Gems - Miami Girls, All 8 of Them

"OMG guys, you have to read this book.
It, like, changed my life." 

Miami: Home to a generally good looking student population, emphasis on the female side. It was one of the contributing factors to chose Miami as my institution, (just kidding. But seriously.) All you hear about is how Miami is home to preppy ladies, however, not all of the chicks in Oxford are the same. Here is a list of the types of girls you will meet at our great school:

1. The Geed:

She's not into the Greek scene. She scoffs at everything "frat" and usually all that is preppy. If you're wearing your letters, she commonly will look down on you. She won't laugh at your jokes (even if they are genuinely funny) and don't bother trying to explain something to her. She loves to wear her 'trendy' non-prep clothing and hang out in the Art building or Architecture studio. She avoids bars such as Brick, and loves to hang out at Skipper's. An anecdote: I once met a friend of a friend while uptown. I asked if she was in a sorority and she replied "No" with a bit of a condescending laugh, then asked if I was in a "frat". I replied yeah, and she gave me a scrunched up face. Even in my drunken state I noticed and asked if there was a problem. Actual quote: "Well, you're probably a douchebag. Frat guys are douchebags". Bitch, just because I'm in fraternity and have confidence does not make me a douche. 

2. The Geed who thinks she's in Sorority:

This one can be normal, but can also be annoying. She wears Sperry's, Lily, Patagonia. She's got Daddy dough. However, she is not in a Sorority. She is only in a "professional fraternity" or one of the other letter-clubs. She talks like rush and pledging are the same as real deal. She may or may not try to make her fraternity seem more legit than your 'social' fraternity. Look, don't get me wrong, I knew a lot of people in professional fraternity's, but they didn't try to make it equal to or greater than being in a 'social' fraternity or sorority. A lot of people are in both. Although, I did know a girl from one of my groups who would not shut the fuck up about "D-Sig's" parties. If I wanted to rage like that, I'd get my drank on in business casual. Oh wait, I did that plenty.

3. The Sorority girl: usual preppy attire, always carrying a Vineyard Vines tote with her letters/insignia on it, chatting about who she will take to the date party/social/semi/formal  Her sub groups:

3a .-The Top Tier Sorority girl: She typically can have a nose up in the air demeanor. Usually very good looking. However there are some duffs or mulligans that got in because they are a legacy, wealthy, or they have the 'attitude'. "I only party with top tier fraternities". Wearing your letters is a conversation starter, and frequently a deal breaker in her eyes. Doesn't expect to pay for many drinks when she's uptown. She's trying to get her Mrs degree.

3b. -Middle/Not Top Tier Girl: Her looks can range from Plan D to Smokeshow. Fella's: There is always at least 1 or 2 babes in each sorority. Trust me. These girls can be smug to those who are "Top Tier" (male or female), and are aware of how they stack up to the other Sororities. Oppositely, they can be naive or just don't care about how they, for lack of better words, 'measure up' to the other sororities. They can be a lot nicer and more real than the other girls. They are humble, fun to rage with, and aren't complete skanks. 

4. Daddy's Hedgefund Baby:

She wears everything that is 'prep'; 'Vines, 20 pairs of Sperry's, pearls, Norts on Norts on Norts. Drives a Range Rover. Doesn't care if guys buy her drinks because she's already started a frat-tab. Some of these girls are absurdly wealthy, and they know it. Anything goes wrong, she's on the phone with her father. Refuses to venture into Walmart. Always drinking a Fiji water. Others are much more low key about their bank account.

5. The Female Frat-Star (hooks a lot of dudes, talks like a bro, drinks nothing but light beer and whiskey, neon, pinnies, bonging, wayfarers)

She's at every fraternity party, she's in the frat-castle more than you are (fratrat), she started day drinking before you. Neon snapback, wayfarers, pinnie, red solo cup in hand. This girl's goal is to drink like the boys. Always the one asking if you want to bong or shotgun a beer, and will promptly call you a pussy if you don't. She likes to call you "dude" and "Bro". Really fun to party with. Usually not one you'd like to be in a relationship with due to their attributes and habits paralleling a dudes. At night, she's on the hunt for a dance floor makeout or a hookup. 

6. Blackout Betty:

She doesn't drink to have fun. She already is having fun. She drinks to rage, and her goal is blackout. She "doesn't drink beer", only liquor. She's the girl falling over and lying in the grass during the day drinking parties.She drank half a bottle of vodka by herself during the late afternoon pregame and got dressed hammered, resulting in some hotmess/slutty mashup. She already has her heels off to walk uptown. She insists on going to Brick and nowhere else will suffice. She is screaming every lyric to every top 40 song. She insists she's not drunk as she struggles to look you in the eye with her own glazed over and wandering eyes. She's already ordering another round of shots after everyone just took one. Rude to the bartenders. Making out with some rando as she's falling off her barstool. Adversly, if she's not getting any, no one else is; the worst cockblock. This also coincides with how she usually has to go home early because she's in close proximity of blackout, and she's taking everyone of the girlfriends with her. 

7. The Athlete

She's in good shape. Maybe even in better shape than you. She could be a 6'2" baller or a 5'3" field hockey chick. Miami gear on most days; Varsity jackets, warmups, sweats, athletic kicks. Some don't seem entirely interested in the male species. Depending on the season, she may be non-existent in the class you have with her. Probably won't see her uptown all that often, and if they are, odds are they'll be borderline sober.

8. The Exchange Student

Miami has been trying to expand its diversity over the past decade or so. As a result, there are a small subculture of foreign kids in Oxford. How they can be spotted: never speaking up in class, accents so thick you thought they are speaking jibberish, umbrellas in sunny weather, engaging in an awkward hybrid of walking and jogging to make it to class or catch the bus, hanging out in large groups, frequent residents of King (even on the weekend). Some are very friendly, others not so much. Another anecdote: I had a marketing class with a handful of french kids. One girl always dressed like a straight up hipster, and she acted like she was better than the American students. French stereotype much? One day in class, I answered a non-yes/no question (pretty well, I might add), and this bitch had the audacity to address me specifically and bluntly say "No, you are wrong." This is about the time I wanted to beat her with a baguette. So I simply replied "No, I am correct, Mademoiselle". Don't take shit from those snooty foreigners. Befriend the smart ones in difficult classes.

-Brofessor PostGrad

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