Gems - Best Email We've Gotten. Ever

The following is an actual email I got about my search for interns. Nothing has been changed or altered, except the removal of this bro's name to protect the possible future intern. 

"I'm a freshman, but I'd be an intern. I know I wouldn't be able to do anything really important, but I could do anything that you guys needed. I mean, if someone wanted starbucks, I'd go get it. If someone needs me to change a tire on a car, I'll do it. How about a back massage? I can do that too. You need some to do your laundry? I can do that shit like fucking Mary Poppings. And I'm certainly not a proud man. I don't mind doing the stupid shit that inevitably comes from being hazed as a freshman. Just think, I could be like a pledge all year. You want me to wear a green-man suit when I walk uptown to get shit for you? I'm game. Whatever.

I'm sure you're wondering why I would be willing to do idiotic stuff for no money. Well the answer is pretty simple: I'm a freshman. I don't have anything better to do. I go to class, eat and sit in the freshman dorms all day. I need something interesting to do on weekdays. I've been reading your tweets and your blog for the last few weeks, and there's some funny stuff in there. It seems like doing stupid shit for you guys would be better than sitting around. And what would I want in return? Nothing. I'd be willing to do stupid intern stuff just to have something to do. 

I'm sure there are other non-freshmen that would be willing to do stuff like that for free too, but I can guarantee I will do anything they will not. I won't refuse a task. Ever. Disclaimer: I can't be forced to miss classes and no sex shit, that's just fucked up. That's where I draw the line though. Anything else is fair game. Human foot rest? Performing for donations on the street to raise money? Running somewhere for no particular reason? I'm game. So think about it. "

I've already decided this kid is way too eager not to take advantage of, but I'm not sure exactly how to use him. So help me out, does this kid get a spot on the Broster?

You're Killin' Me Smalls - Freshmen

Dear Freshmen,

Hello and welcome to Oxford, OH, home of our illustrious Miami University. Over the next four to six years (victory lap, anyone?) you will quickly grow to love our sleepy town in which Natural Light flows like wine and the dimes flock like the salmon of Capistrano.

With that being said, as I am now a senior, I cannot help but reflect on my freshman year. Did I wear cargo shorts? Did I fumble and stumble awkwardly around older students? Did I ever look so painfully clueless? The answer to each of these is a resounding no … hence the reason I write for this fine establishment of bright minds, Miami of Brohio.

Triple-A Sect: Defined. 

Regardless, in that aforementioned moment of reflection, I thought of constructing a list for the budding bros and dimes of our fine university—to inspire, to guide, to mold. People and things can always be improved, so hopefully one of the following points will help you grow from a doe-eyed plebe to a stone cold bro.

1. Wardrobe items to immediately eliminate from your wardrobe: flip-flops; cargo shorts; graphic t-shirts; any apparel from the Triple-A sect (Abercrombie, American Eagle, Aeropostale); stupid necklaces; messenger bags; high school apparel.
2. As a note on the last item, a high school shirt is fine; your varsity letter jacket is not. You think anyone, especially that gorgeous brunette you’re currently slurring at, cares you were quarterback? I know I don’t.
3. This deserves a note in and of itself: take your lanyard and throw it in the trash. Or make a noose.
4. Do not travel 35 people deep uptown on a Thursday night. You will get yelled at and you will deserve it.
5. Oh, and regarding getting places: Miami Metro? Are you serious? Suck it up and walk. Bros love to walk—it gives us a chance to see our fellow bros, our ladyfriends, and to just generally peacock.
6. Do not come to my off-campus party. Unless one of my bros directly invited you, you are not welcome. I will kick you out.
7. If you hold cash out at a bar, I know two things: one, this is your first time with a wristband; two, you are an asshole. Learn how to order a drink properly, lest I take your money out of your hand.
8. Quantity over quality. Only a freshman would prefer a nice six pack to a stone cold 30 rack.
9. The doors of King Library close at 11:00 PM. Expect to hear many laughs as you somehow ignore this rule.
10. Until you rush and you pledge, you are still a GDI. Tone down the frattiness, alright?

Cheers,

Sandy Brofax

Last Friday Night - "...And Then I Won 25 Dollars" #CoolStoryBro

          College is about expanding horizons, learning and exploring and growing up. All things that can be observed taking place in various forms uptown on a Friday night. So now we pose a question not unlike questions asked in a Miami Plan class that makes you think critically, reflect and react. Who wants a $25 gift card to Brick? Fucking everybody? Ya, we thought so. Here's your chance to have money to blow on your champagne diet. Everyone has those pictures from "Last Friday Night" where you A) danced on table tops, B) kissed a girl and liked it, C) promised you were gonna stop. They somehow surface and you're either proud of your belligerence or you untag yourself so fast you might have broken the sound barrier, ladies, I'm looking at you. We've partnered with Brick Street to see who has the best pictures of Oxvegas after dark. Whatever the picture is of, if it's funny, (somewhat) appropriate and involves uptown antics of the bros and biddies of Miami, send it to us! You can email it to miamiofbrohio@gmail.com or tweet it to us at @miamiofbrohio with the hashtag #LastFridayNight or #LFN on Twitter. 

Gunz'n'roses 

          The modest geniuses of Brohio and the mastermind behind the social media of Brick Street will pick our favorite to be posted on Brick's Facebook page. (Local celebrities, whaaat.) But wait, theres fucking more. Next round, caption contest. Comment on the winning picture on Brick's Facebook page to submit your caption. Make us laugh the hardest and you get the 25 bucks/greenbacks/cheddar/lettuce/benjamins/dollars to spend at Brick. (I expect you to buy me a natty. Or a shot. I'm easy, spread that around) 

Definition of Composure. 

           So start sifting through your Facebook albums and the pictures on your phone that you don't remember taking and send us your best.....or worst. And if you're feeling ambitious you can tweet/email us your #TextsFromUptown too and see if your photos and texts make the blog. The more bros that send in pictures, the funnier this will be so find something to submit or you might never get one of the hallowed VIP cards from Will. Now get after that paper. 

This caption could be yours. But only if it's funny. Ready, set, go. 

Gems - The Broski's: Class of 2011

          Since Andy Miele got robbed at the Espy's (Whatever Jimmer, learn the names of your fellow nominees. Ya dick.) we've decided to have our own awards, The Broski's. These are the gems of all gems. Consider it the Best Of/Greatest Hits for the 2010-2011(school)  year. 

Trebek, introduce the categories:


Entertainment:


Best In Show: Top Gear, (British Version) If you haven't heard of this show, jump on the bandwagon real quick. Not only is the show about deeertay cars, it's hilarious and consistently the best hour of television you'll watch all week. It's not just old british guys talking about antique cars, they do crazy/hysterical driving challenges, test some the sickest cars and are some of the most intelligent and witty guys. The roster of past celebrities on the show is incredible, too. Off the top of my head they've had Mark Wahlberg, Usain Bolt, Sienna Miller, Eric Bana, etc, etc. Just the best show on television. Note: the American version sucks. Every other American attempt before the current one has sucked too. Don't be fooled by cheap imitations.


Best Comedy: The League. I cannot wait for the next season, especially if they use anything about the lockout. Should be gold. Just the best bunch of douche bags on tv. It's Always Sunny was a close second because who doesn't love those scumbags? The Office is an Honorable Mention because without Michael Scott, I'm not sure it can compete with its past self. 


Rookie of the Year: Wilfred. You can't watch more than one episode at a time because it's actually kind of depressing but the concept is hysterical and you don't actually hate Elijah Wood. Check it out on FX (or hulu, obviously) 


Honorable Mentions: Curb and Entourage, Louie, Always Sunny and Game of Thrones. 


Best Movie: The Fighter. Fuck Inception. Ok, well, I actually liked Inception but still. The Fighter wins it hands down. Honestly, Super 8 was close behind. If you didn't like Super 8 then fuck you. It was brilliant. The storyline wasn't groundbreaking, sure, but I fucking loved those kids. I wanted to be 12 and fucking around with my dad's car and filming mysterious shit with my best friends all summer, are you kidding me? Seriously, best group of kids in a movie since The Sandlot. But back to The Fighter. It was so.damn.good. The crazy mom was ridiculous and Mark Wahlberg was Mark fucking Wahlberg. Christian Bale was insanely good too. If you've seen interviews with the real Dicky, its mind-blowing how well Bale nailed the character.  Scary good. Plus, dont fuck with Bruce Wayne. Music in it was dece too. Still haven't seen Bridesmaids so, girls, get off my back. I get that it's hilarious and no doubt better than The Hangover 2, but I just haven't seen it yet, chill. Racking my brain for other recent movies and  I'm coming up with nothing so clearly there were no other gems in theaters. Don't come at me with weak transformers 3, planet of the apes, x-men whatever, or any other over-hyped blockbuster than was mediocre at best because it was made and marketed for 14 year old kids. (Sidenote: Matt Damons having an off year, huh. Hope he shows up to play in this Contagion flick, but doesn't look that promising) 


Sports:


Best Athlete Who Should've Won an ESPY but Got Shafted by a Mormon: Andy Miele, he was a shoe-in for this category. Jimmer had to stop going to class at BYU because of "mobs of students" just trying to get a glimpse of his gumpy mug but let's be honest here. His real name is James but his PARENTS gave him the nickname Jimmer. With genes like that there is no way he's got too much grey matter in that head of his. But whatever, Jimmer is a role model stoodent athaleet compared to Cam Newton, the kid who in his fucking Heisman speech said "my parents did a lot behind the scenes." Ya, Cam, we all fucking read about it for months, thanks for clarifying. Newton will get his show rocked every sunday and that's just fine with me. Alright, who the fuck else was nominated? The Cornell lax kid, Rob Pannell? Sticktap to Cornell lax for getting in there. It's hard out there for a rich, white guy playing college lacrosse. Seriously, ask the UVA and Duke players. And then there's Kemba Walker. But, I'm in Kemba's corner. I was just a big old superfan during march madness and I definitely bought the UCONN natty champions snapback. Honestly wouldn't have been that mad if Kemba won, but hey, he's got the NBA now and I'm sure Mufasa is proud of his son. 


Best Quote: Bart Scott easily wins this with his instant classic, "CAN'T WAIT." NASCAR's "Boys, have at it" comes in a close second though. This shouldn't have even been a category but it might be the most referenced sports related quote thats not from Caddyshack. (For those of you that want to challenge me and say The Sandlot of Miracle or whatever is referenced more, hear this. Someone quotes Caddyshack every fucking hole during every round of golf. Every time without fail. You know how many guys are golfing right now? Yeah, me neither, but it's a fucking lot. Retired fratstars hitting the links a couple times a week, athlete's in the off season, CEOs doing business over a leisurely 18. So yeah, Caddyshack) 


Best Reason to Watch Women's Sports: Team USA/Alex Morgan. Easy choice. UConn can take a back seat. Another thing that shouldn't be a category but no one's talked about a sports bra with such enthusiasm since the last time we all watched women's soccer. In all seriousness, Alex Morgan and Brandi Chastain should get commission or royalties or something every time a sports bra is sold. 


Best Joke Set-Up: Rex Ryan. Done. Tough call for second though, had to go with a tie. A&M not getting a bid from the SEC is just a playground for every bro with enough brains to tell a knock-knock joke but Djokovic's name makes it just as easy to bring home a punchline. 


Most Valuable Player: As a Boston homer I'm disgustingly biased towards the greatest sports city in the world, so take it easy if I'm heavy on the Beantown athletes. But some guys seriously earned their paychecks this year. Mike Vick's impressive turnaround was followed by Rory McIlroy with one of the best comebacks we've seen, Dustin Pedroia started being what Jeter used to be and Timmy fuggin Thawwwmas brought home Lord Stanley to title town. Robinson Cano isn't looking too bad either, guys so smooth. Verlander has teams contemplating forfeiting when they hear he's starting on the mound. Dirk had the worst celly in championship celebration history but the kid can hoop. Probably my favorite German besides every German brewer, ever. But still, he's up there. But as far as overall MVP, I'm gonna have to go with Scott Van Pelt. I don't fucking care that he's not playing sports, he can report your face off. Consistently the most entertaining guy on ESPN and if you don't follow him on twitter you are seriously missing some quality remarks that are 140 characters or less. And if you haven't seen the Fab Five movie from ESPN, check it out because A. it was fantastic and B. SVP was rocking hair back then. 


Around Miami:


Rookie of the Year:  Seaview Outfitters. These guys are legit. If you haven't been inside the new store uptown yet, get there and cop some outdoorsy shit. Not only do they have a legitimately interesting and authentic backstory, they clearly know what the fuck they're doing. The Farmer School of Business taught these grasshoppers well. They've got everything from Vineyard Vines to Columbia, North Face and Osprey plus their own shirts, which are dirty by the way. Everyone from fratstars to die-hard hikers/climbers/outdoorsy kids (whatever the term is) will eat it up. Seriously, check them out. 


Best in Show: Play on words, bitch. Get to Brick Street for some quality live shows. They've already announced two country shows, Chris Young and Justin Moore. So cowboy up, its gonna be a brodeo. They also announced a Taking Back Sunday show, which instantly transported me back to middle school. Love it. Aaand stay tuned for an announcement about a Brohio event.....


MVB: Most Valuable Bros on campus go to the football team who made fucking history. Not just Miami history, but NCAA history. Legendary. Bros better get out to Yager to scream their nuts off for these guys this year. 


Best Scenery: First floor of King Library. I can wait for classes and studying and everything but being at King is never that bad because the view is always so damn good. Get off your high horse and take a ride on the low road with me. You've people watched from the tables too, don't feel bad. King rarely fails to produce some talent so who wants to hit the books and get facey? 

You're Killin' Me Smalls - New King Cafe Employees

This is straight inaccurate. Always more crowded than this picture.
Take off the rose colored glasses, Miami website. 

          It's the second day of school and I'm assuming only day two for the new employees of King Cafe. If they've been working there for any longer than two days then they are incompetent as shit. The line is always brutal but now you have to factor in the new kid being like, "A bag of chips? So I just...scan it?"  Ya bro, scan it, swipe the card and keep the line moving. Of course, there's the King Cafe mom who is there to coach and guide the young grashoppers while they learn the complicated ins and outs of a cash register. She's basically their cheerleader, "You'll get it next time. You're doing great." No, he's not doing fucking great because he tried to swipe that girl's card backwards. Twice. It's not the machine. It's you. 
          Then there's the freshmen who act like they've never ordered at Starbucks before. The menu is literally in front of your face. Plus, you've had the entire time you've been in line to figure out what you want and dig your lanyard out of your backpack, so mix in a little efficiency next time, some of us are more important than you. And if you're one of the ones who orders a super fucking complicated coffee with an Italian name you can barely pronounce with two shots of this shit, shaken not stirred, wait until the employees have mastered the fundamentals before throwing a 400 level coffee order at them. By the way, wrote this on my phone while waiting in the line. All I wanted was a Gatorade.