An Open Letter to Ronnie Baker

          (All you need to know is this is his business card and the back had a lovely HANDWRITTEN note: “From your 2012 Valentine”)

          Dearest Ronnie,


          I'm sure you don’t remember me, but I would like to extend my thanks for what could be the greatest gem I acquired second semester last year. While cleaning out the handbags I regularly black out with I found the beauty that is your business card. The details are quite hazy, but I remember you ever so sweetly handing these out to me and my friends at a certain fraternity house. I understand you were not a member of said house, in fact, you were a GDI looking to party and get dome. Until this moment I am not entirely sure you meant this as a joke, since honestly you seemed like a raging tool.

         That being said, I have some things I’d like to clear up. While I love the Anchorman quote, this shit has to actually work every time right?! My friend was more than happy to casually make out with you on the sole basis you had this fucking card. If she hadn't stepped up I would’ve given you some groping privileges just for the effort. How much did you pay for these? Are the girls that go for this straight 10s? You have to have been kicked out of numerous frats for going in and taking their slams, right? Questions will become answers.

        Make no mistake, I commend the fuck out of you and your ample balls. I mean look at this fucking thing, a pug over your junk is absolute gold. Using your real face on a chiseled piece of man meat? You, Ronnie Baker, are in-fucking-deed a gentleman and a scholar. Let us not forget to mention the fact that you were clearly there to strictly pick up girls, this was made more than obvious when you decided to BYOB, which if I remember correctly was a half consumed case of warm keystone. 


          Am I wrong in assuming this kid is going knuckles deep in poon every weekend?! Am I the only girl that would drunkenly think this kid is the next Ryan Reynolds for using a ploy like this? Its bloody brilliant and GDItastic. Don’t have a frat to get you chicks? Crash parties, throw a pug over man junk and superimpose your face onto a Chippendale’s stripper (and bring your own lukewarm crushed case of stones). Sure it may not get him his first choice in a hook up. Hell, maybe it gets his absolute last choice and the girl is barely a 6, but cumming in last is better than not at all.

          If you aren’t adding this kid on facebook and putting him in your phone to drunk dial 4 nights a week begging for dick then this post isn’t doing what I intended––getting Ronnie Baker the attention and love that he rightly deserves. 


         You deserve 72 virgins and a gold star for shamelessly rolling into frats you aren’t a part of and handing out this pussy hooking card with what I believe to be your real name, number, and facebook. You even took the time to handwrite notes on the back for fucks sake! I have no idea how old you are, but I’m praying for the sake of every drunk, lonely girl on campus you have yet to graduate. Keep on Keeping on Ronnie.

         Love,

         Lindsay Brohan

p.s. The pug and handwritten note were just the right amount of input before hitting the trying too hard threshold. Kudos.

p.p.s. the fact that your facebook tag truly is “yourpops” is not only admirable, but so fittingly douchey.