Bro vs. Ho: Going Up Town

The Ho Perspective:

Going uptown for any girl, whether she be a freshman rookie or a senior veteran, is pretty much voluntarily stepping foot inside a war zone. In addition to wearing slutty little dresses (don't even get me started on the amount of technique necessary to shove your ass into one of those) and heels the female population of Oxford should be strapping on flak jackets and army boots. It's like the very second a beer touches a guys hand they lose their goddamn minds. News flash boys, no one gives a fuck that you can do the Bernie.

Just this weekend I witnessed a guy climb his way over a railing and tumble onto a landing that was a flight of stairs away, twice. Luckily the dickhead was able to ace the landing both times by using his fucking face to break his fall. Way to go Hulk fucking Hogan. I mean, I'll admit it drunken females are no treat a solid 97% of the time but at least we aren't slugging our best friends because he said our fitted looked like shit.

Now don't get me wrong without the men of Miami the uptown scene would be nothing less than a giant clam bake (holy shit was that vulgar my apologies), I'm well aware. I'm merely stating that bros uptown are like puppies on steroids. They'll piss wherever, they don't listen to a damn thing you say, and at the end of the night all they want to do is crawl into bed with you.

P.S.

Yes, we're using you for drinks and no we don't feel bad about it.

--Brogina George

The Bro Perspective:

Going Uptown is one of the favorite pass times of Miami Bro and many of the other students that attend Miami as well. Uptown has become the nostalgic place where many of us had some of our first drunken moments in Oxford, Ohio, yet remains the prime place to party in oxford. Up town is one of the best places in oxford to have fun, meet up with friends and drink something that (dare I say) isn’t a Natty. However, like in all night life scenes on college campuses, there are those girls that get a little bit sloppy and posses a talent for ruining everything.

First off girls, going uptown is not an excuse for you to squeeze in to your junior year prom dress. It simply doesn’t fit any more and it should be retired. Please, you look far more attractive when you wear something (though preferably not pants) that fits.

Next, find different shoes. For most guys, the stuff they taught us in little league still sticks: if it isn’t between the knees and shoulders, it doesn’t matter. You can save us a lot of trouble if we don’t have to carry you or listen to you bitch about how much your feet hurt on the way home.

The old base ball rule applies to the face too. Trust me, there are other things about a foot in the downward direction that we would rather pay attention to, so most of your make up is probably not necessary. I do realize that you want to look nice, so fine wear some make up. But from personal experience, I swear to god that some of you put horse shit on your lips, and then hook up with guys. If you know you taste gross, please stay home.

Finally, nobody likes a mean drunk. If a Bro buys you a drink, you at least owe it to him to not be a bitch, or go home with his best friend, or vomit all over him in the middle of Brick.

Girls, however unfortunate it may be, you have are the determining factor between whether or not going up town is a necessary break from school, or worse that the BMZ 116 final. Do us all a favor and please be on your best behavior.

--Napoleon Bronaparte

A Bro Wears Many Hats

         Ok Bros, so let’s be honest: 10 am classes suck, 9 am classes suck harder, and anyone who actually goes to their 8 am classes should just be labeled Little Miss Fucking Sunshine. But, hey sometimes these things are just unavoidable. Now, for most of the day, I look almost exactly like a sex god that just walked out of a Polo add. But bitch please, I’m not going to get my sorry ass out of bed early enough to look nice for anything that starts before noon.Regardless, most of the time I do prefer to hide the bed head, and so I might as well look good while doing it. (And there are other times when it is nice to be wearing a hat too) so, here is the countdown of top 10 things to put on your head:

Number 10: MY hat.This hat is just ballin, but let’s be honest, I’m probably the only person that can pull it off, so I can’t justify putting it in the top 5.

Number 9: Disgusting old piece of shit hat
I have this old Yankees hat that I have had since my head was physically large enough to fit in to a normal hat size; this hat used to be Navy blue, but because of the blood, sweat, and tears (and more sweat) that have come out of my body whilst I have been wearing this hat have made it a light blue/tan-ish kind of color.

Note: This is not me, this is not my hat. This kids hat is just gross. So is that 'stache. Sicko. 

Number 8: The Camo Hat
This is possibly the best way to go to class looking uber-masculine; the only way to look more like a complete stud is to pull a Dick Chaney and take a shotgun to all of the squirrels on campus. Ten bonus points if its a Longhorns or Bass Pro Shop hat. Or 'Bama. Roll tide. 

Number 7: Classic Flatty
The kind with the tag still on and a proof of purchase sticker. Do not attempt to wear this hat unless THIS is you. Sorry girls, not for you.

Number 6: Captain’s hat
Nothing says I am the MFIC (and for those of you that don't know that: the Mother Fucker In Charge) like looking like you belong at the top of your yacht shouting orders and drinking a scotch. (I wore one uptown once… so many drinks, so few I actually paid for. and I got called Captain all night. Fuck the Dos Equis bro, I even looked better than the Old Spice guy. Unbeatable.)

Number 5: Green Beer Day Hat
Represent.

Number 4: Washington Capitals Hat
Nobody (regardless of where you are from) should feel ashamed to where the hat of the 2011 Stanly Cup winner… (Laughter) and at least it’s not the Penguins this year.

Number 3: [product placement] College Bar Hats from the College Shack /Polo Hat
Brogina, you’re a girl, you should love this. Either one is a Miami classic.

Number 2: The Natty Hat
Natty + Hat = Happy… granted, this hat usually comes before the bed head, not after.


Number 1: The White Snap-Back
The God-Damn-Holy-Grail of all hats. The Shit, no doubt about it. You should not be considered a Miami Bro if you don’t have one of these. PS- I only endorse this guy’s hat. 

What You Actually Learn in College

So there's this study that came to the conclusion that we all knew already. It found that undergrads literally learn nothing of importance their first two years of college. Due to fulfilling ridiculous and irrelevant requirements, students dont develop critical thinking, etc because they're doing the bare minimum of work for classes they care little about. Instead of doing a study, they should have just asked freshmen and sophomores if they were learning anything of value and they probably would have reached the same scientific conclusion.

So, now I bring you what we actually learned:

Top (almost) Ten Things That Miami Bros’s Girlfriends Learn the First Two Years of College (some you learn earlier, some seem to take a while):

1. If a drink doesn’t have an umbrella in it, it’s probably not for you
2. The organ your boyfriend uses to make decisions is not in his head, but it does have one
3. If you are drunk, we can tell. You are not that good at hiding it yet.
4. The really tall heels you wear up town are not good for walking home afterward; pack other shoes or a date for the walk back. (because we hate hearing you complain about walking in them more than you hate walking in them)
5. J Crew orders take a while to get here; just because you see 10 people wearing the same dress you just ordered doesn’t mean somebody took your mail (so calm down, we didnt notice anyway)
6. Pants are optional; you can get away with leggings until its warm enough for shorts (don't you just love the pantsless world we live in? i do)
7. There is a fine line between a tan, and no longer needing to check “Caucasian” on surveys
8. Yoga pants work.
9. Marrying a plastic surgeon (pre-med major) would have its benefits, but business majors may potentially make more money.

Top (almost) Ten Things Bros Learn the First Two Years:

1. Classes are optional
2. Showers are not optional (if you ever want to see the Victoria's Secrete logo your girlfriend is wearing)
3. How to wear spring colors without looking like… you came out of the Easter Bunny’s ass
4. 91.4% of the time, “Hooking up” usually only means making out; so when she offers, don’t get too excited
5. If the first three condoms don't work, it probably isn't the condoms
6. Being caught on “Girls in Yoga Pants” by your girl means you will be paying for a nice dinner
7. Being caught on “Girls in Yoga Pants” by a guy means you made a new friend
8. It doesn’t matter how big your Biceps and Pecs are, if your beer gut hangs over your waisband, you need to keep you shirt on (unless you're the token Chunk, then own that shit)
9. You should switch your major from pre-med to business if you want to keep your girlfriend

2011 MoB Draft

           Welcome to the Miami of Brohio 2011 draft. We saw a lot of talent out there but we narrowed it down to the elite. Miami of Brohio was the beginning. Now it's moved out of the basement, it's called Broject Mayhem. We have no idea what these space monkeys of interns will produce but they’re sitting on 400 gallons of nitroglycerin and we’re hoping they’ll run with it. We’re also hoping these oxford-cloth psychos don’t snap. (I watched Fight Club last night, can you tell?)  We now present to you our 2011 summer pledges interns. Have at 'em. 

Brogina George:

          In corner one we have Brogina George, a sup par academic who strictly relies on gypsy magic and dumb luck to succeed. Providing Brohio with the female perspective on the elite lifestyle that Miami students live. Brogina George is the queen bee or whatever is the equivalent of an alpha male. She wears heels bigger than your dick. 


Napoleon Bronaparte: 

          Joining Brogina is Napoleon Bronaparte, one of the wittiest bros we've ever met. This kid's quick and sharp and has a comeback ready before you've even insulted him, which you wouldn't do because you know he's better than you. An ego the size of Russia condensed into a single slice of wonderbread. 




From Myself and the other bros, welcome pledges, i mean, interns. 

T-shirt not included with internship.