Bro vs. Ho: Going Up Town

The Ho Perspective:

Going uptown for any girl, whether she be a freshman rookie or a senior veteran, is pretty much voluntarily stepping foot inside a war zone. In addition to wearing slutty little dresses (don't even get me started on the amount of technique necessary to shove your ass into one of those) and heels the female population of Oxford should be strapping on flak jackets and army boots. It's like the very second a beer touches a guys hand they lose their goddamn minds. News flash boys, no one gives a fuck that you can do the Bernie.

Just this weekend I witnessed a guy climb his way over a railing and tumble onto a landing that was a flight of stairs away, twice. Luckily the dickhead was able to ace the landing both times by using his fucking face to break his fall. Way to go Hulk fucking Hogan. I mean, I'll admit it drunken females are no treat a solid 97% of the time but at least we aren't slugging our best friends because he said our fitted looked like shit.

Now don't get me wrong without the men of Miami the uptown scene would be nothing less than a giant clam bake (holy shit was that vulgar my apologies), I'm well aware. I'm merely stating that bros uptown are like puppies on steroids. They'll piss wherever, they don't listen to a damn thing you say, and at the end of the night all they want to do is crawl into bed with you.

P.S.

Yes, we're using you for drinks and no we don't feel bad about it.

--Brogina George

The Bro Perspective:

Going Uptown is one of the favorite pass times of Miami Bro and many of the other students that attend Miami as well. Uptown has become the nostalgic place where many of us had some of our first drunken moments in Oxford, Ohio, yet remains the prime place to party in oxford. Up town is one of the best places in oxford to have fun, meet up with friends and drink something that (dare I say) isn’t a Natty. However, like in all night life scenes on college campuses, there are those girls that get a little bit sloppy and posses a talent for ruining everything.

First off girls, going uptown is not an excuse for you to squeeze in to your junior year prom dress. It simply doesn’t fit any more and it should be retired. Please, you look far more attractive when you wear something (though preferably not pants) that fits.

Next, find different shoes. For most guys, the stuff they taught us in little league still sticks: if it isn’t between the knees and shoulders, it doesn’t matter. You can save us a lot of trouble if we don’t have to carry you or listen to you bitch about how much your feet hurt on the way home.

The old base ball rule applies to the face too. Trust me, there are other things about a foot in the downward direction that we would rather pay attention to, so most of your make up is probably not necessary. I do realize that you want to look nice, so fine wear some make up. But from personal experience, I swear to god that some of you put horse shit on your lips, and then hook up with guys. If you know you taste gross, please stay home.

Finally, nobody likes a mean drunk. If a Bro buys you a drink, you at least owe it to him to not be a bitch, or go home with his best friend, or vomit all over him in the middle of Brick.

Girls, however unfortunate it may be, you have are the determining factor between whether or not going up town is a necessary break from school, or worse that the BMZ 116 final. Do us all a favor and please be on your best behavior.

--Napoleon Bronaparte