Post-Grad Homecoming

It's Tuesday morning. I just slid into my chair at my desk at work. Still a little out of it from the weekend, but I still have a shit eating grin on my face. As you all know, this weekend was Homecoming at good ole Miami. Being a recent Alum, I obviously had to venture back to the Oxford bubble for some celebrating and questionable decisions.

     Friday during work was an absolute crawl. Time moved slower than a high turtle. I battled this by downloading 3LAU's rage mixtape "Dance Floor Filth", and partied in my head for the majority of the day. I got anxious about missing festive drinking, and got the nod to duck out half an hour early. I'm considerably lucky to not have crossed paths with Johnny Law on my drive, due to my speed fluctuating between 80 and 90mph. Sadly I arrived too late to participate in beat the clock. Refusing to be downtrodden about this, I raised my chin, grabbed a two liter of coke, a trusty handle of Maker's Mark, and set forth to catch up with my bro's and hoes. Playing catch up actually turned into the equivalent of getting a golden mushroom in Mario Kart, because I blew past my friends. My girlfriend and I hadn't planned on dressing up, but in my drunken state, I suddenly became insistent on putting a costume together. The result: Marty McFly from Back to the fucking Future. To me, I looked awesome. Not sure what other people thought... Anyways, we ventured back uptown. I saw a kid dressed as Santa with a hawaiian shirt on, and felt the need to harass him. Drunken stroke of genius/not exactly clever: "Go back to delivering presents in Hawaii you fuck!". Wen't to my Fraternity's halloween party. I asked a younger brother to snag me a couple brews, but he said "Dude, we already ran out" (I wasn't too surprised, it was way too crowded). Although, he then said "But I have this-" and held up a handle of vodka and a 2 liter of Sprite. Thus, vodka to the face commenced. Repeatedly. 

     Sometime later: Uptown. Brick's line: #ThingsLongerThanKimsMarriage (how pop-culturally relevant of me). 45 was next choice. Bar was a zoo. Bartender saw me, Yelled "Marty McFly?" to which I drunkenly gave him a thumbs up. His reply "One of my favorite movies, man. First rounds on me". Success. Lost track of time. Brick followed, and didn't last long. I ran into my grandbig, and bought him, my girlfriend, and myself shots of straight whiskey. I'm pretty sure I told her Jim or Makers. We threw back the shots and I instantly knew something was wrong. 1. The shot was neither Makers, Jim, or even Jack. It was fucking Old Crow. The bitch swindled me. That shot went down rougher than a sandpaper handjob. 2. My stomach was not feeling that shot. My girlfriend took one look at me and said "We need to go". I agreed, I felt like shit and it was almost closing time. On our way out of Skybox, the girlfriend stops abruptly and says "Hold on one sec", turns, and proceeds to throw up in the corner. This took me by surprise, and I said "What the fuck" and looked around to see if anyone had noticed. I turned to check back on her and she went boof round two. At this point my stomach tapped out of the battle, and I followed suit. Couples vomming. How romantic. After this, the show wen't black.

     Saturday morning. I wake up and see an empty Gatorade bottle and a bottle of advil. I felt great. My girlfriend must have went into caring shacker mode, and I was feeling the benefits. We all decided to head to brick to watch some college ball and put down some trashcans of the alcoholic variety. As you can imagine, this went swimmingly. Intoxicated conversations: with friends about post-grad life. With people I've had group projects with. With people I'd only met once before. Acting like best friends with mere acquaintances. Enter extreme hunger. The resolve: Bagel & Deli. Standard. Not so standard: taking said bagels back to Brick and eating at the bar whilst drinking a trashcan. Why had I never done this before? 

     We left Brick to go watch the OSU game at my buddy's girlfriend's. We played pong, (I'm not gonna lie and say I was running train like some douche. I'll say I was drunkenly playing like shit, but winning barely). My buddy knocked over a cup and spilled beer all over the wooden floor. I kind of just stood there are stared at the pool of brew. All of a sudden, Pocohontas came running out of one of the bedrooms. The equation in my head: Running drunk Pocohontas + Unnoticed spilled beer puddle = Pocohontas eating shit. What happened: Same equation, but the feather haired girl ate shit and also fell into the beer pong table. Every cup was overturned, including my Bourbon and Coke side-cup. I yelled "Aw shit, the alcohol!" and checked all the cups for remnants. This is about the time I realized I'm an asshole, because she was on the floor, damp with beer and apparently crying. Woops. She ran back into her room. I felt bad, until she went drama queen mode and was even quoted saying "It's the end of the world". Aw Shiieet, Girl. Buckeyes upset the Badgers, we went nuts, mass alcohol consumption followed. Luckily swooped a ride uptown from a sober friend. Too many people were there for the whip, so one brave Bro rode trunk. Brick Street again. Nothing interesting that I can remember or what my friends told me happened here. We left because my girlfriend said, and I quote, "I don't feel so good. The bass is so loud. The bass is making my stomach hurt." Jesus, Woman. I remember 3 things after. 1. Leaving the doors of Brick. 2. Peeing in clear view of some skankily-clad chicks. 3. Eating chicken strips with honey and bbq. Lots and lots of honey and bbq.

Briefly, Things I Missed (and You probably will too): 

-Daydrinking. It's a lot harder to participate in mass day drinking activities out of college.

-Everyone dressing well

-Trashcans

-Being able to walk everywhere within reasonable distance while drunk

Briefly, Things I Didn't Miss Terribly: 

-How crowded Brick gets on the weekends/the line of Brick on the weekends

-When girls barge in on you when you're in one of the Skybox bathrooms

-Bumping into ex's everywhere

I need some more coffee.

-Brof.


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