggity bitch. However, your lady friend’s father will be impressed this is part of your BW repertoire and that it’s on your shelf.

*(I left out some obvious ones, e.g. Jack. I know you’ve had Jack, Bro. Everyone and their high school sophomore little brother have had it. It’s not one of my favorites is all)

Scotch: “And hurry up. All I’ve had today is like, six gummy bears and some scotch.” –Archer; Also Ron Burgundy’s favorite.

Auchentoshan Single Malt Scotch: I don’t drink much Scotch yet, but my grandpa did, and he spoke of this. It’s pretty good, albeit pricey. Rob Roy anyone? You don’t know what that is, again? C’mon, man.

Johnnie Walker: more accessible and a respectable bottle.

Gin:

            Bombay Sapphire: Clean and tasty, considering I’m not a huge gin guy. Wide mix of flavors in one.

            Tanqueray: My mother likes this. She has good taste. Only had it once a while back.

*You need gin for a Tom Collins. You don’t know what a Tom Collins is? “You rack disciprine”. Go look it up.

Vodka: I don’t like vodka. But if I have to drink it, I’d prefer it to be top notch.

            Ciroc: Vodka I actually like. Somewhat expensive (~$40). Get this for your formal date. PS- It’s not Diddy’s vodka you noobs. He’s just the brand ambassador.

Tequila: It makes me vomit. Blacked out twice hardcore (I do NOT throw around the “blackout” term frequently and/or loosely) on it, and I’ve stayed away.

           

Take my advice, or don’t. You’d be smart if you did. If I come visit Brick and I see one of you dudes drinking a vodka cranberry, I’m going to pull a Farva and punchasize your face for free.

-The Brofessor