You're Killin' Me Smalls - Freshmen

Dear Freshmen,

Hello and welcome to Oxford, OH, home of our illustrious Miami University. Over the next four to six years (victory lap, anyone?) you will quickly grow to love our sleepy town in which Natural Light flows like wine and the dimes flock like the salmon of Capistrano.

With that being said, as I am now a senior, I cannot help but reflect on my freshman year. Did I wear cargo shorts? Did I fumble and stumble awkwardly around older students? Did I ever look so painfully clueless? The answer to each of these is a resounding no … hence the reason I write for this fine establishment of bright minds, Miami of Brohio.

Triple-A Sect: Defined. 

Regardless, in that aforementioned moment of reflection, I thought of constructing a list for the budding bros and dimes of our fine university—to inspire, to guide, to mold. People and things can always be improved, so hopefully one of the following points will help you grow from a doe-eyed plebe to a stone cold bro.

1. Wardrobe items to immediately eliminate from your wardrobe: flip-flops; cargo shorts; graphic t-shirts; any apparel from the Triple-A sect (Abercrombie, American Eagle, Aeropostale); stupid necklaces; messenger bags; high school apparel.
2. As a note on the last item, a high school shirt is fine; your varsity letter jacket is not. You think anyone, especially that gorgeous brunette you’re currently slurring at, cares you were quarterback? I know I don’t.
3. This deserves a note in and of itself: take your lanyard and throw it in the trash. Or make a noose.
4. Do not travel 35 people deep uptown on a Thursday night. You will get yelled at and you will deserve it.
5. Oh, and regarding getting places: Miami Metro? Are you serious? Suck it up and walk. Bros love to walk—it gives us a chance to see our fellow bros, our ladyfriends, and to just generally peacock.
6. Do not come to my off-campus party. Unless one of my bros directly invited you, you are not welcome. I will kick you out.
7. If you hold cash out at a bar, I know two things: one, this is your first time with a wristband; two, you are an asshole. Learn how to order a drink properly, lest I take your money out of your hand.
8. Quantity over quality. Only a freshman would prefer a nice six pack to a stone cold 30 rack.
9. The doors of King Library close at 11:00 PM. Expect to hear many laughs as you somehow ignore this rule.
10. Until you rush and you pledge, you are still a GDI. Tone down the frattiness, alright?

Cheers,

Sandy Brofax