An Open Letter to Ronnie Baker

          (All you need to know is this is his business card and the back had a lovely HANDWRITTEN note: “From your 2012 Valentine”)

          Dearest Ronnie,


          I'm sure you don’t remember me, but I would like to extend my thanks for what could be the greatest gem I acquired second semester last year. While cleaning out the handbags I regularly black out with I found the beauty that is your business card. The details are quite hazy, but I remember you ever so sweetly handing these out to me and my friends at a certain fraternity house. I understand you were not a member of said house, in fact, you were a GDI looking to party and get dome. Until this moment I am not entirely sure you meant this as a joke, since honestly you seemed like a raging tool.

         That being said, I have some things I’d like to clear up. While I love the Anchorman quote, this shit has to actually work every time right?! My friend was more than happy to casually make out with you on the sole basis you had this fucking card. If she hadn't stepped up I would’ve given you some groping privileges just for the effort. How much did you pay for these? Are the girls that go for this straight 10s? You have to have been kicked out of numerous frats for going in and taking their slams, right? Questions will become answers.

        Make no mistake, I commend the fuck out of you and your ample balls. I mean look at this fucking thing, a pug over your junk is absolute gold. Using your real face on a chiseled piece of man meat? You, Ronnie Baker, are in-fucking-deed a gentleman and a scholar. Let us not forget to mention the fact that you were clearly there to strictly pick up girls, this was made more than obvious when you decided to BYOB, which if I remember correctly was a half consumed case of warm keystone. 


          Am I wrong in assuming this kid is going knuckles deep in poon every weekend?! Am I the only girl that would drunkenly think this kid is the next Ryan Reynolds for using a ploy like this? Its bloody brilliant and GDItastic. Don’t have a frat to get you chicks? Crash parties, throw a pug over man junk and superimpose your face onto a Chippendale’s stripper (and bring your own lukewarm crushed case of stones). Sure it may not get him his first choice in a hook up. Hell, maybe it gets his absolute last choice and the girl is barely a 6, but cumming in last is better than not at all.

          If you aren’t adding this kid on facebook and putting him in your phone to drunk dial 4 nights a week begging for dick then this post isn’t doing what I intended––getting Ronnie Baker the attention and love that he rightly deserves. 


         You deserve 72 virgins and a gold star for shamelessly rolling into frats you aren’t a part of and handing out this pussy hooking card with what I believe to be your real name, number, and facebook. You even took the time to handwrite notes on the back for fucks sake! I have no idea how old you are, but I’m praying for the sake of every drunk, lonely girl on campus you have yet to graduate. Keep on Keeping on Ronnie.

         Love,

         Lindsay Brohan

p.s. The pug and handwritten note were just the right amount of input before hitting the trying too hard threshold. Kudos.

p.p.s. the fact that your facebook tag truly is “yourpops” is not only admirable, but so fittingly douchey.


          

Rage-ology 101

          ATTENTION FRESHMEN! Here are two drinking games to play when boredom or procrastination strikes and to keep our great institution in the top 10 party schools in the nation. We’ll be bringing you a couple drinking games every week along with a drink or two to try when you hit the bars. Work hard, play harder.

Drinking Games of the Week

1) Thumper

          Start by gathering around a table that will fit you and all your friends. The sturdier the table, the better. You’re all about to pound on the table, so you don’t want your drink to fall off or spill everywhere. If you can’t find a table that doesn’t shake a lot and isn’t structurally horrible, you can just keep your drink on the floor, under the table, or behind you so you don’t kick anyone’s drink over. We all know there’s a special place in hell for people that waste alcohol.
         Everyone needs to come up with a good hand or body motion. The funnier, the better. A good pelvic thrust with a look of constipation on your face? Perfect. Rubbing your nipples while your tongue is hanging out? Even better. The goal of the game is to get someone to mess up while recreating your motion or trying to , causing them to drink.
         Ok, so now that you’ve come up with your motion, go around the table (doesn’t matter what direction) and show everyone your motion. Make sure you’re not just laughing at everyone’s motion and try to remember at least a handful of them, you’ll need to know at least one person’s so you don’t have to drink.
         Now the game begins, someone volunteers to begin and utters the magical Thumper words while everyone pounds on the table with their hands. The phrase is as follows:

Person starting: “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE GAME?!" 

Everyone else: “THUMPER!” 

Person starting: “WHY DO WE PLAY IT?!" 

Everyone else: “TO GET FUCKED UP!” 

Person starting: “HOW FUCKED UP?!” 

Everyone else: “REAL FUCKED UP!”

         Now that that’s over, the person starting does his motion, followed by someone else’s, thus passing the motion to someone else. This person now has to do their motion, followed by someone else’s. If they fuck up, then they drink. It’s as simple as that. Keep going around the circle till someone messes up, and enjoy getting “REAL FUCKED UP!”

If you’re more of a visual learner, here’s a PG rated YouTube video of the game. I highly encourage the use of my Thumper chant though.

2) Bet Your Liver

         Feeling lucky? Try out Bet Your Liver. You’ll need a deck of cards and the biggest cup or pitcher you can find.
        Grab the biggest beer stein or pitcher you have, the bigger the better. Place the pitcher or whatever you chose in the middle of the table where you and all your friends are sitting. Next, take the deck of cards and spread them around the pitcher. Each person takes turn going around the table, betting an amount of beer by pouring the beer into the pitcher. After the person places their bet, they will either choose “Red” or “Black”. If the card is “Red” and they chose “Red” then they don’t have to drink and play moves to the next person. If they bet wrong though, they have to drink all the beer that’s in the pitcher. Play continues until someone bets wrong, and bets continue till the pitcher fills up. That’s why you want to have the biggest pitcher you can get a hold of.

         This game’s pretty easy to play and you can even play it at beat the clock as long as someone has a deck of cards and an empty pitcher. The empty pitcher should be the easiest part to find though.

Drinks of the Week

          We’ll give you guys a drink every week to branch out and try at any of the local watering holes.

Old Fashioned

         We’re starting off with a proper gentleman’s drink. This is the drink that a man like Don Draper would (and does) drink. Is it a little tedious to drink? Yeah. But does it taste delicious when you make the perfect one? You better fucking believe it. I’ve been on a mission to find the perfect one since I’ve been able to bar hop. Let me tell you folks, a good Old Fashioned is not something that is easy to find. If you’re feeling ballsy and want to try and make one for yourself, here’s a recipe to get you started. Feel free to modify it to taste, of course.

• 2 oz Bourbon: Use whatever you find tastes best.
• 2 dashes bitters
• 1 splash water
• 1 sugar cube
• 1 maraschino cherry
• 1 orange wedge

         Mix sugar, water and angostura bitters in an old-fashioned glass. Drop in a cherry and an orange wedge. Muddle into a paste using a muddler or the back end of a spoon. Pour in bourbon, fill with ice cubes, and stir.




Until Next Week,
The Big Lebroski

New Beer Mile World Record

Learn this name: Nick Symmonds.

He's no Steve Prefontaine but he is a bro you need to fucking know. He represented the United States in the Olympics this summer, but more importantly, he just set the world record for the beer mile. He ran it in five minutes and nineteen seconds. What exactly is a beer mile? Simple enough, run a mile, but put down an entire beer between each lap..and keep em down. 5:19  is an impressive mile time...if you're a high school girl, but add chugging 4 beers into the mix and it's actually insane. The kid doesn't throw up either. He downs the first brewski in 8 seconds and the next three cans don't take him much longer. I wish they recorded his splits because I guarantee that his lap times are crazyfuckingfast. I wanna see Miami Track & Field do this. Shit, I wanna see an entire drunken track meet. How dope would a beer 4X100 be? The answer is DOPE. Make it happen, bros. 

Don't know why TMZ is covering this but here's the video.