Intern Abroad: Indy 500

          Our intern Brogina George was in attendance for the 100th anniversary of the Indianapolis 500 and was probably sober for about none of it. Wordplay aside, here's the first Intern Abroad (get it, she's a chick). Real pictures from the jungle that is the infield at the Indy5. These are real people, not shopped and better than peopleofwalmart.com. Some of the most beautiful (it's in the eye of the beholder, obviously) people in the world gather on the grass of the infield in their Sunday best (jorts, flannel cutoffs, American themed everything) to enjoy the truly majestic and historical event that is the legendary Indianapolis 500. You thought the Preakness infield looked like a good time? Kegasus has nothing on the greatest spectacle in racing drinking. 

Brogina was greeted with this as soon as she arrived. What a gorgeous view.

Is that a fucking cocoon? Yes. 

Redneck (b)Romance 

Let ya freak flag fly. 

The only hybrid you'll see at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway.
Leave your god damn Prius at home, hippie. 

You're Killin' Me, Smalls - Scrooge in May?

          For the last seven years I have caddied at a private country club near my home. This past weekend I double bagged (carried one bag on each shoulder) for 54 holes in the blistering heat. This was for a two day tournament called the "Captains Cup", where two members are paired up as a team and duke it out on the links for the lowest team score.

          After carrying two bags totaling over 80 pounds (which is well over half my own weight) I have scabs on both of my shoulders and sunburn that painted my skin red. I don't usually whine about how bad it hurts, but 54 holes in two days is a lot of golf.

          So you'd figure that at the end of two days, in which I did an outstanding job, that my golfers would tip me. You would be wrong. I made the base pay, which is $80 per 18 holes, adding up to $240 for the weekend. Other caddies were bringing in between $300-$360. It isn't that I'm a worse caddie, it's that I got a pair of miserly scrooges.

          On the 12th hole on the last round, my golfer remarked how tiring it was for him to play this much golf in one weekend. Excuse me? YOU'RE TIRED!? I never realized how hard walking around is...

           So you're thinking to yourself "Shut up, that is good pay for such a stupid job". Yeah it is good pay, but these guys are millionaires. Nobody at this club makes less than 7 figures a year. It really wouldn't be that hard to tip an extra $20 per round, considering they use Washington's to wipe their butts.

          All I ask is that if (when) someday you become a wealthy country club member, please tip your caddie.

Would You Rather - Summer Edition

Would You Rather: Summer Edition 
Honestly, not too many problems associated with the blissful months of freedom and sunshine. I don't think i've seen #SummerProblems too many times since break started. However, we have a few dilemmas: 

Surprisingly accurate of my summer, besides, you know, playing in the sand.
But the ice cream part especially is dead on. 

Burn the marshmallow for a s'more or wait for approx. 10 hours to get the perfect golden brown? 
          I'm going with waiting until eternity. So rewarding having that perfect s'more while everyone else's mouths are black from eating soot. Although amount of supplies could factor in my ultimate decision 
          
Hamburger or hotdog? (Serious dilemma...oh wait, have both)
          What am I even saying, barely a problem at all. Barbecues in general are just problem free situations. Why don't we have more barbecues? 


 Have to start a fire with your ass cheeks or get a mosquito bite on your balls
Mosquito bite. Much less pain involved.


Attend the Preakness or the Indy 500?
Indy 500. Such an easy choice for me but for you Kentucky Derby folks, I imagine infield fest would be a draw.


Be pale as shit or have a horrific sunburn?
The sunburn would eventually fade into a decent tan but I'd go with being ghostly just so people could fuck with me and slap me on the back and stuff. That shit hurts.

Summer Playlist: Volume 2, Rapture Edition

          Hasn't been a week (it's been, what, a day? Ok, maybe two.) since the last group of songs but what the hell. We have about an hour until the rapture so put on these songs, channel Kegasus and enjoy the end of the world. These suggestions coming from a hometown bro of mine, Etch-a-Sketch. 


1. Mac Miller-Best Day Ever: If you haven't already heard of him, Mac Miller is a kid (literally, I think he's maybe 19) from Pittsburgh on the same label as Wiz Khalifa and is putting out songs of the same caliber. I also really like Outside by Miller, good shit all around.

2. Kanye West- All of the Lights Remix: You heard the original at parties every weekend but the remix is ridic. 

3. J. Cole- See It To Believe It: Decently chill song but great to cruise to.

4. Kanye West ft Jay-Z- The Joy: I will always be an advocate of Kanye. 

5. DJ Khaled ft. Drake, Rick Ross, Lil Wayne- I'm on One: Best new song out right now, loving it. Drake's verse may or may not be competing with B.o.B's "Airplanes" for the most quoted song on facebook but this song is quality. 

I'm Gon' Play Golf.

See that motherfucking stroke....wupah! 

And now I'm gon' play (disc) golf) 

Summer Playlist: Volume 1

          Last summer I heard Ke$ha's "Your Love Is My Drug" just a couple thousand times too many so we're putting together a summer playlist that doesn't suck. I'm talking, windows down, white girl jamming, good, summer shit. Every week, a few new songs to add to your rotation. This first six isn't a list of brand new songs you have never heard of before but basically just the six I got on loop right now. 


Make Some Noise - Beastie Boys: They're back and I fucking love it. 

In This Life - Mike Stud: Kid's good. Keep your eyes on him, big things coming. Hear he can play ball too...

Young & Wild & Free: Even if you don't like stoner rap or just get annoyed with every caucasian female adding #TGOD to all her tweets that hint (subtly or not so subtly) that she smokes weed and/or drinks, this is a dece song. Reminiscent of Snoop's song with Cudi last year, That Tree (the video is oddly funny)  

Freaks and Geeks - Childish Gambino: Constant flow of the best lyrics you've ever heard. If you don't know about Donald Glover aka Childish Gambino, get familiar. This kid is unreal. 

Temptations - Gorilla Warfare Tactics: This shit is just catchy as helll. 

Oh No - Girl Talk: If you still aren't on Girl Talk's shit, then his album All Day will change your mind instantly. This is the first song from the album and has one of my favorite intros. Solid song. 

Gems - The Good Ol' Days

Oh, the good ol' days. I don't think Yankee fans are jumping for joy about Jorgie's replacement in A-Rod, an equally embarrassing DH. But hey, if you're a New York fan I'm sure you love (and are used to) losing six straight.  (Are my New England roots showing? Good.)

Man, You're Like School During the Summer. No Class.

You’re sitting around reminiscing with buddies from home wondering what you guys..or y’all (fucking hillbillies) should do this summer, and where you should go. Well. “I’ll tell ya where we’ll go. Someplace warm. A place where the beer flows like wine. Where beautiful women instinctively flock like salmon of Capistrano. I’m talkin ‘bout a little place called..As-pen.” What’s the next best thing to Aspen you’re wondering? Fucking Oxford, Ohio.

Somewhere in between the townies scouring the sides of the road for left over furniture..

(I’m going to be completely honest here and admit I may have taken part in some dumpster diving along side some really handsome toothless townies with unidentifiable gender traits. I almost got into a fucking bum fight once or twice over a side table whose top drawer was filled with unopened condoms. Whoever dumped that shit behind their apartment on Sycamore 1. Thank you for the unscathed piece of furniture and 2. I’m sorry you didn’t get laid nearly as often as you had anticipated.)

..the mass quantities of empty beer cans filling the roads, and overly tan rocketeers jogging around you realize it’s fucking summertime.

Unfortunately, it seems like Oxford has its wires crossed with that total skank Mother Nature. This whole 43 degree weather is sort of fucking up my bronzing game. Not that I don’t love waking up and tossing on sweatpants and a sweatshirt, it's just the idea of doing it during the summer makes me dry heave. The good news is, the weather is just another excuse for us to get drunk as fuck and have some summer lovin’. (Hats off to Grease for that reference.)

The bad news, some of us actually need to take our summer classes seriously. I’m not sure if anyone is aware of this but apparently if you don’t attend class, skip 50% of the assignments, miss an exam, and then do nothing to fix the previously listed items professors will actually give you fucking F’s. I know, I was just as shocked as you are, and apparently they don't fucking stand for Fantastic. (I almost used "phenomenal" as my example but I guess we can see how that wouldn't have worked out. Fuck it, I deserve to be in summer school.) Actually I was shocked three times over. Yep, that’s right ladies and gentlemen I managed to do the impossible and fail an entire semester. Alright..I’m being a bit dramatic I did get a C in a 100 level Latin American Studies class.

Lucky for me my mother did me a solid and called Miami, and golly gee whiz what’s this?? They have the class I failed AND a GPA booster available for summer session one! Oh boy oh boy! Looks like the only tall boy I’ll be having this summer is the hottie in my theater class.

I leave you with a simple phrase from my idol Ferris Bueller.

“Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you might miss it.”

Peace out fuckers, I have to go do homework.

Word to the Wise: Hulu Queues

For those of you who don't know Hulu queues (I never know if I'm spelling that correctly) are a tool that collects all the shows you watch on Hulu and puts in a cute little list for you. They're great but there's a dark side. My queue (It just looks like...not english) is currently in the 50s. I know, ridiculous in every way. It's almost become a chore watching all these shows to catch up. So a word to the wise, never let your Hulu queue (seriously, what kind of word is that? How does sound identical to cue?)  run amok. Same can be said for desktop screens. Folder up. 

Little Critters

Hopefully this is the first (and only)
 time you get crabs. 

          They're taking over. They're everywhere. They're on your ties, your boxers, and occasionally on your shorts. I'm talking about little critters. Sea critters are the dominant species but little land critters are spotted too. A classy bro knows when the fuck to suit up. Such occasions usually call for a tie infested with little critters. Little critters create power moves. Girls see tiny black labs running after a ball in a repetitive pattern and immediately let out an, "aww!" When your new potential boss sees that you're wearing a sea critter tie he assumes you're into sailing so he invites you on his family's vacation on the cape (with his hot daughter (who will probably have the same "aww!" reaction to your little critter boxers)) Little critters are taking over and we should, by all means, let them. I'm hooked just like the mini Marlins on my tie. 

The Summer of George

I've been back at home and under the thumb of the 'rents for five days now and the only thing of note I've done is...nothing. And that's great. I've slept in and visited friends (And their moms. Thanks for the cookies, Mrs. T) but I've done nothing to make this summer a banner one. To fix that, I'm proclaiming this the Summer of George. 

"Time to taste the fruits and let the juices drip down my chin!" 

Gem/You're Killin' Me, Smalls - Old Hookups

Wish I had a crocodile in this situation. 

          So you're home for the summer, you spend your days slaving away as a roofer or a camp counselor or at some unpaid internship but at night, you rage with your high school friends. It's a throwback every night and it's awesome. Until the girl(s) you used to hook up with show up. If you're on friendly/good terms with them, then theres no problem and honestly only good things can come from that situation. In fact, that is one of the bet situations you could be in. You catch each other up on your lives, you fall into the same jokes, the same routine, next thing you know her shirts off. What a gem. But if things didn't end so amicably then you're in for a real fucking treat. You can do the awkward dance where you two avoid each other all night (where she probably ends up getting sloppy and cryscreams at you for the rest of the night anyway.) Sorry ladies, but we rarely do anything wrong in these circumstances. Guys are usually the ones playing it cool. We would rather ignore you're (most likely annoying) ass to keep having a good time but for some reason that never works. God forbid theres a confrontation of the situation. Have your buddy help you out with this one, "Oh you didnt hear (pun intended) that he went deaf at a Nickelback concert?" (have him insult you to really bring her home (pun not intended, avoid the victory lap at all costs with the crazies)) "yeah, he actually went to a Nickelback concert, what a fucking idiot right?" A situation so shitty we had to bring up Nickelback? Shit, bro. 

You're Killin' Me, Smalls - #Hashtags

Wow, I wish I was as cool as these guys. Obviously they're
Twitter #seasonedvets

 Twitter is fucking great and I probably abuse my ability to tweet from multiple devices but that is not the issue here. Hashtags can be prime in adding a couple laughs to your tweet. They can sum up our feelings about something, provide witty commentary and so much more. A well used hashtag will instantly up your twitter game but what I cannot stand is the people who have two full sentences in a hashtag. Cmonnnn no one wants to read that shit. 10 times out of 10 someone will call you out for "#longesthashtageveraward?" which itself is pushing the length boundaries. Keep the hashtags short and witty and we dont got a problem. 

Five Hour Energy Commercial

          You've seen them all. And they all suck. But one that absolutely killlllls me is the "What's Your 2:30 Feeling?" where the girl with the giant fucking eyes says she can't keep her eyes open....

          Really? Because you look like a god damn fish. Your eyes are literally bugging out and I don't think that's from the energy shot....

Bro vs. Ho: Going Up Town

The Ho Perspective:

Going uptown for any girl, whether she be a freshman rookie or a senior veteran, is pretty much voluntarily stepping foot inside a war zone. In addition to wearing slutty little dresses (don't even get me started on the amount of technique necessary to shove your ass into one of those) and heels the female population of Oxford should be strapping on flak jackets and army boots. It's like the very second a beer touches a guys hand they lose their goddamn minds. News flash boys, no one gives a fuck that you can do the Bernie.

Just this weekend I witnessed a guy climb his way over a railing and tumble onto a landing that was a flight of stairs away, twice. Luckily the dickhead was able to ace the landing both times by using his fucking face to break his fall. Way to go Hulk fucking Hogan. I mean, I'll admit it drunken females are no treat a solid 97% of the time but at least we aren't slugging our best friends because he said our fitted looked like shit.

Now don't get me wrong without the men of Miami the uptown scene would be nothing less than a giant clam bake (holy shit was that vulgar my apologies), I'm well aware. I'm merely stating that bros uptown are like puppies on steroids. They'll piss wherever, they don't listen to a damn thing you say, and at the end of the night all they want to do is crawl into bed with you.

P.S.

Yes, we're using you for drinks and no we don't feel bad about it.

--Brogina George

The Bro Perspective:

Going Uptown is one of the favorite pass times of Miami Bro and many of the other students that attend Miami as well. Uptown has become the nostalgic place where many of us had some of our first drunken moments in Oxford, Ohio, yet remains the prime place to party in oxford. Up town is one of the best places in oxford to have fun, meet up with friends and drink something that (dare I say) isn’t a Natty. However, like in all night life scenes on college campuses, there are those girls that get a little bit sloppy and posses a talent for ruining everything.

First off girls, going uptown is not an excuse for you to squeeze in to your junior year prom dress. It simply doesn’t fit any more and it should be retired. Please, you look far more attractive when you wear something (though preferably not pants) that fits.

Next, find different shoes. For most guys, the stuff they taught us in little league still sticks: if it isn’t between the knees and shoulders, it doesn’t matter. You can save us a lot of trouble if we don’t have to carry you or listen to you bitch about how much your feet hurt on the way home.

The old base ball rule applies to the face too. Trust me, there are other things about a foot in the downward direction that we would rather pay attention to, so most of your make up is probably not necessary. I do realize that you want to look nice, so fine wear some make up. But from personal experience, I swear to god that some of you put horse shit on your lips, and then hook up with guys. If you know you taste gross, please stay home.

Finally, nobody likes a mean drunk. If a Bro buys you a drink, you at least owe it to him to not be a bitch, or go home with his best friend, or vomit all over him in the middle of Brick.

Girls, however unfortunate it may be, you have are the determining factor between whether or not going up town is a necessary break from school, or worse that the BMZ 116 final. Do us all a favor and please be on your best behavior.

--Napoleon Bronaparte

Gems - Getting Back Together With Old Friends

Yeah, if you sucked in high school. Just
straight innacurate.

          Reunited at last. Theres nothing like it. Not knocking my college friends because they're my boys too, but there's something different about the guys you grew up with. They were on your little league team, they were at your house all summer when your hot neighbor got a pool (everyone has a Wendy Peffercorn) and they were there until you went to different schools after you're senior summer. Obviously summers are a little different than the Peffercorn peeping days because everyones got jobs/internships/etc but there is literally nothing like spending a sunny day with you're hometown bros. Always a prime day. Deciding where/what to do is like Brigham Young choosing his favorite wife, there are just way too many choices, so many old spots to hit up. And fittingly after mothers day, old friends' moms are always so happy to see you and be updated on your life while they make you iced tea and pizza rolls (moms get me) And swapping crazy stories will literally never get old. 

You're Killin' Me, Smalls - Packing

Having my shit this organized was a pipe dream. 

Cardboard boxes and trash bags have taken over my room and my life. I started with the notion that I was going to pack everything into neat, organized containers. Yeah, that lasted for about five minutes, if that. Stuffing things into shoddily put together boxes and random trash bags with no concern whether nasty cleats are going in with clean clothes or dishes. Bedding got bunched in with shoes and ties while hats went with books and electronic shit. There is no system and unpacking when I get home is with out a doubt going to be worse than packing. After all, shoving things into a box is never as hard as taking things out and putting them where they belong. I currently don't know where my DVDs and video games are but they aren't in plain sight so I'm hoping they made it into a bag. Then there's the debate of whether or not to keep the random shit I've acquired this year. Do I need the second orange pumpkin for Halloween next year (yes) and should I hold onto all the Arizona cans me and my roommate have hoarded this year (maybe not). All the costume-y junk that I used at random theme parties obviously are getting thrown in a box but do I really need these notebooks?(nope). The packing tape I have won't stick to shit and we wasted the bubble wrap I had (you would've done the same thing, don't judge) and I can see things on my desk that need to be packed but I physically can't get to them because of all the shit piled in between. Oh, and I still have one more final tomorrow morning, did I just pack my books? Shit. 

You're Killin' Me, Smalls - People Telling Me They Have a Final

Look, I can't do this. I told you already, I have an exam tomorrow! Can you understand that? God damn, this is bullshit, I got an exam tomorrow!

Apparently, someone has an exam! How'd you know? 

Hail to the Chief - Barack Obama

Fucking right, Commander in Chief. 

#SWAG

The speech was perfect. 

Celebrate this shit. 

Gems - Cooler Prank

Now that formal season is over and you're once "totes presh" cooler is out of date, why not put it to good use? Just follow these OSU students lead.....