You're Killin' Me, Smalls - Scrooge in May?

          For the last seven years I have caddied at a private country club near my home. This past weekend I double bagged (carried one bag on each shoulder) for 54 holes in the blistering heat. This was for a two day tournament called the "Captains Cup", where two members are paired up as a team and duke it out on the links for the lowest team score.

          After carrying two bags totaling over 80 pounds (which is well over half my own weight) I have scabs on both of my shoulders and sunburn that painted my skin red. I don't usually whine about how bad it hurts, but 54 holes in two days is a lot of golf.

          So you'd figure that at the end of two days, in which I did an outstanding job, that my golfers would tip me. You would be wrong. I made the base pay, which is $80 per 18 holes, adding up to $240 for the weekend. Other caddies were bringing in between $300-$360. It isn't that I'm a worse caddie, it's that I got a pair of miserly scrooges.

          On the 12th hole on the last round, my golfer remarked how tiring it was for him to play this much golf in one weekend. Excuse me? YOU'RE TIRED!? I never realized how hard walking around is...

           So you're thinking to yourself "Shut up, that is good pay for such a stupid job". Yeah it is good pay, but these guys are millionaires. Nobody at this club makes less than 7 figures a year. It really wouldn't be that hard to tip an extra $20 per round, considering they use Washington's to wipe their butts.

          All I ask is that if (when) someday you become a wealthy country club member, please tip your caddie.

Hail to the Chief - James Monbro

James Monbro was critical in the development of our young nation, but is still not well known. The reason for this is that Thomas Jefferson was basking in his glory from writing the Declaration of Independence and James Madison was busy playing with kids because...well...when you're 3 feet tall you kinda look like a kid regardless of what kind of funky wig you have on your head. So ultimately James Monbro is the forgotten Founding Father, and I am going to revive his illustrious legacy.

Any Bro with his own coin deserves recognition. He obviously
makes it hail.

James Monbro should be remembered for two pretty dank-ass things. The first would come during his tenure as Secretary of State under Thomas Jefferson. While TJ was busy gloating about how he swindled the French by getting the Louisiana Territory, Jimmy Monbro just sat back quietly. It took some balls for him to do that, considering that HE was the one who negotiated the deal and made it happen. All the while TJ was saying from behind his [concubine laden] desk: "Sucks to suck, Jimm-ay". Well I am here to deliver the suckage back to TJ for taking credit for something he did not do, and I attached this little note to his box:


Dear President Jefferson,

While you were busy engaging in extramarital affairs with your servants, the morally sound Monbro was negotiating the most important land deal the United States has ever had. In hindsight, the American public now realizes that you did nothing at all. As you so famously quipped: "Sucks to suck".

Respectfully,

Halfway House

Let us not forget about Monbro's second greatest feat: The Monroe Doctrine (the name was formalized because his Vice President John Quincy Adams had a stick up his ass). Essentially, Monbro pulled off the greatest bluff in human history. While the Europeans were getting ready to colonize South America, Monbro decided to play some logistical poker. In his Doctrine he basically said "If you colonize South America, it will be seen as war against the United States, and we will intervene and crush you". I wish I was that awesome. Monbro was bluffing his ass off: the United States had zero capability of waging war against the European powers without economically destroying itself. Monbro didn't care, Monbro didn't give a shit: he was a purebred Honey Badger.


Disclaimer: Some people credit VP Adams for pulling this off. I say "nay". Adams may have written it or helped think of it, but Monbro was the one putting his ass on the line. Adams never had the guts to.


So now we know who the true Founding Father was: James Monbro. Never forget what this bro did for our young nation. Without him, we would not be where we are today.

Masters - Day 2

          When Tiger Woods won the Master’s by 12 strokes in 1997, three young boys at the ages of 7, 8, and 9 were watching. Now those three young kids have grown into golf brodigies: Jason Day, Rickie Fowler, and Rory McIlroy

McIlroy and Day sit atop the leaderboard with Fowler resting in tenth. Before the tournament began none of these kids were being considered serious contenders to take the green jacket. After Day 2 though, it looks like one of these bros could pull it off.

          Tiger is likely proud of the way that he played today and for good reason. It is the first time in over a year that he has swung a club better than his [former] wife. Tiger’s return to competitive playing at the highest stage is likely spawning some interest in his former fans. And being just three strokes behind the lead is nothing for Tiger; the guy has been cutting down on his strokes since Thanksgiving of ’09.

          Yesterday’s wrap up left us wondering if the young guns can pull it off. If they can grip a shaft and cut down on the strokes like Tiger did in ’97, those brolfers are in for a special weekend treat.

The Famous Rickie Fowler Flow. Citrus Swag. 

The Masters Wrap Up - Day 1

The Masters is an iconic golf tradition that can spur interest in even the most fervent enemy of the game. Coverage of the tournament litters ESPN from the first tee shot until the final putt is made, often granting viewers with a splendid taste of what golf has to offer. Yet even with the immense popularity of the Masters, Augusta does its best to lag behind the rest of the world in creating a progressive environment. Augusta’s conservative approach to hosting the tournament shares a putrid stench with the monarchial conservatism of an Edmund Burke essay. Holes stay the same from year to year, the occasional tree is added or subtracted from the course, and the amount of social interaction between players and the world allowed on the course is nil. This atmosphere would lead you to believe that only the most traditional golfer could succeed at Augusta, but that assumption is wrong.

Rory McIlroy and Alvaro Quiros stand at the top of the leaderboard after day one. If I had to come up with two players to be the antithesis of “traditional” and “all-that-is-Augusta”, Rory and Alvaro would come to mind. The astounding hipness surrounding Rory has caught the attention of swaths of young girls across the globe. Alvaro brings a spicy and exotic flare to the pinnacle of the leaderboard that could tempt even the most mundane sport enthusiast to proclaim, “By God, this man’s drives are incredibly delicious!” Can you imagine a horde of Kesha-inspired youth rushing the 18th dancefloor after a great putt?

Is this progressive youth movement what Augusta needs, or does the support of crusty sun baked seniors truly represent what the Masters is all about? I believe that in the age of social networking and the rapid sharing of real time information, the youth movement will come out ahead. If Rory or Alvaro can stay atop the leaderboard through every round, Augusta may just begin to crack out of its conservative and quiet shell.