He's Ron Brogundy? A Rookie's Debut.

Ahhh, it’s the last week in Oxford. Everyone has summer on their minds. Freedom, maybe a source of income, but mostly planning trips to friends’ beach houses where heavy drinking and other shenanigans will take place. But there is one giant cock block preventing you from truly enjoying these glorious summer days. FINALS.

That heavy procrastination period after Spring break and the Tuesday through Saturday binge drinking sessions with your bros are starting to catch up to you. A slight panic attack ensues when you realize that your inventory of adderall is starting to diminish.

The thought of actually sitting down and studying without the assistance of modern chemistry is eating you from the inside. To your surprise, you find that your reserves are in the black and decide to head to King for your 12-hour study session that you hope will be almost comparable to that of an Asian bio-medical-engineering student.

The exam that you will be sexually assaulting in the morning won’t even know what’s coming. But for the rest of the week, you need some serious planning. How will you use the rest of your XR reserves? Will you hit up the bars and celebrate your conquering of the dreaded exams? Well it’s only Wednesday fuckers. Here’s my mid-week guide to help all of you enjoy your last week in the OxBox, and how to not fuck up your life with exams.

1. If you’ve already left Oxford, fuck you. Yes, we all understand that you only had 2 exams and they both happened to be on Monday. We get it because you told everyone you fucking know, making everyone around jealous on the outside. On the inside we’re all thinking, “Wow, you get to go home early and hang out with your cool ass community college friends for three to six more weeks until all of your real friends who actually go to college come home. I’m really, really jealous.”

2. Snag a table at King Café to get your shit done. The solitary confinement of the third floor is reserved for the previously mentioned token Asian kid. You’ve got one more week with your bros. Study together.

3. Don’t go to Kofenya. Unless you want to be surrounded by liberals, geeds, hipsters and the art history majors.

(If you decide to go there, do me a favor: tell the long-haired-tattooed hippie behind the counter that Japanese poetry sucks dick and that we won the war.)

 4. Sell your goddamm textbooks. I listened in to a conversation between two geeds in line at Dividends a couple of days ago. This is what I recall:

 Geed 1: “You know, I really think I should save my Accounting book. I mean, it could come in handy in the future.”

Geed 2: “Yeah that’s a good idea. So much better than selling it to some, like, corporation.”

  Selling your textbooks, after buying them at the beginning of the semester and maybe using them twice, is a genius, almost magical concept. Early in the day you have a 300 page worthless hunk of tree, filled with equations that resemble something only the previously mentioned token Asian kid would understand, and it has the potential to be transformed into 20+ shots waiting to be ripped at Brick.

Long story short, don’t keep your books; sell them for booze.

5. Stay in Oxford even if you’re in the same boat as the bitch in number 1. The perks of going home early at this point outweigh your last week of raging. Savor your last week with your bros, get shitfaced at as many bars as possible, maybe meet some new slams, eat at one of the nicer establishments, and try new things. You’ll be away from this place for almost 4 months. Leave your mark. A Sunday afternoon departure never hurt anyone.

All of this daydreaming sounds nice on this word document and in my brain. But really, get your shit done. Daddy’s connections only go so far when you’re looking for job in the real world. Get some level of a GPA that, if the decimal place were moved, would be a kickass BAC.

-Ron Brogundy