I’m sitting at Gate C3 for a flight that was supposed to
take off nearly three hours ago. After realizing that I would be spending a good
portion of my day here, I wasn’t going to pass up this great opportunity to
people watch. International airports are by far the primo venue for people
watching, with Wal-Mart as the only other contender.
After sitting in this same seat for hours now, I’ve managed
to catalogue some of the types of people that you will encounter on your next
trip to the airport.
The Confused Asian
Family
They can’t seem to find their way out of a paper bag.
Donning large multi-colored visors and fanny-packs, both mother and father try
to navigate their way through the concourse with large maps as their children
follow 15 feet behind them. Judging by the tone of the father’s Mandarin, (or
maybe Japanese. Or Korean. Fuck if I know the difference) he’s yelling at his
wife, probably because she gave him shitty directions in the first place. I can
only assume they found their gate…or the Panda Express.
Black Guy Wearing a
Bluetooth
This guy must be having the best conversation of his life
with his friend Trayvon because he is laughing his ass off, giving zero fucks
about the people around him. Faithful Bluetooth users like this guy are often mistaken
as schizophrenics when people-watchers, like myself, don’t notice the small
flashing blue light coming from their ear. When I first saw this guy I said to
myself, “Oh shit. Another crazy black dude having a full fledged conversation
with himself.” (Which is not that unusual considering that this is the Cleveland International Airport).
If you ever end up sitting next to this guy waiting at your gate, avoid all
conversation. You never know if he’s talking to you or Trayvon.
Creepy Guy Wearing a Fedora
No one really knows how this dude got through security but
he managed to scrape by looking creepy as all hell with his fedora and his
Harry Carey glasses. I can understand if this description was for a really old
dude who just wants to die in peace. But this creeper is barely 40 and looks
like one of those sex offenders you see sitting in a kitchen with Chris Hansen.
Try to have your escape route planned if he attempts to sit within 10 feet of
you.
The Businessman
He’s the master of all air travel with platinum status and a
perfectly packed rolling carry-on. He’s constantly on his iPhone and doesn’t give
two shits if he accidently knocks over your $6 cup of coffee (which the fucker
did to me. He didn’t apologize either. He just casually said, “That’ll be a
tough cleanup.”) Fuck this guy.
White Couple With Too
Many Children
Birth control was never an option for these fools. Carting
around 5 children under the age of 6 to a fucking airport is a trip straight
from hell in my eyes. Their snot nosed children run around the gate like it’s a
goddamn Chuckie Cheese while mom is busy feeding the youngest and
father-of-the-year over here is playing Angry Birds on his iPhone. If you’re
lucky enough to be on the flight with this family you better have the valume on
standby.
The Couple That Look
Like They’re On The Amazing Race
Unless you’re on a month long journey though the Appalachian
Mountains, there is essentially no need to have all of your belongings in huge
hiking backpacks at a fucking airport. Just like our confused Asian family,
they too have maps out and checking their surroundings, probably looking for
their next clue or to find the nearest Whole Foods to stock up on some kale.
The Overly
Authoritative TSA Officer
Going through airport security is already the biggest pain
in the ass of your trip, and this guy is out there to make it even worse. This
police academy failure most likely ended up here after his Mom kicked him out
of her basement after he was fired from being a mall cop. He’s the dude that
gives everyone dirty looks no matter their gender, age, size or color. Forgot
to take off your belt before you went in the scanner? Well your fucked, because
this guy over here is trained to believe you’re a terrorist and is about to
cavity search your ass.
 |
| Terrorist hunting 101. |
I hope they serve scotch on the plane.
-Ron Brogundy
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