Gems - Best Email We've Gotten. Ever

The following is an actual email I got about my search for interns. Nothing has been changed or altered, except the removal of this bro's name to protect the possible future intern. 

"I'm a freshman, but I'd be an intern. I know I wouldn't be able to do anything really important, but I could do anything that you guys needed. I mean, if someone wanted starbucks, I'd go get it. If someone needs me to change a tire on a car, I'll do it. How about a back massage? I can do that too. You need some to do your laundry? I can do that shit like fucking Mary Poppings. And I'm certainly not a proud man. I don't mind doing the stupid shit that inevitably comes from being hazed as a freshman. Just think, I could be like a pledge all year. You want me to wear a green-man suit when I walk uptown to get shit for you? I'm game. Whatever.

I'm sure you're wondering why I would be willing to do idiotic stuff for no money. Well the answer is pretty simple: I'm a freshman. I don't have anything better to do. I go to class, eat and sit in the freshman dorms all day. I need something interesting to do on weekdays. I've been reading your tweets and your blog for the last few weeks, and there's some funny stuff in there. It seems like doing stupid shit for you guys would be better than sitting around. And what would I want in return? Nothing. I'd be willing to do stupid intern stuff just to have something to do. 

I'm sure there are other non-freshmen that would be willing to do stuff like that for free too, but I can guarantee I will do anything they will not. I won't refuse a task. Ever. Disclaimer: I can't be forced to miss classes and no sex shit, that's just fucked up. That's where I draw the line though. Anything else is fair game. Human foot rest? Performing for donations on the street to raise money? Running somewhere for no particular reason? I'm game. So think about it. "

I've already decided this kid is way too eager not to take advantage of, but I'm not sure exactly how to use him. So help me out, does this kid get a spot on the Broster?