Syllabus Week With Brofessor PostGrad

My name is Brofessor PostGrad, and I’ve been where you are. I graduated this past May, and now I’m back to give you insight into the life of a Post Grad bro.

Sandy Brofax beat me to the punch, but only partially, and in a good way. He pretty much nailed the Freshman crash course post. I’m going to corroborate with his lesson in the evolution of Miami living. Mind you, the rest of my posts probably won’t be this long. This may sound a bit like a brochure. Yes, possibly, but a brochure you should keep with you like a freshman with a campus map.  So don’t even think about bitching, and enlighten yourselves. 

A few things I would add to Freshman year:

·   Rush. End of story. It was the best decision of my collegiate career.

-Lots of bros much like yourself.

-Ballin asset for networking. “Hey Jim, I noticed you were a __ __ __ , I’m one at Miami currently”

-Lot’s of sexy sorority chicks. Tons. Of. Babes.

-At Miami there’s an old adage: you are either Greek, Athlete, or Geek.

·   Try out for a club sport at Miami. It’ll make you just a bit cooler if you make it, Champ.

-another group of bros, stay fit without trying really, ladies love an athlete, (Jersey Chasers. Need I say more.)

·   Relationships coming into college: Don’t do it, Bud. I made that mistake. I missed out on a lot of bro time, parties, meeting new people.

“But I have guaranteed sex on the weekends, Dude”

Shut up, Rook. It’s not worth staying in a relationship that is slowing your climb up the Miami ladder. That may sound shallow, but you’ll see.

·   As queer as this sounds, get sick grades your freshman year. That’s your goddamn rock. Many of you may say “oh, I’m too frat to care”. Shut the fuck up. If your grades blow, you won’t be rushing anyways in January. Nobody likes a cocky Geed.

Sophomore Year:

·   Live in the Fraternity house. At the end of a drunken, sweaty Brick night, your lady friend isn’t going to want to walk back to a dorm. She wants to go to the Frat Castle. You’ll feel like a boss when you walk in with a smokeshow.

·   Make buddy buddy with the bartenders/doormen. You’re probably still under 21, which means you won’t be buying a lot of drinks at the bar otherwise. Along with this, try to talk to Will (owner of Brick, Will’s Pizza, etc) when you see him. He’s a cool dude, and when he’s working the bar he’ll hook you free/extra shots frequently.

·   “Oh no, what am I gonna do for beer if I’m not at the bar?” Pro Tip: Order from the Den. When we did, they wouldn’t card much of the time.

·   Go on spring break. Grab a bunch of your bros and a bunch of your female friends. We went to Panama City Beach, and it was a SHITSHOW. No need to worry about drinking age on the beach, so chill out.

·   Watch out if you are talking to or hooking up with more than one girl in a sorority. That’s a dangerous game, my bros. But hey, maybe you’re Kenny Loggins, and you’re on the highway to the danger zone.

Junior Year:

·   Live in a sweet house or apartment off campus. If you live in a dorm, that’s super geed. I had a house that was on Vine (which isn’t terrible) but we had a front and back yard which was clutch for when we threw down.

·   You’ll turn 21 this year probably. Congrats. If not, sucks to suck. Avoid being your younger friends’ alchy bitch (always running to Spirits or the Den). “Hey can you go grab me a couple cases?” Yeah, if I can hook up with your sister.

·   With that being said, familiarize yourself with the 21 and Up bars. Make these your kingdoms. “What were your favorites?”

1. Three Trees is the shit. That was my favorite spot. No stupid freshman, very chill atmosphere, cute servers, and they play the same music as they do at the other bars. Tini Tuesday: myriad of females, Martini’s are 5 bucks, (Order it in a whiskey glass. Save yourself some dignity fellas) bucket of beer $10
2. Skybox is a great place to get drunktaneous. It’s acceptable there.
3. Top Deck is a great place to escape Skybox to chill out at the tail end of the night.

·   Guys, you should be buying one of a few select drinks: Beer (tall natty draft), Whiskey and Coke (rum is for freshman), Vodka Redbull (only if you need a pick me up), Mind Probe or Trashcan/Recycle Bin. “I like cranberry vodkas.” NO. The only time you should order those is when they’re for the blond bomb hanging on your shoulder.

·   Go on another sick spring break.

·   For God sakes, do something boss over the summer. You’re gonna just lay out by the bay all day, all summer? Well that’s pretty cool…and lazy, you shit head. Get an internship and go Kenny Fucking Powers CEO on everyone’s ass.

Senior Year:

·   Go out 3-4 nights a week roughly first semester. Second semester, take a rest on Sunday night. Or Funday the fuck out of Sunday, and chill out Monday. “I can’t do that, that’s too much.” Sack the fuck up. It’s like telling a virgin: It’ll hurt at first, but then it gets awesome.

·   Day drink. A lot. Even in between classes. Before group meetings. Sometimes these get in the way of fun. You’ll receive these texts/emails: “Hey, sorry, we had to change the group meeting from 2 to 5:30.” Are you shitting me, you over-achieving… Just gotta give them the ole fuck you sometimes.

·   Sun’s out, guns out? Not quite. Sun’s out, pitchers of natty out. Skips, Brick.

·   Live in an even better house or apartment than last year. We had a house on Main Street a block from uptown. Clutch. Throw copious amounts of parties.

·   Go on a bunch of bar crawls. Blackout mandatory. Good stories will result. Try a ‘Bar Golf’ bar crawl; it adds an element of competition. “What’s bar golf?” I’m slightly disappointed. Go ask someone.

·   Start your job search early. It will make things easier later.

·   At this point in your Miami career, I think it’s acceptable to settle down with a serious girlfriend. You’ve played the college field, met a lot of different kinds of chicks, and you know what you’re looking for, for the most part. I did, and we’re still together.

·   Go on an awesome spring break. Drink Heavily. We went to Fort Meyers, and the percentage of the time I was sober would lead you to believe I should attend AA.

·   Go out during your finals week. “I have exams.” No shit, Chief. But you wouldn’t have to worry about those if you already had a job on lock.

·   “What about graduation day? Isn’t that like, depressing?” Get frat drunk on graduation day. Everyone does. Even the Grandparents.

Yes, that was my bit of advice for all years. I’m sure I missed some stuff. It was getting long regardless.

Brofessor PostGrad